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My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 07:38

I thought I was doing ok, but it finally hit me yesterday after weeks of numbness, feeling like a zombie...

My dear Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2016 and passed away in October 2017. Her cancer has spread to her brain, and seeing her gradually lose her abilities until she could no longer walk, talk or eat was heartbreaking. She never complained once. 

I miss calling her to have a chat. I miss her laughter and our silly jokes. She has left such a gap in my life, in my children's life. Christmas went ok, we went through it. My husband is such a rock.

I think I was in denial. I have been so angry as well. Bitter even, which I hate. I don't like chit chat anymore. Losing someone is so isolating. Friends avoiding you as they don't know what to say. 

I feel totally lost and so lonely, even when I have people around me. It's true what they say, that you have to go through it to understand.

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 09:37 in response to Chloe2008

Hi there close... just want to send you as hug as you know nothing can make that pain go away,  l think it's the 2ed hardest thing that happens to us, the only pain worse is loosing a child ... my mum was my best buddy, and the best nanny to my kids you could wish for .. 28 years down the line, you gradually learn to live without them but you never stop missing them ... it's the price we pay for being blessed to have amazing mum's in our life ....

I really believe they watch over us, we just can't see them ... friends avoid it, coz they care enough to be worried what they say, maybe wrong esp if they hadn't been through it, when all they need to say, is thinking of you,  ... and feelings like anger etc is all part of grieving ... but what I can do, is send you a virtual hug, take care of your heart, Chrissie x

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 11:21 in response to Chloe2008

Hi Chloe- I'm in similar situ situation. How old are you and how old was your mum? My mother was 63 diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died within 18 months. She was actually almost herself until the last few weeks, which was in some ways a blessing, but made her passing a sock even though we knew it was coming. Basically the pain became acute and the pain relief drugs killed her. My niece and nephew miss hier, but now 8 weeks on I miss her more than I believed possible. My wee boy too young to register it. It just kinda feels that any innocence that comes from not facing mortality is gone. I am only clining onto the fact that I have been lucky not to face this till the age of 34. Luckier than a lot of folk. But it doesnt take the 'missing my mum' part away  nalkate xx

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 12:33 in response to Chloe2008

I'm sorry. I wonder if I'm feeling the way you described? Like s zombie. Lost my dear mother two days ago. Its so odd knowing she isn't here. I still talk to her. Say hi. Tell her I love her, miss her. I think she is looking down on me. I saw her last night in a dream and woke up with a bittersweet feeling. Hopefully with time the pain and wonder and missing her will ease. Bit i will never forget her. If not for her I would not be me. I'll carry her with me until my last breath. I'm sorry your going through this. I keep thinking if we can make it through this and keep going, then there is nothing in the world that can stop us. One day at a time. One foot forward. 

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 14:47 in response to Chriss

Thank you very much for your kind words Chrissie, they mean a lot. Xx

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 15:07 in response to nalkate

Hi Nalkate, I am so sorry for your loss. I am 46 and my mum was 67. The cancer slowly affected her brain so she had moments of clarity followed by a confused state of mind. She was bedridden for the last 6 months. I also try to look on the "bright" side and be grateful for the good times. It's just the huge void my mum left. My son (8), broke down this morning because he missed her. My 5 year-old has become really agressive and keeps drawing pictures of his granny asking her to come back. And my 12 year-old daughter has become rather quiet. Our whole family dynamic has changed forever. Xx

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 15:24 in response to Jbj1986

Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss. I think it's such a shock and such a huge thing to comprehend that the only way to function in the first few days, weeks, months is to be like a zombie. My memory has gone and I have been living in this fog that doesn't lift. I also saw my mum in a dream a few days after she died. Lovely and sad at the same time. Well done for coming on this forum. It took me a while to start talking about it. As you say, one day at a time. Sending you huge hugs. Xxx

Re: My Mum has died

13 Jan 2018 21:24 in response to Chloe2008

I'm really sorry to read about the impact your mum passing away is having on your children Chloe. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you all but I just wanted to stop by and let you know that cruse bereavement have a section on their website dedicated to children that may help. Just click here to find out more.

I know it's not much but I hope it can be of some help to you and your family at this time.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Re: My Mum has died

14 Jan 2018 16:27 in response to Chloe2008
Hi Chloe, Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour March 2016, she passed away July 2016, and I think I felt so numb so such a long time and have spent so long helping others In my family to grieve that I haven’t done it myself. My mum left a massive hole in my life the day she went..I have 2 children and it really hit my 12 year old. I spent so much time getting him through it all that I hadn’t let myself grieve. I cared for my mum the whole way through I saw her ups and downs, and much like your mum she never complained once..I watched her disappear before my eyes, one day she was walking the next she wasn’t, then she was bed bound and gradually lost the ability to swallow.. and then she eventually went into a coma. It has been 18 months and I have only just started to really grieve myself.. so please if you need to grieve then do.. I seemed to have left it so long myself.. and much like you.. I’ve turned into half the person I was before she died, I’ve lost my spark.. I don’t really stop to talk to my friends anymore when I go to collect my son from school.. I don’t want to really go out.. and feel so alone.. So please don’t think you are alone, there are so many of us that are going through the same thing, and it’s not only grieving for our mums, but dealing with the trauma that has scolded us seeing them passing away before our eyes and nothing we can do or have done done but made them comfortable. Xx

Re: My Mum has died

16 Jan 2018 06:19 in response to Kaz.b

Hi Kaz,

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. 

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Like you, I have lost my spark. I'm not the same person, and struggle with social events. Seeing people I haven't seen for a while is stressful as they expect me to be the same and I can't be the old me. 

I don't know what to do other than hope it will get slightly easier with time, and be grateful that Mum is not stuck in that hospital bed any longer. 

Thanks Kaz. 

Take care


Re: My Mum has died

30 Apr 2018 21:52 in response to nalkate
Hi, I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer too 4 weeks ago. And she died in the same way. My son was 4 weeks old but I am so glad that she got to meet him. She was in my dream last night and I woke up thinking she was alive and today I keep feeling like I could have done more to help her or look after her in her final weeks. I hope you and your family are ok.

Re: My Mum has died

8 May 2018 22:58 in response to Chloe2008

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

In some ways I can relate to what you have put. I know friends find it hard to talk to you and they always do try and fight the right words to say, but there isn't any words to say. But at the same time you just don't want to feel alone. That's what I'm sceard of being alone when my mum dies. I know my mum says when she goes these people who will be there for me but it's not the same as your mum. Mum's always know what to say because they you inside and out. How do you adjust to the little things that become the big things like your mum jokeing  laughing picking up the phone just dropping by for a coffee. How do you get by each day. I don't want to adjust we shouldn't of had adjust full stop our mums should be here with us. I just have a heavy heart atm. It feels like it will never heal. 

How did you cope with the feelings as they came along, how are you know and dealing and comming to terms with everything.