My sister is 72 and was diagnosed on Christmas Eve with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer with 3 brain metastases. This came completely out of the blue, I found her the previous day at home very confused and having hallucinations and called an ambulance, a chest X-ray showed the lung tumour and CT scan of chest and brain confirmed the diagnosis. Only the previous weekend we had been out together and although I had thought for a few weeks she seemed a little vague, her diagnosis was a terrible shock.

She is now living with me and my husband as we didn’t want her going back to the house where she had such frightening hallucinations, and she has quickly become very frail and dependant so there is no question of her living alone again. We’re glad to have her with us where she can be safe and comfortable and I’m taking leave from work to look after her. She is due to start 10 sessions of whole brain radiotherapy on 8 Feb , Palliative only.

although she has named me as her next of kin, she does have 2 sons. One lives not far away and she has had no contact with him for 14 years, since he came to my own son’s 30th birthday party. The other lives about 60 miles away and has not seen her for 10 years, although they occasionally talk on the phone. She has at least 5 grandchildren, none of whom keep in touch either, and 3 great grand children. I’ve tried in the past to bring her back together with her eldest, but he backed out. Their differences date back many years to when she split up from their dad. The loss of contact has hurt her enormously over the years as when she was married to her second husband they spent a lot of time and money helping one to overcome alcoholism and the other with financial problems, but now she is divorced again and on her own they don’t want to know her.

I don’t want to make her situation sound too bad because she is a very valued part of my family, and is included in all our celebrations and day to day activities, and we often go on holiday together. My sons and grandchildren love her and have all been very supportive through this nightmare. My problem is she refuses to let me tell her sons she is ill, I asked her as soon as she got her diagnosis, her answer was a definite NO and although I ask her regularly in case she changes her mind, the answer is always the same. She’s also said the same to the Macmillan nurse and the Palliative Care Nurse from our local hospice. I have promised to abide by her wishes because I think that in a situation where she has lost almost every shred of control over her life, in this she does have control and I must respect it. If I went against her wishes I think she would never trust me again.

i just wondered if anyone else has had the same dilemma, and might have some words of advice for me.