Hi everyone.
I'm not really sure why I’m posting this I think it’s just because I’m struggling to cope with everything that’s happened over the past couple of months and I don’t really have anyone to talk to in real life.
My mum was diagnosed 6 weeks ago with extensive small cell lung cancer that has spread to her spine, pelvis, pancreas and possibly liver. We have been told without treatment we could be looking at months only. With palliative chemo maybe up to a year. She is 71 and was a life long heavy smoker. (That stopped 6 weeks ago when she became physically unable to smoke as breathing was too difficult)
I’m just feeling such a mix of emotions. I’m so devastated she is dying and feel sick at the thought of losing her. Then I’m angry at her for smoking so much for so long. Then I’m angry at myself that I didn’t force her to go to a doctor when the more serious symptoms started before Christmas. I try and be strong and act normal when I’m around her. Then I worry by acting normal she thinks I don’t care. I don’t want her to see me upset but I also don’t want her to think I don’t care.
Im an only child and my father died 5 years ago. No family in the area although my mums sister in law has come down from Scotland to help for the time being. I’m just in shock at how quickly things have deteriorated.
She has been on and off unwell since December. But mainly just tired and losing weight and a more noticeable cough. I kept telling her to go to the doctor but she delayed it over and over. I tried to tell her it could be serious like cancer or COPD but she just brushed it off saying it was acid reflux, chest infection, you name it she found an alternative explanation. I won’t go into the long details but twice since January she refused hospital admission. Why didn’t I force her to go?? I’m not sure I really believed it could be this serious either. 6 weeks ago she was still going to the shops and smoking. Now she’s bed bound as her legs won’t support her, she’s barely eating and just sleeps all day. She has had one chemo round 2 weeks ago but her immune system has disappeared so she’s in hospital in isolation. I’m not sure they’ll do anymore chemo. And I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. I hate seeing her so unwell. I want her to be around as long as possible but I also don’t want her to make herself so unwell trying with the chemo.
sorry I’m going on a bit I’m just so conflicted all the time. She’s the only person I really asked for help and she could fix anything but now she can’t fix this and it’s up to me to make things as good as they can be for her.
thank you to anyone who read this. It helps to write it down.
