My mum has had a rare form of Ovarian cancer for almost 6 years now. Even from the start there was very little the NHS could do to help her. She eventually had to have various treatments abroad, as her cancer is so complicated (it is calcified and mutated). Up until July of this year, myself (22), Mum (51) and my little brother (13) lived with my Nan who is now 85. I have been at uni for the past 3 years, and so when I finished uni we moved back into my mother's house, to relieve my elderly Nan, and I became Mum's primary carer. At first it was okay, I tried to keep up with all the things that needed doing in the house, care for my Mum as well as do shift work. But at the end of summer, with my brother going back to school, we decided it best to have carers come in twice a day, so that when me and my brother weren't at home that Mum still had the help she needed. Her cancer has progressed in the past few months, and is now pressing on the tubes of her stomach and bowel. She is sick everyday, after lunch and dinner, and so weak all of the time. She is scarily thin, and the doctors have implied that eventually she will starve to death, as they would not be able to artificially feed her for complicated reasons. She is angry at the world. But I seem to take the brunt of it. She will scream and shout at me, a lot of the time what seems to be over small things, or say really hurtful things to me. She has only ever once apologised, and sometimes will not acknowledge that she has said these things at all, often saying she would never say something like that. My brother does not get this treatment, and she often compares me to him, saying why I can't I be like him, when both of us are trying our best to look after her. She gets angry with my Nan too whenever she rings up or comes round, but my Nan seems to have a thicker skin with it all. I get so so very upset when she tries to create arguments with me or says hurtful things. All I want is for us have nice memories to take forward, and for her to make the most of whatever she may have left. I know that is easier said than done, and I cannot imagine the turmoil that must be going through her head everyday. She no longer seems to have the capacity to think of anyone but herself, and will not acknowledge my hurt. My brother seems unphased by all of this, I guess as he is not taking the brunt of it. With everything, him and my Nan will side with my Mum, and think that I am the one who is causing problems, upsetting my Mum, when it is her venting her anger at me, and blaming me for everything (She even once blamed me for her having cancer, and said that I was the reason she was dying). When Mum is really struggling she shouts about how she is dying and no one is doing anything, and says things to me like "You can see your friends when I'm dead". I feel so helpless, and like I'm not only losing my Mum but my brother and my Nan through all of this too. I am meant to be my brother's guardian if anything happens to my Mum and I fear that he will want nothing to do with me when she passes, because of the way that my Mum has perceived me to be right now. I only want to help her and for us to get on. Even the other morning, going into her room and asking how she was and if she needed anything was met with anger and shouting, with me eventually not being able to hold back the tears. Has anyone else who has had a family member with cancer been met with irrational anger towards them? It is just so difficult to deal with at times, and I end up avoiding her and feeling guilty for doing so. But I feel there is nothing I can do right in her eyes anymore and I do not feel loved by her anymore, which I know may seem selfish to say about someone who is consumed by the idea that her life may end at any given day :( Thank you for reading this, I know it is very long, but if you can help me in any way please let me know, even if it is just a small bit of advice. I just want my Mum back, and I want her to enjoy whatever time she has got left with me as well as my brother, as I feel that the two of them seem to have an untouchable bond, and I have become like an outsider.
Thank you to anyone who responds to this,
Emily
