Hi and welcome to the forum - I so hope others will be along soon to help tto support you at this difficult time.

It must have been such a shock to hear of your Mum's diagnosis and she must be so grateful to you for coming home and being with her when she needs you so much.  I am in your Mum's situation and believe me, you are an angel and it is clear how much you love your Mum.

Practically can I suggest that you talk to your local McMillan Nurses (they are usually contactable via the hospital where your Mum is being treated).  They will be able to help you get some support with Mum's care and advise you about what other help is avaiilable, ie financial, respite for you etc etc. You also need to be honest with them about how you are feeling so that they can support you throughout whatever the future brings.  The nurses here on the site are also brilliant and can be contacted on their freephone number shown at the bottom of the page during office hours Mon-Fri.

Please try to keep in contact with some of your trusted friends - sometimes when we are in these situations it is easy to withdraw from people (I do it too!) but we both know how important the support of friends is and how just having a few 'normal' hours out of the cancer world can refresh us.  No-one can help you unless you tell them honestly how low you are feeling and how you need their help.

I know how empty this situation makes you feel but please please do not think of going back to the suicide route you tried before.  Your Mum has worked so hard to help you get back on your feet and you know she would be heartbroken to think of you back in that situation.  Cancer is a cruel disease, please dont let it beat you too!  Your GP mayl be able to help you, so please think about seeing him/her. 

There are many people here who will understand how desperate you are feeling so please come to the forum and 'talk' whenever you need to.  Hope to speak soon x

Hi Max, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. 

I will speak to the Macmillan team and let them know what is going on. To see what help I can get re caring. I spoke to my Mum about it also and we are going to look for some additional help. 

I read about your journey and your a real survivor. I hope you can keep going for as long as possible for your family. 

I spent yesterday finishing off the house, following last weeks move, so at least the house is in order.  Time to start cracking through those other odd jobs as and when I can. 

You out look after yourself, amazing that you can give so much when your going through so much yourself

Thank you 

So glad that you and Mum have decided to speak to McMillan and hope that you 'click' with your assigned nurse because their help can be invaluable during times like this.

It is little wonder that you are feeling so low - I cant imagine the stress of moving on top of everything else you are going through. In the coming months, when you hit low points, please remember how strong you have been during this time and know that you will get through them with time.  Bad things happen to good people sweetheart but dont let it beat you - you are needed here to help others know there is always a glimmer of light at the end of the darkest tunnel, even when we cant see it for a while.

You take care of yourself and good luck with McMillan.  Love and hugs to you and Mum x

Just wondered how you are? x

Hi Max, 

My Mum lost her fight on 2nd April. I was at home with her when she passed, holding her hand. Luckily I had the support of my girlfriend, although she has had to move home.

I have so much to do before I can head 'home', although I have to move out of the house we rented together, on June 22nd. She has so many things and I do too, as she was storing them for me. 

My Dad didn't come to the funeral as he had a bad leg. My sister was not there either. She never brought the grandchildren my Mum raised for 6 years. It broke my Mum's heart and the depression she suffered afterwards was awful. I had a 3 week offer of help, but it was my fault that I got the timing wrong. My fault the kids didn't come. The family have since disowned me as I do not understand. She's a real piece of work. 

After the funeral we went to NY. My girlfriend and I, I'm currently inChicago, she has gone back to Sydney. I am suffering terribly from separation anxiety. It was the wrong move to carry on by myself. 

Everything now seems pointless. I know it's so soon, but it was the best thing I've done in my life. We got even closer. I mean nearly every day we were together, I saw it all. 

I can't sleep and I have flashbacks / nightmares. My own health has suffered terribly. It"s getting worse and the NHS are no hope. When I get back I am paying privately for an endoscopy and MRI myself. 

I thought I might get some relief, but in reality, I have another two months of effort re the house and the will. It would be nice to grieve. To sit still and cry. To close the curtains and switch off from the world, without having to move out because of an unsympathetic landlord who doesn't understand that the upkeep of the house is not as important as full time care. We would have had Mum's house but she sold it at a low point in the market to help my sister look after her kids. 

Australia means nothing to me now. It was a dream for my Mum. We wanted her to live with us so we could start a family. We cannot afford to have children without her. The biggest loss is they will miss the co-parenting of my amazing Mum. I spent most of my savings and have no idea when I will feel I can work again. 

The situation is a nightmare. I'm a sensitive *** as it is. 

I'll post more regularly now. Hopefully you are doing well yourself. Life just took over before and ran away with itself.

Thanks again

We are so sorry to hear your mum passed away and that things have been so difficult for you. Our sincere condolences on behalf of the Cancer Chat team.

Feel free to use this forum as often as you want to as many on here will relate to what you are feeling at the moment. I hope it brings you some comfort to speak to our lovely community.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator