My mum died 11th November 2017, at the time of writing this it’s about a month away from the year anniversary and it still isn’t any easier, it might even be harder. This is my first time trying anything like this (as a result of my one too many emotional break downs) this is my first time even writing about how I truly feel, I usually just say “yeah I’m fine/I’ll be fine” like we probably most do. I don’t really know what I’m looking to get out of writing this (and maybe eventually posting it) because anytime my friends or family ever sasomething it never really seems to make the slightest bit difference to how I feel. Maybe some sort of closure when I see or read about all the other people dealing with the same things, the same problems and how to overcome them or maybe it might just help letting this all out. Idk.
I don’t really know where to start cos I feel as though I’ve got so much to get off my chest. I guess I’ll start by saying that my mum was the most important, special, and closest person to me in the whole world which I think makes it even harder to come to terms with what’s happened. I’ve never had (and scared I never will have) a connection with ANYONE like the one I did with my mum. It’s almost as if we were the same person and now it really constantly feels like there’s a huge part of me missing. I also dont think it helps that I’ve never dealt with death before, the only time I’ve ever experienced it before was when my great aunt died when I was really young and even then I didn’t know her that well. So this is all new to me, I’ve never grieved or had to grieve before and now I’m find myself constantly doing it on a daily basis - over the person who means/meant the most to me.
Another thing which plays on my mind a lot and really bothers me (maybe the most), I know that my mum would not be proud of what I’m doing with my life just now. I’m 18 almost 19 I left my job because I was too stressed out by my whole situation (going to the toilet to cry almost every shift). So now I’m unemployed and have been for a good few months, at first I was fine with it cos I think a break was doing me a world of good but now I think the opposite as its been too long and too many days of sitting alone in my bedroom with just my thoughts to myself is maybe messing with my head a bit. I have been trying to find another job but things just don’t seem to be going for me at the moment and I feel really really unmotivated about it all. The not having a job parts not my main concern about not making my mum proud it’s my lifestyle in general I’m doing all the things she hated and just feel as though I’m wasting away, doing nothing during the week and then just getting out my face at the weekends. I’m not too happy with this situation myself but I just feel kinda stuck where I am at the moment and I always tell myself that I’ll grow up to make her proud and I really believe I will it’s just this period/stage I’m going through which I’m a bit ashamed of and feel quite guilty about.
This is maybe the part that upsets me the most. My dad loved my mum so much and they were together for so many years but his way of dealing with this whole thing is to try and block it out and forget which really really upsets me because I’m the opposite but I know if this is the way he deals with this sort of thing then I’ve got to let that be. I am happy to say that my dad seems a lot happier and in a better place now than he did the months just after it happened where he would break down often or start crying anytime he got slightly tipsy. I’m obviously happy to see him doing better but at the same time it breaks my heart seeing him try to move on and forget because I’ll never forget and I’ll definitely never forget my dads cries and screams that morning at the hospital. I think I sometimes try to forget and block it out aswell as I can’t help but cry anytime I think about my mum but realise that that’s not really what I want to be doing and end up just breaking down crying.
I don’t know why I didn’t put this in the paragraph above I guess I’m just used to hiding/missing this bit out. My dads recently started seeing another woman which breaks my heart too because I think how could u move on or forget so quick but like I said in the last paragraph if that’s what keeps him sane or happy id rather that. I’ve still not met this other woman nor do I really want to (I don’t know if I’m being nasty or if that’s normal) but going back to the point about my dad wanting to forget everything I just thought it was a bit strange and just confused me when he first told me about this new woman with a big smile on his saying “and guess she’s called and guess what her ex who also died of cancer was called” and of course she has the same name as my mum and he had the same name that my dad does, idk maybe at that moment it just felt like he was trying to replace my mum which to me will never happen.
I’ll probably think of tons of other stuff I could’ve put in this after writing it so unless there’s an edit button thanks for putting up with me if u made it this far
