My twin brother was diagnosed with gallbladder and liver cancer in April of this year and unfortunately because it was not detected in time he will be losing his battle to this horrific decease. When we were children we were very close and when I was born with spina bifita and was in out of hospital at the age 12 my mum told me he was ill at the same time.
For circumstances out of my control, at the age 50, we had become estranged and I only got to see him at family gatherings. The last time I saw my brother was at my dads birthday party in February and previous before that time I had not seen him since November the previous year at my mums birthday. When I saw my brother in November I thought he looked unwell but at that time I was dealing with my own health issues but when I got to see him again in February at my dads party, he looked grey and his eyes looked yellowish colour. I came away with a strong sense he had cancer then. I mentioned to my other siblings about my concerns but no one listened to me and now we are were we are today. When he got diagnosed in April it was of no surprise.
i have been visiting him since he got diagnosed trying to encourage him to fight and doing all I can do to help him but unfortunately my help to him had to come to late. He is now in hospital on oxygen and morphine and is unresponsive. Although I said my goodbyes yesterday and have made my peace with him the thought of losing him is to much to bare. I have been worried about getting the call telling me his died and have been bed bound, vomiting and unable to eat anything of substantial as I feel I have no appetite. I don’t want him to die, I’m not ready for him to die and I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him in the mortuary. I don’t want him to be alone in heaven because no one in our family has I died.
How do I deal with the huge feeling of anxiety and dread?