My dear Beryl .... I can only imagine your pain and so wish I could be there to keep you company and give you a hug. I'm so glad you came to the site to say how you are feeling. I'm sure you miss dear David every day but this time of the year missing our loved ones seems especially hard.  The only way I can relate to how you feel is when I look into the not too distant future and know I will have to leave my lovely Hubbie and family. It's overwhelming and I empathize with you so very much dear Beryl. This disease is so very cruel and hurts so much!  You had a wonderful relationship with David and that is something to be grateful for but how the pain of losing him can be eased, I just don't know. People say time heals so we can only hope and trust that they are right and at some point in the future you will be able to think of the joy David brought to your life with a smile instead of tears. Your friends are always here and I'm sure David knew what a lucky guy he was to have shared his life with such a wonderful person as you.  Much love. Max x

Hello Beryl,  I was so sad to read your post and the pain you are feeling.  This time of year is incredibly difficult; I too have spent a great deal of December in tears.  It is the slightest things that get us isn't it?  A few days ago I was shopping at Tesco, something I do all the time and something that I did for many years with my Mum, taking her to do her weekly shop.  However this time as I left the store I thought of her and couldn't stop the tears, I loaded my shopping in the car and cried the whole way home.  The thing is Beryl we can never get our loved ones out of our heads or hearts, nor should we, but it does mean that at times the pain comes back just as strong as ever.  Sometimes I think the pain will never go away, but everybody tells me that it does get easier in time - what that timescale is though I don't know.  There is nothing I can say to ease that pain, just know that I understand the pain; it is not the same pain I am sure losing parents as losing your soulmate but nevertheless reading your posts I feel your suffering does relate to how I feel too.  I wish we could all have a group hug but instead we have this site to support each other through this difficult season.  I am going to try to think about the positives I have in my life with my own family and I sincerely hope you are able to gain some comfort from your family too.  Thinking of you.  Hope xx

My lovely Max

How lovely to hear from you I do hope you are feeling much better and I do hope you enjoy Christmas with your lovely hubby and family, you deserve it, you are such a brave lady, you make me feel so humble.  This cancer is a very cruel disease you are quite right it takes away your Loved ones and leaves those behind in intolerable pain.  However one day in the not too distant future I am sure a cure for this horrible disease will come about.

My David was such a lovely happy man and my wish for Christmas is that he is looking down on me and my family and I hope he is inheaven.

Have a lovely Christmas Max and I send you my love always

Beryl xxx

Hello Hope

Lovely to hear from you I am so sad to know you are feeling this awful pain, what I would give for a group hug right now and yes I can't get my lovely David out of my head and the pain is intolerable he was such a happy, lovely, vibrant man who loved  life and this evil Cancer took him from me.  However, like you I shall try and take comfort from my family and yea we are lucky to have a family as some people are all alone with this terrible pain called grief.

Have a peaceful Christmas my love and I shall be thinking of you.

Love and hugs

Beryl xxx

I'm sure he is Beryl, and one day you will be together again. That's the thought I always keep hold of when I'm scared of what the future holds. He is there keeping you safe Beryl and always will be x

I hear the pain in all of your posts, Beryl, Max, Hope, and grief is such a strong emotion that tears at the very heart, and it is a feeling that never really goes away when we've lost a love one. Its' like a roller coaster, the way it comes in waves and ebbs, but never leaving completely. Probably most of us on this forum have experienced the loss of loved ones at some point in our lives, but not all necessarily due to cancer. My parents and my brother are gone, having lost my Dad and brother to cancer. I also lost my son to suicide, which was the most horrible loss I've ever had. Its' ten years since he died and the pain for me is as deep as it was the day I got the news. We learn to cope which I believe is sometimes the best we can do in order to manage the grief. After I recovered from the intial shock of his death, I have since been involved in Suicide Prevention and doing public speaking as a way to educate people on how to respond to suicide issues and after suicide grief for loved ones who are left to deal with that very complicated grief. By doing this on a volunteer basis, I am helping myself as I help others to get through this, because getting through it is all we can do, there is no "getting over it". We don't get over the loss of a loved one; we only learn to manage our lives without them in it and that is always a "work in progress".

Christmas is a very difficult time of year when we are trying to deal with the loss of a loved one. There is so much hype around it that it seems like we should be all happy and joyful too, but our hearts are heavy with grief. We put on a brave face so as not to spoil the mood for our other loved ones, but that is very taxing on our emotional strength. We wear down after awhile and just wish for a quiet place to be alone so we can give in to our emotion and I think we should allow ourselves to do that once in awhile over the holidays. It helps to build up our strength to go on and reduces the stress on us of trying to hold up. I guess the best message I can give to all of you is to try and be as kind to yourselves as you are to others who are having a difficult time during this Christmas season. Give yourselves a big hug from me and I'm sure, from all of your other virtual friends on this forum. Take pleasure and peace where you can find it and embrace the loved ones you still have in your life.

As always  xxxxx  Hugs

Lorraine       

Hi Lorraine,  Your grief must be the most overwhelming there ever is to experience.The pain of the loss of a child to suicide is something I cannot imagine; and you too have had to experience losing your parents and brother.  I think your involvement with the Suicide Prevention is amazing and I am sure this helps so many as well as also being some therapy for you. Everything you have said is true, we don't get over our losses we have to adjust to them and it is indeed always work in progress.  When the pain hits it is just as bad as when it first happened and I wonder if that pain will become less or just the times that we feel it become less?  However we just have to go through it, if we felt no pain we would have felt no love and that would be worse.  I hope that all of us on here can find the strength that you have, thank you for your support and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.  Hope xx

Hi Beryl,  I am sure David is watching over you, and of course he lives on in your children whom I hope give you some joy over Christmas and always.  Hope xx

Oh Beryl,

I am so sorry to read about how low you are feeling at this time. Beryl, you are not being selfish at all, you had such a close and loving relationship with your David, It's small wonder you miss him so much. Some people will never experience the love that you two shared and will be much the poorer for it. This time of year heightens our emotions and as I often say we have no control over them. There is nothing to forgive for the fact you are feeling like you do Beryl. All I can say to you is I  think David would be so sad to see you like this but he would also fully understand I feel sure.

Take care Beryl, I will be thinking of you over this festive period, Brian

Hi Hope, thank you for your kind words. You are so right in that to feel love, perhaps feeling the pain of loss is a pre-requisite. I'm not so sure about that one, but I know all of us on this forum have experienced the pain of loss of some kind, so maybe its' a moot point here. I believe we certainly make our best effort to keep a stiff upper lip at times like Christmas and other such occasions, so we don't ruin the festivities for others. We just have to make sure to find time to care for ourselves at some point over the holidays.

I want to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas season and hope for the New Year.

Lorraine  xxxx 

Hi Beryl

Sorry to hear how you have been feeling especially at this time of year.  Just heard the other day an old friend of mine sister died of blood poisioning.  She was in her early 50s.

She leaves behind a husband and 4 children.  I couldn't stop crying the other night whenever I heard this news.  I then switched on the TV and saw a ad for the Anthony Nolan Trust asking people to donate just £3.00 to help a little girl with cancer.  She reminded me so much of my youngest same type of hair so I was sitting crying watching that too.

Went to a Carol Service last night and the choir started singing O Holy Night - my father loved that carol so I was off again.

No Beryl you are not being selfish at all and it is hard to come to terms with the fact that they are now at peace and their suffering is no more.

I pray that you have a lovely Christmas with your family and your grandchildren that you so much adore and we will speak again in the New Year.

Hugs to you lovely lady

Mickied