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My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

6 Jun 2016 07:58

I have never posted on a forum board before but I do not know where else to go. 

My mum has recently been diagnosed with spinal cancer and health has quickly deteriorated in the past 2 months. She has lost all mobility and has been given a couple of months to live. I am 21 and my sister is 12. I don't know what is going to happen if my mum passes. I'm trying to be strong for my mum, dad and sister but I feel as if my whole world is crashing down. I can't eat or sleep and all I seem to do is cry. My mum is so young and I'm heartbroken I won't get to spend my life with her. Every time I go out I am jealous of people that are out with their mums or people smiling because I'm not happy.

I really don't know what to do. I was hoping to hear from anyone that has been in a similar position and any advice any one could give me. 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

6 Jun 2016 14:03 in response to Ionastar

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Your world comes crashing down.

Hard as it sounds, you've got to stay positive. Maybe organise a day out with your sister to take your mind off things. Worst thing you can do is cry in front of your mum or comment on how stong she is.

Everyday write down one thing to be thankful for. It will be hard but there will always be something to smile about even when your whole word has been flipped upside down.

Don't jump to conclusions; just stay postitive. And when you need to, just have a good cry to yourself. Cry everything off.

And you know what they say: you need a little rain to make a rainbow.

I hope this helps you, I am going through the same dark cloud, and know how difficult it really is.

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

7 Jun 2016 10:03 in response to misszippy55

Thank you for your help. 

I am trying to stay positive but it is just so hard when I am in so much pain. I feel so helpless. I really appricate you taking your time to respond to me. I just feel so alone. I don't want to talk about it to any of my family because  I know it upsets them. 

I hope you are coping well with your own family. It is one of the most difficult situations to be in. 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

12 Jun 2016 00:10 in response to Ionastar

It's tough isn't it? I lost a dear friend to cancer at 40 and my mum at 64. I don't think it can ever be easy and it is hard to watch someone you love die. Don't be afraid to talk to friends and extended family about how you are feeling and let them support you as much as they can. Sometimes you need to cry and that's ok too, I suspect that it's better than trying to keep things bottled up. Try not to worry about the future, just take one day at a time. And make the most of the time you have left with your mum - it's a bitter sweat time, that can create some very special memories. I can't pretend I don't miss my mum, I still do (7 years on) but it gets easier with time. My sister is 8 years younger than me and I found she just needed to talk. I'm not her mum, but I can care when something important happens and I can make time for her. She needed me a lot to start with, but she has adjusted too and I know that losing our mum has brought us closer together. Your sister is young and she has those difficult teenage years ahead when hormones are challenging, but you've been there and you will be able to help her through. You will find that people are kind. They don't always know what to say or do, but they do want to help and make things easier if they can. Be kind to yourself; this is the time to cut yourself some slack. I stopped reading newspapers for a few months (news is so often bad news and I didn't need any more), I asked friends who wanted to help to send me funny films or books and I took extra care of my diet and sleeping habits. You say your mum is dying; cancer is a strange thing and that can mean days, weeks, months or even years. Cancer sufferers can have peaks and troughs and I've no idea how your mum is coping but if she is up to talking, tell her how you feel, I'm sure she can guess. Even a cry together can be cathartic. If I could go back and change just one thing about that last bit with my mum, it would be to be more honest with her about how I felt and try less hard to be strong. My friend had daughters, her husband is a caring, fantastic dad but of course she was sad at the thought of not being there to see them grow up. We talked about it because she wanted to andmy experience of people who know they are dying is that they are often incredibly open. It's ok to talk about your fears and how you feel but I can say that as sad as it is, every person I know that has lost a parent has coped. There will be moments when you think 'I wish mum could see this' etc, and I understand you feeling jealous when the world seems full of happy people. This will pass in time and you will be happy again. Your mother made you, you carry part of her with you, always. Wishing you and your family all the best.

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

12 Jun 2016 00:33 in response to Ionastar

I am 33 and my mum is terminal, it doesn't get easier, all the life milestones she is going to miss still break my heart. But I console myself with ensuring that the time I spend with mum is special, I want to make sure she has every happy moment she can, make as many happy memories as I can. I feel your pain. Its a very lonely place especially when you feel that you have to look out for other family members too. But look after yourself make sure you have no regrets when it.come to good time spent with your mum, talk to her, joke with her, make her laugh. You will look back on that in the long run X 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

12 Jun 2016 16:31 in response to Ionastar

Hello, 

I am new to this as well and would have never imagined myself to be posting in a forum before. 

I am so so sorry to hear about your Mum. Last month my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I felt like my world ended that day. I am 22 and it seems stupidly unfair that people in their 40's and 50's still have two healthy parents. Some days I have no idea how I will cope and other days I feel more positive. Is she having any treatment to make her more comfortable or to enhance her quality of life? 

The only advice I can give is to try your hardest to make happy memories now and make the most of the times when she is feeling well. If she is anything like my Mum she would be hating to see you feel the way you do. It really is such a cruel disease. 

Keep you chin up. 

Ellen xxxxx

 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

12 Jun 2016 17:10 in response to Ellen1994

So sorry to hear your sad news my mum has lung cancer and its in her lymph nodes. She has deteriorated quite fast over the last week she has lost the US e. of her kegs they can no longer hold her weight,I have no idea how long mum has, how can they tell between weeks an days. She seems weaker and weaker

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

16 Jun 2016 00:48 in response to Ionastar

Hi there, 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. In March, my dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer and sadly passed away in May, after a short 9 week battle. I'm 20 and my younger sister is 16. When my dad was ill, I tried my best to keep things as normal as possible. It was really really hard, but I just spoke to my dad as I normally would and made him as comfortable as possible. 

It's just important to make sure you stick together as a family - you will help eachother through this awful awful time. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with it, so don't try to stop crying when you feel you need to. Everyone needs to cry. 

Just make sure to spend as much time together as possible and treasure those happier memories. And remember, she'll always be your mum! 

I'm here if you'd like to talk.

Georgia x 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

17 Jun 2016 18:50 in response to Ionastar

Hi, I am really sorry to hear of your mum and this is going to be very difficult for you and the family especially with you being so young. I lost my wonderful dad when I was 18 suddenly from a heart attack, he was my best friend too. I'm 27 now and you never get over it but it does get easier. The thing that bothered me the most was because it was so sudden I he no time to prepare and there are things I wish I had said before he passed. Now is your time to make precious memories with your mum and enjoy what time you have left. Nobody knows how long they have on this earth and you need to make the most of the time you have left. This is going to be one of the hardest things you will go through but you will get through it. If you want to chat please send me and email. Best wishes

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

21 Jun 2016 19:36 in response to Ionastar

Lonastar, it is OK to cry. It is OK - normal in fact - to feel jealous of people out with their mums. The world will probably feel as if it's full of old people who still have their mums. You will probably feel angry, desperate, lonely and a whole bunch of other things - and all of these are normal for someone in your position. You can't protect other people from what is happening, be that your mum, your dad or your sister.  You can't put yourself between 'it' and them. You can only be there with them. To be able to do that now and in the longer term you have to look after yourself as well. You need to sleep - most of all you need to sleep - so you can cope with each day - one day, one hour, one minute at a time if necessary. You need to eat so you don't get ill. You need to be able to talk to someone outside your own family circle so you can cry, get angry, say anything without fear of upsetting people. Yes, at 21 you are an adult, but when your mum is dying, we are all children (I know - my mum is also dying). And you need and deserve support. Book yourself to see a GP - talk to them and ask for help about sleeping and eating. They can get you bereavement counselling or counselling to help you prepare for your mum's death. They may be able to put you in touch with other carers or people who understand. Contact MacMillan help line - 0808 808 0000 for advice and support. If your mum has a palliative care nurse (she should have) they are also there to help you and your family.  You may be able to get help for your sister through the local hospice. A lot of hospices have special schemes for children to help them prepare for a parent's death and to support them in bereavement and for as long as they need it afterwards. Talk to her school as well, if you haven't already, so they understand what is going on and can support her if she gets upset in school time. You have taken a brave step in asking for help here. Make sure you ask for help out there in the 'real' world too.

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

22 Jun 2016 12:05 in response to Ionastar

Hi 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum - I won't say I know how you feel, everyone's story is different, but my mum is terminal, and we've recently been told it could be as little as a few weeks

It's normal to feel jealous. I'm going to be a bridesmaids for one of my best friends soon, and as happy as I am for her, I can't help but feel sad that I'm not going to get that moment of my mum helping me prepare for my big day and having her cry like a fool when I say my vows.

As someone in a similar situation my advice would be as strong as you can in front of your mum. Try and stay normal, chat about stupid work dramas or something funny one of your friends has said. My mum has always said she doesn't want our lives to change because of Cancer - that's letting it win and we won't let it win. So just carry on as best you can in front of your mum - she'll appreciate the normality.

But when you need to, go to your friends house and just cry. Tell them you're jealous. Tell them your life sucks. Tell them how you don't know how to survive without your mum. If they're good friends they won't care if it's the first or hundreth time you've said it to them. From someone that tried to stay strong all the time for so long I can honestly say you need the outlet. 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

4 Aug 2019 18:37 in response to Ionastar

Hi there 

i wrote a very long mail and mentioned seeking guidance from Mooji . He talks about grief after losing his own son at a young age. Unfortunately my well wishes and condolences for you to lose your mother at such a young age were deleted from this cancer forum with the message that my mail was offering alternative cancer treatments , which i wasn't. I had also recomended taking some flower essences which have been helping me overcome the fear and anxiety i have been having facing my own mothers terminal illness. I am sorry you didn't recieve my warm message . I did however want to mention the spiritual guideness one can find online and hope you find peace in your heart.

Love and light Y

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

8 Aug 2019 22:29 in response to Ionastar

I am so sorry to hear of your sad news it's a very tough time and you need to stay as positive as you can and try sometimes to focus on positive things. My dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 17months ago he had treatment and it then spread to his lungs, spine and bones. Dad passed away on 28th July at home. My mam was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 3  June this year and then on 1st  july her lung collapsed she is home from hospital and is on a hospital bed getting weaker by the day, she has been given months to live. Life can be so sad and cruel sometimes but you will get through it.xx 

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

7 Sep 2019 00:07 in response to Ionastar

Mmm..hey..

I think writing a list everyday of things your grateful for is good idea, speak out to friends, not all friends going to get it, some won't even know what to say. 

My mum also has cancer and us getting week. I spent last week and half crying. It tips your safety net out. As a reaction I reached out to sisters, I spoke to my mum, I asked her ihow I can help. 

I've made time table so I can be more if service to her, I've had to step up. Trust your know what to do, but you got to be mountain, just be there with her. Being you is enough. 

I've now started cooking more for her, cleaning, and finding out what she loves. It's stressful making these changes, but it's beautiful too. All can do is make it as enjoyable for them, help them find peace to transition with love. Be that loving safety ..but take it easy. Make sure you get your time. Go to meditation group. 

And remember to connect to her soul, not her illness. 

Big love

My mum is dying and I don't know what to do.

29 Jul 2020 06:24 in response to Ionastar

Hi, 

 

I know this post was from a long time ago, but I really need some advice and comfort too. My mum has just been given a 20% chance to survive the bexty 3 weeks. I don't think she wants to fight any mory. It feels like a piece of my heart is dying. How are you all doing now?