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My life has no meaning anymore

17 May 2017 23:57

Hi. I've never posted before but I don't know what to do since my husband died 6 weeks ago. Life feels pointless and has no meaning anymore. He fought bladder cancer for nearly a year but the end came so quickly and took us by surprise. I have two wonderful daughters, one granddaughter and a grandson due in September but I'm not feeling any excitement for life or the new baby coming. I try to put on a good show, I get out of bed everyday and function as I think everybody expects me too but really I can barely function at all. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2013 and has a recurrence in 2015 and all I can focus on is my cancer coming back again so I can be with my husband again. I know how awful and selfish it sounds (and is) but how do I go on without my husband when I feel that there will never be any joy in my life again.

Sorry for the long post, even I can see how sorry I feel for myself when I read it but how do you go on when things feel so bleak.

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

18 May 2017 01:03 in response to Barleydog

Hello Barleydog,

I am sorry to hear of your loss and your continuing struggles. I think what you are feeling is totally normal and not unexpected.  I don't know how to tell you to move forward when it seems so overwhelming. I have been in therapy since my cervical cancer diagnosis in 2012, I couldn't have made it without. It has helped me function.  You should consider seeing a professional and talking through your issues, even if it feels pointless. I'll be praying for you and I am here if you need to talk.



Re: My life has no meaning anymore

18 May 2017 03:52 in response to Barleydog

Hi, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. What your feeling is what a lot of us here are or have felt at one time or another as were all dealing with cancer or a loss of a family member or friend. It's terrible you have to deal with cancer after losing your husband. That really stinks. What your feeling is completely normal wanting to be with your husband. Ask yourself though would he want your cancer to come back so you could be with him or would he want you to continue living so your girls still have one parent there for them. Imagine the grief your daughters will have to endure if your gone. They need there mother and the granddaughter needs her grandmother. Not to mention the new one on the way. They say when a baby is born that family that has passed is there to meet the babys soul just before there born. Your husband will be there when your grandson is born spiritually so make sure your there for that special moment. Your husband will be with you. I believe there's no stronger connection with family that has passed then on the day a baby is born in to the world. They say that family that has passed sees the babys soul just before there born. I don't know your take on this but it is what life is all about. It is such a powerful feeling to be in that room during a babys birth. It's a miracle. Think about it. If it was not for you and your husband that baby would never be. Believe me when I say this, your husband will be there when your grandson is born and he would want you to be there in your physical form. After all both of you made your daughters and now there using what you both passed down to them to bring a new life in to this world. After all it's a piece of you and your husband being born. I truly believe that's what it's all about. Having children that have children. Were passing ourselves on through those babys. I also wanted to say that being negative is what cancer feeds on but I'm sure you know that. You have every right to want to join him and your not alone. We all feel that way when we loose someone close to us. Just try to remember the good things you still need to be here for. It helps to talk on here or maybe you might want to find someone to talk to in person but one thing is for sue and that's don't let it bottle up. It will become to over powering to deal with and you have cancer to deal with so you don't need to have things bottled up. Talk, Talk, Talk.........It helps. Your loved buy the family you have so don't forget that. They need there mother and the kids will need a grandmother. I hope this helped. I have been through similar things and it all works out in the end but you need to keep fighting and please don't wish cancer back on yourself. Don't feed it. It claims to many of us so get up take a deep breath and start living. Your husband would have wanted that I'm sure. Also make sure your in that room when the baby is born. You will feel your husband there with you. Take care of yourself and I will say a prayer for you. Best wishes to you and your family.......................................................... Adam W.

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

19 May 2017 20:21 in response to LauraP

Hi Laura. Thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear that you also have cc, can I ask what stage you were when diagnosed. I was 1b1 and has a radical hysterectomy, I struggled after that and had some help from my Mac nurse which helped. No one thought it would come back, but it did in 2015 and I had chemoradiation to my pelvis and para aortic nodes. My husband was my rock but even though the scans showed no remaining disease I couldn't get cancer out of my head. Every ache or pain and I thought it was back but once my husband was diagnosed I didn't think or worry about myself and focused on him; it was as if someone had flicked a switch. I have been thinking that I need some help but thought it might be too early and maybe I should wait to see how I cope for a while longer? 

How are you doing now?

Prayers, Sue

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

19 May 2017 20:53 in response to woody1231

Hi Adam. Thank you so much for your reply. I actually read it yesterday but couldn't reply as it had such a profound effect on me. I hadn't heard about those passed seeing a baby's soul but I do believe my husband is with me. I have experienced many strange things since he died and I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to share a couple of those with you...

I talk to my husband all the time and the night before the funeral I asked him to help me to get through it. My youngest daughter had set two alarms for the morning of the funeral, one of which was a rechargeable digital radio, this was fully charged but not plugged in. This alarm didn't go off and when she looked at it the time was stuck on 6.20 which is the time that he died. We were unable to do anything with the radio, we coudnt even turn it off and had to wait until it ran out of charge. Once that happened we recharged it turned it back on and it has been fine since. I can't think of a rational explanation for this and thinking about it did help me get through the day.

My granddaughter is three and misses her grandpa very much, she talks about him a lot which we encourage but after she had been saying she wasn't going to see him again and that she really wanted to see him again I asked him if he could help her. The next day my daughter could hear her in her playhouse in the garden talking to someone and didn't think anything of it until she came into the house and said grandpa was in her playhouse and was living there. This could easily be explained as a coincidence and a child's imagination but I don't like coincidences and who knows?

I hope you don't mind me sharing this with and thank you for your kind words.

Best wishes to you and your loved ones. Sue


Re: My life has no meaning anymore

20 May 2017 02:28 in response to Barleydog

Hi Sue,

I don't think you should wait to talk to someone, but that is up to you, of course. I waited so long and let my anxieties control me. I had all scary aches and pains, still do sometimes.  But, having a logical,  professional person to  talk through my fears has helped me put things in perspective. Our bodies will  gurgle, cramp and ache once in a while, doesn't mean it is cancer. And you have had so much pain and have struggled, it would probably be a relief to let it out to someone.

I was diagnosed in Nov. 2012 with stage 2A cervical cancer. I was unable to have surgery due to a bleeding event caused by the cancer and I almost died. 10 days in the hospital; started chemo and radiation while still in there  to stop the bleeding. Doctors decided not to pursue surgery because of the blood loss and because of the internal radiation. I guess it could complicate things if my "parts" are stuck together as a result of it. But, I am doing well now, have a follow up appointment coming up in June.

I hope you continue to post and talk with me and others, it helps. Someone reading your story may be inspired to reach out to help others or get help for themselves!  Give your experiences a good purpose, it is healing.

Talk soon?


p.s. I also wanted to mention that I don't know why I chose your post to read the other day,  something just drew me to it. I wasn't surprised to read about your cervical cancer.  It seems that happens on this website and in my life. The first visit to a new dentist and the dental assistant had just that day found out she had cervical cancer!! What are the chances she'd get me as a patient.  I was able to talk to her and comfort her.  The office staff were amazed. Happy It gives me purpose.

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

20 May 2017 06:45 in response to Barleydog

Hi. I wanted to say that I don't think you should wait to talk to someone. I think you should get someone lined up right away. Trust me it helps. The sooner you start the sooner you get better. I see a head doctor every 2 months and it really helps me out a ton. I was diagnosed with stage 3 Lymphoma B cell a year ago and after 6 months of chemo treatments it's in remission. I get treatments (Rituxan & steroids) every 2 months for the nxt 18 months and the first 2 weeks after each treatment is very hard on me but I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I have 2 sons. 1 is 18 and the other is 11. The 11 year old really does not understand other then I'm going to die young. I try to comfort him by letting him know I will be here for him for a long time. Then I go find a quiet place like my bedroom and cry. It breaks my heart I wont be here when he gets older. But for now I do everything I can to make sure we spend time together as much as we can. I am only 48 and been married for 28 years to my high school sweetheart. We are just making the best of it and we moved on and just live life like we were before I was diagnosed because it's the easiest way to move on for now. I am a spiritual person and have plenty of stories I could share when family or friends have passed the strange events that have happen to me and sometimes my family. I really do believe that when the baby is born your husbands soul will be the first one to meet the babys soul before he's born. You can research it on line if you want. Tons of people believe this is the closest we get to loved ones that have passed on. Being in that room when a baby is born. Remember it's a piece of the 2 of you in that room being born. When my youngest son was born I felt my grandmother pass through the room. When she died earlier that year I felt her pass through me before I was even told she had died. I called my mother and told her what had happened. A day later my mom called and told me my grandmother died the day before and she was speechless because I had called her and told her grandmas soul passed through me and I new she had died but it took her a day to figure out she actually had died and she was in shock. There's no lie. It's not going to be easy but you need to move on and be here for the family you still have and FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT the cancer that you have or when it resurfaces again. You have to much to live for right now and it would be very selfish of you if you left your kids before your time. What your feeling is totally normal and it will be tough but you will make it because your a fighter. Also I wanted to say it sounds like your husband is already contacting you from the other side. I will say a prayer for you and I hope you get the help you need. Happy wishes to you and your beautiful family. Take care of yourself...................Adam W.

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

23 May 2017 20:14 in response to woody1231

Thank you Adam.

You've had a very difficult time but it sounds like you have a very supportive family behind you helping you every step of the way. I hope you don't mind me asking, but has your oncologist told you that your cancer is incurable. That probably sounds like a silly question as you say you're stage 3 but lots of people have years in remission when they are diagnosed at stage 3 or 4 which gives time for new treatments and advances in immunotherapy and targeted therapies. I hope your remission is long lasting! 


Re: My life has no meaning anymore

23 May 2017 20:32 in response to LauraP

Hi Laura

I'm not surprised that you clicked on my post, it's difficult to explain why but sometimes we are drawn to people that we can help. The strangest thing is that I was at the dentist back in January and my dental nurse was a cervical cancer survivor, she'd just had a 5 years clear party! It helped to talk to someone who was 5 years clear. How strange tho.

How are you doing? My next check up is June 13th and I'm usually terrified but this time I'm not bothered, I'm more worried about confronting memories of my husband there or bumping into his oncologist who we got to know quite well - he sent me a lovely letter but I'm not ready to chat to him. The really hard part is going without my husband and I can't face this without him. I went to a garden centre on Monday and everyone there was part of a couple, couldn't cope so I came home with nothing and lay on the settee for the rest of the day until my daughter came home from work and I put on my coping face. 

Please let me know how your check up goes.

Sue x

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

24 May 2017 02:39 in response to Barleydog


Oh my gosh! My check up is June 13th at 11 am, I am not kidding! I am not nervous about the actual appointment, the staff at the place I go to are wonderful.  I am at 4 and a half years since diagnosis I worry about the results and I hate the waiting but it is just part of my life now.  It is uncanny how our lives are parallel.

I am sorry you had a hard time at the garden centre, it must be so hard facing the world on your own now. I hope it will get easier or at least tolerable as time goes by. I think I said before, seeing a professional therapist helps me. Sometimes I still get crippled by my fears and sadness, etc..

I'll be saying a prayer for you and your family.  Let me no know how you are getting along.


Re: My life has no meaning anymore

24 May 2017 03:32 in response to LauraP

Hi Laura. It seems we are both unable to sleep too - but cancer does that. You don't live in the North East do you?


Re: My life has no meaning anymore

27 May 2017 08:17 in response to Barleydog

He has. It will eventually take my life. The average life with my type of cancer can be 19 years but I had it a couple of years before they found it and it's all ready been a year since I found out. Time sure does fly bye. They told me I will have bunches of things that I can try once it comes back and also that in 10 years he told me they could have more medications out that might buy me an extra 10 years on top of the 19 years they gave me. So far everything is working great but I know it could be back everytime I go in for a PET scan. It is what it is and I am just making the best of what I have now. The worst is getting the stupid PET scans every 6 months. I know eventually there going to say it's back so right now I'm just living life day by day trying to soak up the special times with my youngest boy and trying to make sure my family spends time together ever chance we get. I bought us Roger Water tickets for the August 18, 2017 show at Auburn hills. It should be a great time. I bought front row tickets so it should be cool. Also were traveling this summer to see my wifes dad who was diagnosed with prostate cancer the same week I was diagnosed so were going to try and spend a week with him in Washington state, USA. It's going to be a busy summer that's for sure. Also my oldest son just graduated high school today but my younger one weighs heavy on my mind. I wish we would have had him earlier but again I'm making the best of it. How are you holding out? It's very hard losing your other half and I feel for you but make the best of  the time you have left. Maybe visit somewhere you have always wanted to go or do something you thought you might never do. Take a risk and get out there and enjoy yourself. We only get one run at it so make it count. Cancer or not get up and get moving around. You take care of yourself and message me back when you get a chance. It really helps talking to folks that can relate to the same feelings I'm going through. This site has really helped me. I wanted to let you know I really appreciate you sharing with me and this site really got me out of a bad slump I was in. Thanks and take care.......................................Woody  

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

31 May 2017 20:28 in response to woody1231

Hi Woody. I totally agree, this site really does help. It sounds like you have your priorities right, spending quality time with your family and making plans - don't stop doing that! We always wanted to visit Washington State, do the West coast up to Seattle but I don't think that's a trip I could do on my own. I get what you're saying though and have been wondering whether I could take the plunge and do a river boat cruise up the Danube on my own Maybe in time.

I'm having a difficult time at the moment and I don't think it has fully sunk in; I think subconsciously I'm using my anger at my selfish self absorbed sister in law to deflect some of the pain. I have moments when I feel overwhelmed and feel a scream building inside me. I usually distract my self, maybe I should let it happen but I'm terrified of losing myself to the pain. On a positive note it's half term here in the UK this week and I'm looking after my granddaughter for three days. Tomorrow we're making chocolate crispy cakes which is always fun when she starts spreading the sprinkles and marshmallows!

What's next for your eldest son after high school? Your youngest - you're going to see him graduate high school too and grow into a young man that you are proud of! You're right about time passing so quickly and before you know it you'll have grandchildren running around and maybe you'll be making chocolate crispy cakes

Take care and stay healthy, Sue

Re: My life has no meaning anymore

7 Sep 2017 14:27 in response to Barleydog

Really sorry about your loss, i know exactly what your going through as i lost my wife to gallbladder cancer after fighting it for 16 months aged 55 in April this year we were married 38 yrs. The thing that helped me a bit was to get some counselling for grief, also think about what your husband would say while he is watching over you,he would not want you to be like that. In my experience Its like someone ripping your heart out, most days i cry, but i think its good to release the tears, you never get over it you just learn to cope a bit better as time goes on, so keep your chin up and celebrate your loved ones life. I really hope this post helps even a little bit. 

Feeling your pain.