Hi Sheila,

Your poor sister. It sounds as if she is having a particularly rough time. It is horrible watching a loved one suffering and feeling that there is nothing you can do to help her.  Don’t worry what you say to each other. You don’t have to say anything to her unless she wants to speak. If she does I’m sure that she will instigate this. Being there for her is the most important thing that you can do at present. Ensure that she is as comfortable as possible and fight her corner where necessary, to get her the optimum care.

Even if a person is unconscious, we are told that they can still hear when you speak to them. Are you trying to support her on your own or do you have relatives or friends who can help by supporting both of you? Your sister knows that she is in uncharted territory and will no doubt be frightened of what lies ahead. I know that it’s not easy, but try your best to be strong for her. By all means cry together too as this is a helpful release valve. Try not to think of the bigger picture but to take each day as it comes.

If at all possible try to find something pleasurable to do with her and to put all the doom and gloom aside for now. It is easier to cope with a positive attitude instead of getting bogged down in the bigger picture. Simple gestures like cutting or painting her nails, brushing her hair, reading to her or even listening to music can all help.

I hope that you find the strength to see this through. I am praying for you both. Remember that we are always here for support as you travel this awful journey, so don’t hesitate to come back and let us know how things are progressing.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I am stage 4 also with it spreading to my intestine walls, lymph nodes and liver. Having this is bloody awful. I was nil by mouth for over 4 weeks. No intake for one week where i lost a lot of weight but then i went on to TPN which is a luquid food through my picc line. I had a stent put in my bowel as the tumour was stopping me from passing and it was very painful. 

The hardest part is finding out and loosing complete independence. The chemo also wont help with emotion on your sisters part. Its a hard battle and journey and my thoughts are with you and your sister.

Hi my sister has learning difficulties and autism and I have always helped her through life. She has stage 4 cancer (terminal) and is not doing well it started in her pancreas and is now in her liver, she did have the whipple operation but it didn't cure it, it is back with a vengeance, I can't cope with the way people are quite happy and normal around you when you go to hospital, 

Hi Steph,

I notice that this is your first visit to the forum, so I extend a very warm welcome.

I am so sorry to hear about your sister’s prognosis. How much does she understand about her situation? This has to be particularly difficult for you to deal with, given her learning difficulties and autism. You do not say what age your sister is, but it must be very difficult to accept that, having helped her through life so far, there is little that you can do to help her at this stage.  Nonetheless, the best thing that you can do is to continue to support her as you have always done.

I have lost my mother to secondary breast cancer and have now had 2 bouts myself. It is not only hard to cope with surgery and treatment, but to many, the prospect of death is quite frightening. Having someone to talk things over with is a great help.

I understand how you feel when you attend hospital and everyone seems to be so happy and normal around you. But would you really rather that they were dull and dismal? It is a very thin line that our care teams walk, but I suspect that the former is better than the latter. Even though this can seem uncaring  and impersonal at times, I’m sure that this is not the intention.

Have you attended any of the cancer support groups that there are? Places like Maggie’s Centres or the Haven are a great support,  if you have one locally. They also offer a counselling service and various alternative therapies to de-stress you. You can pop in for a cuppa and a chat anytime, but need to make an appointment to avail of specific facilities, which are all offered free of charge. There are various other charities dotted around the country, so if these are not close by, have a word with your sister’s specialist nurse, who should be able to put you in touch with something similar.

Needless to say, we are always here for you too and, we know exactly what you are going through first hand. Thinking of and praying for you both.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I don't know commonplace this is around the country but my niece, who has mild learning difficulties, has a job at the hospital where they live talking to patients who have learning difficulties.  She has been doing for a long time now and it works well.  Obviously it does not include detailed medical information but it makes communication a lot easier as my niece can understand the problems the patients may be having.  My niece is very friendly and could talk for an Olympic gold medal.  I am not suggesting every hospital has such a service but might be worth enquiring.  On the other hand as you are obviously helping with your sister with communication it might not be necessary in your case.

Hi there,

I am in exactly the same situation... my sister, my best friend is fighting stage 4 bowel cancer that has spread to her her liver. She found out at the end of October and I feel like I'm falling apart more than her. I can't face a world without her in it. I feel you Sheila ️

Hi BananaSultana,

Welcome to our forum.

This is such a difficult situation for you to deal with. All you can do is to support your sister to the best of your ability. Be there for her, talk to her, tend to her needs as they develop, see if there is anything that she wants to do. I would normally add, or anybody she wants to see, or any place she wants to visit, but this is a problem with the current pandemic.

Try not to think of a world without her. For the present, try to make her life as comfortable as possible. Reassure her about how much she is loved and, try to allay any fears she may have about dying. As your sister gets weaker, you will find the strength to be the stronger one and be able to ensure that she gets all the care she needs to pass peacefully.

You will face a world without her. It won't be easy, but you'll do it for her. Try to put a positive slant on this and you will cope so much better. The last thing your sister needs just now is to know how upset this is all making you.

Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to get through this.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you for your kind and wise words Jolamine, much appreciated and good to hear  

Hi BananaSultana,

I have unfortunately, been through this situation with a number of close family and friends. If I can help in any way, please let me know.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx