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My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

11 Mar 2019 09:43

It’s been nearly 9 months now since my mum lost her battle with small cell lung cancer, no sooner was she diagnosed she was gone, she was also in denial and I could not talk to her or tell her how I felt and I also didn’t get the opportunity to listen to how she felt because she did not want to talk about it and no one could even mention the word cancer to her  so she ended up suffering in silence fearing that she would upset us, I feel so broken and lost without her and the only thing I seem to constantly think about is the horrendous suffering she went through, I tried so hard to help but don’t feel like I did enough for her although everyone disagrees and says I’m beating myself up as I was there everyday but I just can’t help these strong feeling of guilt.

i miss her so much but the only memories I seem to think about are her final months from diagnosis to when she died and it’s causing me so much pain that it’s haunting me and I don’t know what to do, it’s almost like I’m having flashbacks, when she passed I did not cry and carried on as normal for my daughter and I think I’ve blocked everything and caused myself more problems by doing so because it keeps popping back into my mind randomly. Seeing and caring for someone you love with cancer is the worst thing ever and those feeling of hopelessness are so painful, everybody just expects you to be over it now and life goes on but I feel like it’s only just hit me now after 9 months and I have nobody who understands what I’m going through and I feel so lost.

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

11 Mar 2019 11:56 in response to Josiexxx

Hi Josie...

Bless ya ... it looks like your heartbroken ... and loosing a parent is the second hardest thing we have to go through in our lives ...

Now, your not alone ... so many feel they need to not "talk about it" it's not your fault .. it's your brain trying not to face the future ... it's like if it's not talked about it won't happen ... you were all trying to be brave for everyone else ... but the reality is, that leaves things unsaid and deep regret ... but you did at the time, the only thing you could do ...

If i were you I'd write her a letter and tell her all what's in your heart ... it isn't an easy thing to do ... but when you've written it, go to a safe place and burn it ... I believe that is the post box to heaven .... 

I bet your mum's looking down, and her heart aches to see you feeling guilty ... l bet she'd say .. it's o.k .. and I bet she's proud of you ... we all have regrets ... we all wish we could turn the clock back ... 

I have one son who doesn't want to be with me .. and I've tried many times to reach out .. my worst fear is if this cancer takes me, I'm so scared he'll feel guilty too ... nothing he ever does or says could change my love for him ... and if I hold no bad feelings, I'm sure your mum would be the same .. l still believe in miricals ...

Cancer wants us to only remember those last days .. it wants to consume your mind till that's all you can see ... it wants to make everyone a victim ... but you know as someone with cancer ... cancer doesn't own our mind even when it takes our body ... I am not cancer .. your mum is not cancer ... she's the mum you had before cancer touched her .. the one who held you when you were born ... the one who took you to school .. the one who watched you grow up, to be her daughter and her friend ..

Every time those last days creep in .. remember the funniest best memory you have of her ... relieve it slowly in your head remember every word .. how it made you feel ... over and over till it pushes the bad memories away ... and remember she's still with you, tucked up safely in your heart ... you are half of her .. she will see through your eyes ... your mum's already forgiven unsaid things .. now its time you forgive your self ...

Don't cry because you loose someone .. smile because you were blessed to have had them in your life .. and once you start remembering the good memories ... you'll be sticking two fingers up to cancer ... that's what I do ... don't let it take those wonderful memories away ... 

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie...

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

11 Mar 2019 12:40 in response to Chriss

Thankyou for your lovely reply, so sorry to hear about your cancer, sending lots of love your way and hope your  feeling ok. Feel really bad being so upset today and hearing your reply has been a big help to remind me to be strong. My mum had a similar problem with my sister who did not come and see her though her battle with cancer and what your saying is true because no matter how upset I was about it my mum understood and still loved her the same, it too worried me that my sister would end up feeling the worst guilt but you can’t control other people’s reactions I suppose. You sound like a very strong woman and I hope you are okay and have a good support system around you, your kind words have been very helpful and I Thankyou for your response and hope you beat this horrendous disease. 

Lots of love and hugs

joanne.

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

11 Mar 2019 22:35 in response to Josiexxx

Hi Josiexxx,

im sooo sorry to hear about your mum, by the sounds of it, she was very special to you and you adored her.

I completely understand what your going through, I lost my dad to small cell lung cancer in December and it’s been very hard, he was my best friend and we were like two peas in a pod. Seeing someone you love die from cancer is something I will never forgot, the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. My dad never complained and even close to the end, he was still asking about when he could get his next chemo. He tried everything they offered, he just wasn’t ready to go and I think that’s what makes it sooo much harder, he was a complete fighter til the very end. People who haven’t gone through this expect us to go back to normal after a couple of weeks, I miss my dad every day, he’s the last thing I think about before I sleep and the first thing I think about in the morning. I still feel like I’ll walk into the house and see him sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea, I used to rush home from work so we’d have tea together and out of routine I still rush home, but he’s not there waiting for me. Luckily, my job allowed me time off to spend with my dad as work got too much for me, so I got to spend 2 1/2 months with me dad from morning til night.

the best thing I can suggest is to do something to honour your moms memory, for me I choose to follow my dads love of music and have began guitar lessons, playing with my dads first guitar, I know he would Be proud but it’s tough not having him there to cheer me on or to teach me a few tricks of the trade.

buttt... music is great for the head and I plan on doing things in the future that will honour his memory and connect us still after his death. 

 

Nikkib23

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

11 Mar 2019 23:58 in response to nikkib23

your lovely dad sounds just like my mum did, really didn’t want to leave us but had no choice due to the cancer they both had, I’m so devastated and I’m so sorry that your going through the same thing as I am. It’s very traumatising but hopefully your music will get you through this sad time and your dad Will be looking down on you just like I believe my mum does on me, guiding you through this crappy situation, Thank you for your comment it really means a lot to me.xxx 

 

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

12 Mar 2019 00:43 in response to Josiexxx

Hi Josie 

I'm sorry that you lost your mum  

I lost my mum on Saturday evening and I'm devastated and I cant cope and it doesn't feel real i miss her so much and i dont know what I'm going to do with out her in my life she was my best friend

She had breast cancer 9 years ago got to the 5th year and had a year without anything and 3 years ago she got diagnosed with bone cancer and she was fighting and didnt look like she was I'll and last year near Christmas she started to become really I'll losing her balance falling over and no appetite. She went into dorthory house was suppose to be rest bite but she went down hill very quickly and lost her fight Saturday I was there when she passed and I cant get over seeing her having her last breath

It is so hard seeing the person you love suffering and cant help them I completely understand 

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

12 Mar 2019 12:08 in response to Nicky_90

Hi Nicky_90

so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is the worst thing ever and what your going through now is so raw and surreal, sending you lots of love. It saddens me that so many people have just lost there mum and are in the same situation. It’s so unfair and makes you wonder what life is actually all about, I too was there’s when my mum took her last breath and in a way I am glad that I was there with her but it will forever be in my mind and as you know it is such a shock to the system. Hope you find the strength to get through this sad time, sending you and your family all my love, take care. Xxx

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

12 Mar 2019 17:08 in response to Josiexxx

 

Hi Joanne,

I just want to add my condolences on the loss of your mum.

I cannot add anything to what Chrissie and Nikki have so eloquently said.

I lost my mum 21 years ago to secondary breast cancer and just wanted to assure you that this awful picture of her suffering at the end will gradually be overruled by memories of happier times, but you have to work on this over time to get this to happen.

You will never forget your mum, you will always hold her deep in your heart. By the sounds of things you did all you could at the time, so there's no need to feel guilty. Don't worry about feeling so low at present. It sounds as if you managed to stay strong for your daughter at the time and, it is only really beginning to hit you now. Have you considered considered seeking counselling? You are by no means too late to do this.

Have you got a good photo of your mum in happier times that you could place in a prominent position? It may sound daft, but I did this with my mum and, found myself talking to her photo from time to time. I have found this to be of great solace over the years.

I am thinking of you and hope that you begin to feel better soon. We all take our own time in dealing with grief.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

12 Mar 2019 21:15 in response to Jolamine

Thank you for you kind words Jolamine,

You are so right i do feel like I am only now starting to grieve and feel so bad as I need to be strong for my daughter, my poor little girl has been asking for her nanny a lot lately and it’s so upsetting for the both of us but as she is so young it is so hard for her to understand and except that she has gone forever and this hurts so much, I keep reminding myself that times a healer but right now it’s so hard dealing with all my suppressed grief it is so nice to e able to come on here and have people who understand and Sympathisers with what I have experienced, Thankyou so much for your kind word and advice, I am so grateful.

josie xxx

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

12 Mar 2019 22:58 in response to Josiexxx

 

Hi Josie,

What age is your daughter? I hope that you can talk to her openly about her Nanny. When you're able. Try to look through some photos with her. Talk about happier times with her.

It can be difficult to help young children with the death of a loved one. Perhaps seeing a counsellor might help you with this? Many cancer charities offer these services free of charge. There can be a long waiting list for these services, so, if you want to avail of them, get your name down soon. Your GP should also be able to point you in the direction of local services.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx 

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

14 Mar 2019 12:20 in response to Josiexxx

Hi Josie,

So sorry to hear about your mum. My story is extremely similar to yours. My mam passed on 11th Feb 2019 after losing her battle against small cell lung cancer. She was diagnosed out of the blue in November 2018 due to passing out whilst stationary in the car and taken to A&E. She would not talk about it as she didn't want to burden us. She had a short spell in hospital in January and was told they could do no more for her so we brought her home and looked after her in her final week. I too am constantly thinking about her final weeks and the grim few days and day she passed. I feel like it is not real and can't get my head around the fact I will never see her or be able to speak to her again. Then to top the lot I have a really bad flare of my Rheaumatoid arthritis due to the stress, which is getting me down even more. It has only been a month since mam passed but I am finding it so hard. Has anyone done grief counselling and does it work ?

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

14 Mar 2019 13:13 in response to JaneHH

 

Hi Jane,

I am so sorry to hear about your mam's passing and I offer my sincere condolences. It is not at all unusual to find it difficult to let go of the image of her in her final weeks. This is always very distressing.With the passage of time you will begin to remeber happier times and better memories will come to the fore.

I lost my mum to cancer 21 years ago and I still miss her every day. In the past 4 months I have also lost my parents-in-law, who were like parents to me. My father-in-law's funeral was on 8th February. He died within 6 days of diagnosis and, we are all still reeling at the speed with which he went.

Losing your mam is never easy. You will hear something and think 'oh I must tell mam about that' and then suddenly, you're brought down to earth by the fact that she is no longer here to tell. I have kept a picture of my mum in a prominent place and, especially in the early days, I would talk to her photo instead. This may sound daft, but I have had great solace from that over the years. We still have our one-way conversations, but they are less frequent these days than they were at the beginning.

I haven't done grief counselling myself, but know of people who have been helped by it. There's really no reason why you can't try it. It will leave you no worse off. You will either find it helpful or not. If you don't you will be no worse off than you are at present. I tried it when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and, found it really painful to bare my soul to a stranger. I thought that my first session was disasterous, but it did work for me, now that I look back on it. It seems so much easier if you click with the counsellor.

Do you have family and friends to support you through your grief? It helps so much to be able to talk to them about your mam.

I do hope that you can try counselling and, that you find it works for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

 

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

14 Mar 2019 22:39 in response to JaneHH

Hi Jane, 

Im so sorry for your loss, it’s absolutely horrendous isn’t it? That was my first experience seeing someone die from cancer and the cancer our mums both had was a very aggressive one, it’s still early days for both of us but yours is still only 1 month, it’s so traumatising what you have just been through, I’m deeply sorry for you and your family and hope your rheumatoid arthritis gets better, that was something my mum suffered with and I remember the pain she used to constantly be in with it, hope you start to feel better soon, take care, all my love Josie xxxx

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

14 Mar 2019 22:42 in response to Jolamine

Thank you Jolamine, my little girl is 3 so it’s such a difficult age but I’ve been honest and open with her and yet she still can’t understand why she can’t see or hug her nanny, it’s such a shame but that’s life I suppose, Thankyou for your kind words of support.

Josie xxx

Re: My mum has died from lung cancer and I’m heartbroken

14 Mar 2019 23:40 in response to Josiexxx

 

Hi Josie,

It is difficult to try and explain to a 3 year old why her nanny is no longer here., but it is also amazing how matter of fact they can be.  Could you start looking for the brightest star in the sky for example? Many children can accept something like this.

Counsellors are also good at exlaining death to children. Do you have a Maggie's centre nearby. They have people who could help both you and you daughter in the situation you find yourselves in. Your GP could possibly also recommend other people locally who could help you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx