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My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

9 Jul 2019 00:03

My twin brother was diagnosed with gallbladder and liver cancer in April of this year and unfortunately because it was not detected in time he will be losing his battle to this horrific decease. When we were children we were very close and when I was born with spina bifita and was in out of hospital at the age 12 my mum told me he was ill at the same time.

For circumstances out of my control, at the age 50, we had become estranged and I only got to see him at family gatherings. The last time I saw my brother was at my dads birthday party in February and previous before that time I had not seen him since November the previous year at my mums birthday. When I saw my brother in November I thought he looked unwell but at that time I was dealing with my own health issues but when I got to see him again in February at my dads party, he looked grey and his eyes looked yellowish colour. I came away with a strong sense he had cancer then. I mentioned to my other siblings about my concerns but no one listened to me and now we are were we are today. When he got diagnosed in April it was of no surprise.

i have been visiting him since he got diagnosed trying to encourage him to fight and doing all I can do to help him but unfortunately my help to him had to come to late. He is now in hospital on oxygen and morphine and is unresponsive. Although I said my goodbyes yesterday and have made my peace with him the thought of losing him is to much to bare. I have been worried about getting the call telling me his died and have been bed bound, vomiting and unable to eat anything of substantial as I feel I have no appetite. I don’t want him to die, I’m not ready for him to die and I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him in the mortuary. I don’t want him to be alone in heaven because no one in our family has I died.

How do I deal with the huge feeling of anxiety and dread?

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

9 Jul 2019 00:43 in response to Par7

Hi there ...

So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... life and cancer is crule ... it must feel absolutely devistating... as your his twin ... and although you spent time apart, you both made your piece with each other ... no one wants to loose anyone we love .. but we all have to go through this at some time .. as sad as it is ... I'm sure there will be someone there to take him in their arms and help him on that last journey we all have to take ... weather it's a grandparent or someone who knew him .. or just an angel ... no one goes alone ...

It's gonna be heartbraking .. there's no way around it .. the pain we feel, is because we loved them .. and it's part of life, loosing and feeling grief ... but he'll always be tucked up in your heart .. your his twin .. your part of each other ... 

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

9 Jul 2019 01:11 in response to Chriss

Thank you. That’s so kind for to have responded so quickly and especially at this time.  I can’t eat, sleep and generally function. Our family is so fortunate to not have lost anyone.  My mum has dementia and that’s as close as we have got to death because although she is here in body she is not in mind and mums the shadow of the women she was. It’s the only saving grace with this horrible decease that she does not understand we will be burying her son.

Your response was helpful and to know that an angel is will be waiting for him settles my mind a little. My brother is unlike me he is very shy and reserved and seeing as we both didn’t know our grandparents, he will just have to socialise with other people up there until one of us gets in heaven to join him.

I know it’s such early days but it’s so hard already. Wow I have never experienced such heartache.

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

9 Jul 2019 23:26 in response to Chriss

At 4.50am whilst still awake I felt a huge sense of calm and peace come over me and it was out of nowhere. It was so unexpected as throughout the night into the early hours I had been having panic attacks and crying.  It’s not until my family had visited later in the day and that I was told my twin brother had died in early hours. I fell to bits and I crumbled. I thought up until then that I had experience the worse form of heartache but I had no idea how much pain your feels once your love one passes. When I finally settled from crying I was told he passed at 4.50am. I felt my brothers peace and I felt at one with him.  As twins he will always be part of me and I will always be part of him. I feel part of me is missing. 
I’m thankful for sites like this as my family are already arguing over funeral arrangements etc. I’m finding it so disrespectful and hurtful. Why do families do that? 

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

9 Jul 2019 23:39 in response to Par7

Hi ...

Oh my ... how wonderful you felt him as he passed ... I too knew the minute my mum died ... and know that feeling of calm you had .. but my heart goes out to you ...he will live in your heart now .. you will take him with you on your journey through life....

It's a crying shame why everyone seems to fall out at funerals ... it makes me really sad ... if the one that passed could see it, they'd be heartbroken .. I was so so lucky when my mum and dad passed, us three girls never had a cross word .. we just walked together to say our good byes ... but so many don't ..

Hold your head up high, and try not to get involved ... let them disagree ... your better then that .. and I'm sure your brother would be right proud of you now ... 

Grief is a long process .. there's no right or wrong way to feel .. just go with however you feel at the time ...  try not to hold it in .. but if you still feel that sense of calm go with it too .. I felt it right through mum's funeral .. like she was saying I'm not there in that box, I'm right here by you .. 

So whatever you feel that's o.k .. sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

 

 

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

11 Jul 2019 23:42 in response to Chriss

I'm so sorry to hear about your twin brother. It's so lovely that you felt his peace. Look at my post under dying with cancer. " I have seen where you go and it's beautiful ". This might make you feel abit better. It doesn't matter that your brother never knew your grandparents, they will know him and will greet him with love. That maybe why you sensed his peace, because he was relaxed and happy. All the best to you and your family. And yes it is very annoying when family argue over funerals Sad

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

12 Jul 2019 00:17 in response to Tinsy

Thank you for your kind words. Everything is so raw and every day brings a new load of emotions. I’ve never experienced death in our family, so to lose my twin has been a huge struggle. It’s really helped being able to chat on these sites as I live alone and nights seem to be a double edged sword. You look forward to going to bed as you don’t have to deal with what the day brings you, but then when your alone it creeps up on you and you feel Immense grief and sadness. 

Thank you to all that have read and responded. So very grateful. 

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

12 Jul 2019 00:21 in response to Chriss

Christie thank you so much for responding. I live alone so it’s kind that people check in on me in the day but it’s the nights when I feel the worse but with this site I am able to connect with like minded people and don’t feel all alone, so thank you very much.

 

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

12 Jul 2019 08:00 in response to Par7

Hi ... and your welcome ...

You can always chat on here ... it's an amazing place where someone will know how your feeling .. and in time you could help others going through what you are now .. 

I've found in reaching out, we get far more back then we give ... so hold on in there ... sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

My twin brother will die of cancer tomorrow and I can’t cope

12 Jul 2019 08:35 in response to Chriss

Thank you that’s really kind and reassuring.