Together we will beat cancer


My mum age 56

23 Nov 2022 16:51

My lovely mum passed away just over a month ago. She was diagnosed in June with stage 4 gallbladder cancer. It wasn't treatable. She went from being fit and health to detioriorating so quickly. I stayed with her for the last month and cared for her. I just wasn't ready for her to pass away so soon. The last night we had as normal there was no clue. She didn't say she felt any different, she didn't look any different. But we went to sleep as normal on a Wednesday night and she never really woke up after that. Brief minutes only. I miss her so much. Why didn't I know? I can't sleep, I'm not really eating. I don't think it's fully sunk in yet either. Why did she die? Did her body just shut down? Would she have known what was coming? 

My mum age 56

23 Nov 2022 20:56 in response to superbecks

Hello superbecks,

I'm so sorry to hear this and sending you condolences on behalf of everyone at Cancer Chat. Your mum sounds like a lovely person and I can understand how you're feeling and what a difficult this has been. If it ever feels overwhelming, please know that you're alone and there is support out there.

If you need to speak to someone, the Cruse Bereavement helpline is 0808 808 1677 and the forum is always here for you whenever you need it.

All the best to you,

Moderator Anastasia

My mum age 56

25 Nov 2022 09:41 in response to superbecks

Hi there. I'm in a similar situation. My mum was fine till sept, when the dr thought she had gastric issues. At the end of sept she collapsed and was taken to A&E, where they told us she had advanced bowel cancer that had gone into her liver. Within 4 weeks she was dead & although it's a week today since her funeral I just can't get my head round it. She was SO fit and healthy, always did her bowel cancer tests, didn't drink or smoke, exercised regularly etc. I don't understand how she deteriorated so quickly. She didn't even get any palliative care, and it was all on us. She spent her last week in hospital and we were with her when she passed, but I still can't accept it. She died in huge discomfort. 

The only consolation I can offer is that when the body dies, its senses gradually shut down - hearing is apparently the last to go. I doubt your mum suffered in the last period, but I'm sure she knew you were there. You've gone through something huge and it's very difficult to accept, especially when it's been so fast. My dr has referred me for bereavement counselling, which I agree with. I have my first session on 6th December - it might be worth considering doing something similar if you can? I've no idea if it's going to help me, but I really hope it does. It's destroyed my dad's life too as they were soul mates. I'm trying to support him too whilst grieving myself so it's very tough. Don't torture yourself about not knowing - nobody can really say for definite when the time comes, only the body. She went to sleep and didn't really wake up, which is very similar to my mum. I just wish mine hadn't had the huge discomfort before she passed. I'm glad she went to sleep though and gradually slipped away. It feels a little more peaceful at least.

Sending  you lots of love. It's bloody awful. 

My mum age 56

25 Nov 2022 20:08 in response to superbecks

Hello superbecks,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. The questions you are asking are ones that I have asked myself since my lovely dad passed away.

My dad was a very fit and active 70 year old man, he had throat cancer in 2020 and we thought he was cured and he had come through it.

In April my dad developed back pain which we thought was sciatica. It didn't get better and on 15th September my dad had an MRI scan and we were told it showed metestatic cancer to the bones. Our world was blown apart in that very moment but I had no idea what was to come.

I moved straight back in with my parents to provide support, however, my dad quickly deteriorated after being told this news and he needed a lot of care.

There was a hospital admission in the middle of October then at the end of October he seemed to improve and he came home. We had hope once again, then less than two weeks later dad stopped eating and drinking and became confused.

The GP arranged for dad to go to hospice to sort out meds and confusion but he never came round or came home. My dad had no cancer in his organs or brain and there was nothing in his blood test to suggest a reason for the confusion. 

My dad was admitted to hospice on the Friday and didn't come round,  he passed away 3 days later. I have no idea why or how his body just shut down or why he didn't come around.  I also don't understand why my dad deteriorated so quickly after getting the news of diagnosis and how he passed away just 8 weeks later. Two months earlier we had been on holiday together and he seemed fine.

I feel guilty that I didn't know what was coming and I didn't prepear him for it and I feel guilty that I had false hope that we would have more time together. I feel so tormented by these thoughts and questions.

I love and miss my dad so much. He was my best friend and the person I love most in this world. I am lost without him and feel that he was just been taken in the blink of an eye. 

I can't offer any advice but I relate to your questions and post.