My wife has cancer, I could lose my job

Hi 

My wife was sadly diagnosed with breast cancer back in May of this year. As with any news like this it hit us hard at first, but we've tried to remain positive that the treatment will work.

Personally though, I've suffered for many years with anxiety and depression and I'm on medication for this which is fine. I started a new job at the beginning of this year and they had been quite understanding, although I really believe the manager isn't very good at being supportive.

Over the last couple of months I've struggled at work with simple systems and forgetting things. I'm not sure if this is due to my own mental state and also what is going on at home with my poorly wife. At home we have 2 small children who are cared for through the day when I work, when I get home, it's all hands to the deck to care for my wife and the kids too. 
So I don't know if I'm just overly exhausted as well.

thing is, I was pulled into a meeting with my manager last week who railed at me for oversights in my work. She threatened me with going to HR about it and told me it can't be to do with what's going on at home. Basically suggesting I guess that I'm just incapable of the job.

when I first heard of the news back May, my work went down hill and I was put on a performance plan by the manager. She now states she was going to put me on this anyway and before I heard the news. I don't believe this.

For all my own, I suppose mental health, I do work hard, I turn up and dilligently get on with the job. I actually enjoy what I do. Perhaps I'm paranoid, but maybe the manager just doesn't like me as a person. 
anyway, top and bottom. I feel like I'm going to be getting the bullet anytime now over a lack of understanding of a system they use.

how do I appeal? What can I say to HR in my defence?

its a really worrying time. I'm trying to care for my wife and family by doing all that I can at home and keeping a roof over our heads.

any help and suggestion would be most welcome.

  • Hi there ..

    Bless ya, you must be totally exorsted... oh my .. no wonder your finding it hard .. and that boss of your must be blessed not to have someone she loves with cancer... 

    I'm tagging  [@davek]‍   he's the one with more info then me .. but I know there's rules at the workplace for cancer but don't know if it's for the patient or the carer .. hopefully he'll be along soon ...

    Good luck .. sending a vertual hug.... Chrissie x

  • Aww cheers Chrissie.

    I don't expect miracles, but I know I'd get good suggestions and understanding support here!

     

    thank you! 

     

  • Hi there sorry to hear your having a  pretty bad time  with so much going on with your wife and struggling yourself employers should be more supportive in such cases I'd contact the citerzans advice for some professional help as a employee you have legal rights they can't dismiss you there is other things that can be put in place like amended duty's and time off for carers leave to support your wife I too have breast cancer and am currently on sick leave from my job I work for the NHS in community care and believe it or not my boss hasn't been supportive at all and tryed to pressure me with being off work I reported her to unison union and they told her to back off I have a critical illness she soon changed her attitude my husband's boss has been very supportive and given him time off to attend appointments with me I think you guys do a amazing job looking after us wife's and cancer affects you too mentally so please look after yourself and take care x

    marie .

  • Hello there

    So sorry to hear how much you are dealing with. Speak HR, they are there to ensure that your manager treats you fairly and legally at work, they should support you with your situation. It is not up to your manager to judge how your home situation impacts upon your work, they are clearly not a mental health professional.

    Everyone makes mistakes at work and a good employer recognises this and doesn't give their employees a hard time. I've been there, and lack of focus and being forgetful are symptoms of stress and being overwhelmed. Have you spoken to your GP about this? If they know you and your mental health well they may also be able to help you manage this situation.

    Start keeping notes of all conversations and meetings with your manager and make it clear that you like your job and want to get things right. Maybe ensure that you always have a supportive colleague or member of HR with you to witness the conversations, that should stop your manager saying anything unhelpful or unprofessional to you. (I did this with a colleague once, it really worked!) They should really tread carefully with you and support you, not add to your stresses.

    Good luck with it all

    Sophie

  • First of all sending love to you and your wife and children. My first thought is, if you're not a member of a union join one tomorrow. It's irrelevant that your boss says she was going to put you on a performance plan prior to your wife's diagnosis. She didn't. You can prove that your wife's diagnosis fits in with you needing support at work. That's all a tribunal will be interested in. It's all based on provible facts, not hearsay.

    Secondly they will look at whether your boss is discriminating against you because of your home situation. She's on dodgy ground. You really don't need this at the moment .

    Join or speak to your Union and let them take some of the strain. You need support.  You're not on your own, and you need looking after too. Work is work and shouldn't be adding to your stress at this horrible time. Your boss already knows this take care and get in touch anytime x

  • Hi MB01

    Thank you for your lovely words and I sincerely hope all is well with you and yours.

    Its encouraging that there's unions that could possibly help in this regard. I'm going to give Unison a try tomorrow based on what you mentioned so huge appreciation for that.

    Again, thank you and I'll keep everyone updated here as to what's happening.

    x

     

  • Fantastic advice here. Thank you for this! It certainly bolsters hope for me. 
    Thank you again.

    x

  • Hi 

    Does your employer know about your mental health condition? if so your are classed as having a 'Protected characteristic'  under the Equality Act 2010. 

    www.gov.uk/.../employment

     

  • Hi Magpiemaggie
    I told her about it not long after I started the job. Either she's forgotten or just plain ignorant. 
    Thank you so much for pointing me to that little bit from the equally act. Massively appreciated.