Hi there ...

So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment.... life is crule ... and cancer cruler .. my heart goes out to you ... I lost my granddaughter to acute myeloid leukaemia last month ... it just leaves a massive hole , no one can fill ... 

They say it only takes the best .. like your son, my granddaughter never swore ... never smoked .. loved life ... and yet she had to go through 7 months of intense chemo .. radio ... and stem cell transplant... and just when we thought she'd got it on the run ... it bounced back with a vengeance...

Sadly there is no easy way round loosing these young souls ... I've lost lots of family through my life... but nothing has come close to loosing her at 18 ... they are just starting out in life .. there's no rhyme or reason .. nothing makes sense ... 

So we have to remember the good times .. that's a song my granddaughter loved ... "good times" by all time low ... it tells us to think of the times we did have .. and I believe we hold them in our hearts now.. take them with us ... never stop talking about them .. my daughter in law,  like you is devistated ... but knows her daughter would want her to go on ... so for Jess... well know she'll be there waiting when it's our turn ... 

So just do what you can ... get through today .., then every day one day at a time .. give yourself permission to feel angry .. or sad .. or have tears ... and when you think of a funny memory , it's o.k to smile to ... I think a part of a mum goes with them ... and a part of them lives in you to .. 

So know your not alone ... cancer reaches far and wide ... but that cancer wants you to just remember the pain... then it can see you as a victim to ... well stick two fingers up to it... and just remember your son before cancer .. that way he can't take us too ... sending you a vertual hug.... chrissie xx

Dear Chrissy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I can't stop crying, every day is harder and harder. Yesterday was my birthday, my friends came with flowers and cake. All I could do is just cry, how my child use to surprise me spoil me on my birthday. 24th September was his birthday, his friends came from London to celebrate his birthday. First time we celebrated his birthday without my son. It's heart breaking. No mother should go through this.

thank you for your kind support, please do keep in touch. I'm lonely. This house is empty.

regards

Ash

Your welcome ... I'm here most days ... I'll send you a friend request... then you can message me when you need a shoulder to lean on ... I'll always get back in a day or two ... 

But please know , he was watching you all on his birthday ... you just couldn't see him ... I'm sure they watch over us ... I know my mum has left me feathers when I'm in trouble .. like when I was diagnosed with breast cancer... they were even in my bra .. lots of them .. then the day they told me it was contained and low risk of spread ... they just stopped ... 

And with Jess.. when we went to see her in the chapple of rest... me and her mum .. there was a butterfly outside the window ... and only went when her mum went in to see her ... and on my phone is a verse with the heading butterfly ... you just have to believe and there will be signs .. though not when we ask for them ... they come when we don't expect it ... 

You will feel lost for a long time ... and things will never be "normal again" we have to slowly find a new normal ... we may one day get used to them not here .. but we never stop missing them ... I think we learn to live with the pain ... remember to... you still have a daughter that will need you too ... hold her hand ... walk with her through this pain .. I'm sure she's hurting to ... 

So hold on in there ... and tears are o.k ... you never see a rainbow without rain ... chrissie xx

Dear Christie,

you're truly a kind and supportive lady. I feel my Sunny's presence everyday and night. I remember him telling on  me Mum I'll look after you from up, it was heart breaking. He was asking all his friends look after my mum. 
I have been extrovert, very busy person in my life. Always busy with work, home, socialising with friends, travelling. Love gardening, interior designing. Now I'm totally lost, I am in bed most of the time, no energy no motivation. My friends took me out for coffee, I just panicked, couldn't tolerate crowd, music. I get breathless eadilt, lost lot of weight.

im waiting for counselling, hope I'll get some suppot.

kind regards

Ash

Just be kind to yourself ... it all takes time ... I've never felt so broken loosing our Jess...  I just let myself cry it out ... have close family that listened to me ... talking about them really does help .. but know your son wouldn't want you to just stay in bed ... have you got grand kids at all ..

Jess s    little sister and brother help me so much ... when I see them, the pain eases ... yea councilling will help, though I wonder if there's a wait with this covid ... 

I know how intense this pain is being a nanny ... loosing a child ... I can't even imagine ... but give yourself that time .. but then you need balance .. a time to get out the bed .. get dressed and eat a little ... otherwise you'll only feel safe in bed ... but think what your son would say to you ... so for him .. grieve .. then move ... even when you don't want to .. 

One day you can help someone who feels that raw pain of loosing a child ... one day ... but you have to find a balance ... chrissie x

Thank you Chrissie

i am trying slowly, like tidying, cleaning lounge. The other day I hoovered my room and Sunny's room. His room is very tidy and organised, as I taught my children to stay in well mannered, organised from very childhood. He was genuinely polite, every day he use to say good morning mum, good night mum. Now I say good morning, good night and talk to him every day and night. 
I don't have grand children, my daughter is younger than Sunny. Sunny was more interested in travelling, trekking, music, playing guitar, trying different food and writing food journal rather than going clubbing, We use to watch films when we are off together, he has vast collection of blue-rays, cds and records. 
I grew up with my children as I married an early age, I remember we use to play video games together, watch tv together, curled up under blankets. 
how I miss my Sunny, every little things, even his favourite cup, plate, food reminds me of him all the time. He is my mind , my heart every second. I love you my child, my ️Sunny ️
 

regards

Ash

Dear Ash53, I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child like that. It is the worst thing in the world. I wish you every strength. xx Harry

Thank you Harry,

Its the worst thing ever happened in my life. I'm looking at his room, it's empty, I'm broken into pieces, I miss my son so much. This pancreatic cancer is so lethal, aggressive, does not give you any sign and symptoms and very hard to detect. I don't have any family history of cancer. I'm still in shock. He was very healthy, health conscious, down to earth child. He had a plan to go for trekking in Wales and Cornwall on 26th of September with his friend which he told me only on mid July, by 21st August my child has taken away. 
It's so unreal, so cruel. I don't know how I'm going to cope. Will I be able to go back to work again as a A&E nurse? I'm scared, insecure.

kind regards 

Ash

I feel so lonely and empty, the loss of child is unbearable. You raise your child, dream about his future. You see his smile happy face, talk, laugh and all of a sudden he is not here with you. This pancreatic cancer is so lethal, no sign and symptoms, my healthy, kind, child has taken away so quick, so young. Why cancer attacks only gentle, kind souls xx

Hi Ash

im so sorry for the loss of your son Sunny. Life is so very cruel. I lost my beautiful brother age 42 to pancreatic cancer in September there. He too was a healthy young man and worked in the building industry right up until the end off July. He had attended hospital over 14 months getting scans and other tests with shoulder pain stomach & back pain and also dramatic weight loss and they still never picked up on anything so I do feel a lot anger aswell as sadness. The doctors only discovered the cancer 4 weeks before he passed. It's a real cruel cancer and he was in so much pain for them 4 weeks.Thankfully he got very good care from hospice nurses and we as a family got some good days with him. I as a sister am just totally heartbroken and so hard watching my parents hearts breaking too, as you yourself know the pain of losing a child I some days I feel like I've lost them aswell. I try to stay strong for them when I too am falling apart.
I'm sure you have beautiful memories of your son and that he will be looking over you. ️ ️ I believe my brother will be watching over us I talk to him everyday like he is still with us.

Take One day at a time xxx