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My step dad has two months to live

Laurenmarie
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Well, I've been incredibly fortunate for Cancer to have never struck my family or loved ones, you hear of it so frequently and my heart always went out to those who were fighting this horrid disease, however, this week everything changed. My step dad had been suffering with back pain for a few weeks, but put it down to the fact he was just over worked (he's a self-employed carpenter), then on Thursday last week, he got taken into hospital by ambulance with excrutiating pain. On Friday evening, the evening before his 50th Birthday, they diagnosed him with terminal cancer and gave him 5 years.

Today, after his CT scans, we have learnt that this is now only 2 months due to the cancer spreading from his prostate, to his spine and is now all over his body.

My heart is breaking, not only for this wonderful man who came into my life when I was 11 years old, but for my mum, who only got to marry him 3 years ago and to my little sister. I'm now 23, my full sister is 20 and my half sister, my step dads and mums daughter, is only 10 years old. They've still not been able to tell her, as everything was so up in the air until today and no one knew what was happening, but they're going to tell my little sister tomorrow after talking to FORCE, who are apparently able to provide assitance with these kinds of things. 

Im suffering from an immense amount of guilt, as I took the decision on Sunday to drive 5.5 hours to stay in Lincoln with my fiance who is away with work, I just couldn't bear to me away from him with this all going on as he has been such a huge support throughout it all, then today we learnt the news of my step dads time being cut even shorter, and I feel awful that I can't be with them all to support them. My stepdad called me today and told me to not worry about rushing home, as he felt it was important to have some time to myself and we would all see each other on Thursday, when we're due back. 

I've been able to talk to some people and feel comfortable doing so, but I guess the main reason for me posting, is I just don't know what to do now... 

I've tried helping arrange their finances and other things like this, but now I want to do more, I want to be able to make sure he has some amazing experiences in the next two months, not just for him, but for us all to spend some quality time with one another before it's too late. 

My mum is huge on Christmas, it's always been her favourite time of year, so I thought it be a nice idea to have a big christmas dinner in the next week or so, so that we can all have a christmas one last time as a family. But as I write that, I don't know if it seems too superficial and fake. I know ultimately, the most important thing to do is to just be there and enjoy our time as a family, but I would also love to do something special and I didn't know if anyone had any suggestions on what would be a really nice thing to do for us all? 

I just want to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm getting married next year and I had suggested to him today that he could be a part of walking me down the isle, as he is so upset he won't get to walk my little sister down the isle when she gets married, and now we learn today that it is very unlikely he will even make it to my wedding. I just want to give him a memory that we can all cherish forever but I just don't know what to do. 

This is just the worst feeling in the entire world. 

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    Hello laurenmarie,

    Thanks for sharing your moving story. You seem to be such a caring stepdaughter - your stepdad must be incredibly proud of you and is lucky to have you in his life at a time when he needs your support the most.

    Don't feel guilty about going to visit your fiance in Lincoln - in times like this, your stepdad is right it is actually good for you to recharge your batteries too.

    What a kind thought to want to organize something special for your stepdad, something that you can all enjoy together as a family. Is there anything that your stepdad is particularly into? Something that you feel would make him feel very happy? How very sad that he may not be able to walk you or your little sister down the aisle. I hope that somehow whatever happens he can be part of both your wedding celebrations, that you can make him very much part of this important day of your life even if he may not be able to physically be there in person.

    I would like to invite some of our lovely members to come and give you some suggestions - because I bet they will have some fantastic ideas for you.

    Perhaps to attract more replies to your post, you could also change the title of your thread to something more specific like 'Need some Inspiration to organize something special for stepdad' or something like that...

    Sending you and your stepdad my very best wishes. You sound like a lovely family.

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi there Laurenmarie,

    Really sorry to hear that you're step-father has been hit by this awful disease especially as you sound like such an amazingly close, happy family, he must be so proud of you.

    Please don't feel guilty for any decisions you made as it is incredibly important that our loved ones have that time to recharge, to have the support from those for whom they are the main concern.  None of us are any use to anyone if we aren't looked after or fail to look after ourselves so please do ensure that you look after yourself throughout this difficult time.

    What you are already doing for them sounds amazing, helping with sorting the finances etc.  And I imagine the thought of walking you down the aisle would be a dream come true.  I think that from how close you sound as a family, and you've said it yourself really, just the time together might be the biggest thing you could give to each other.  I'm struggling for ideas without knowing your step-father but I would probably be inclined to keep them more personal as his head will already be dealing with a lot.  However, you know him and he may well be that kind of person who would cope brilliantly with the big stuff.  Much as it's nice for it to be a surprise, it sounds like you have a great relationship and it might not be the worst idea to ask him what he'd like to do.

    I love the Christmas idea, but I would run it past your step-dad as he may have concerns about that becoming your mum's strongest memory of Christmas?  Maybe a different kind of themed-party might bring the fun without affecting any future experiences?

    I don't know how into nature and that you are, but for me it would be incredibly simple things like all going to a great viewpoint, or spending time snuggled-up outside watching the stars, recalling the humorous family stories etc.

    Sorry if none of that is any use, I'm a bit chemo-brained just now, but if you give an idea of what your step-father is into maybe I could help trigger some ideas?

    Will be thinking of you, and just want to say how inspiring your family sounds.

    LJx

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