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my husband has terminal cancer

30 Dec 2012 21:59

Hi everyone,

This is my first time doing something like this but I feel like sharing feelings with people who are going through simular situations may help me.

My name is fiona and my husband has terminal cancer. His name is shaun and he is only 30years old. We first got told his cancer wad now terminal in may 2011. We now have a 6week old beautiful baby boy and my husband started his first iv chemo 2 weeks ago.

I wish I could make him better! I try not to think about the future, as it upsets me and I need to stay strong for him and our son, but sometimes I cant help it. Most of the time I try my dam hardest to soldier through, but there are times I sneek of to the bathroom for a little cry. I never let my husband see me upset as I feel I need to be the strong one. I know he listens to me alot when I talk to him about being strong and taking each day ad it comes and that he must stay positive. He always seems better after our talks, and carries on like you would never know he is ill. So if he saw me upset I feel he would get upset and worry even more. Its so hard to see him on bad days as hes always been a happy lively sole. I wish so badly for it to be a big mistake and the hospital got it all wrong. Hes my bestest friend and the most loving daddy!

If there's anyone going through a simular situation it would be lovely to talk to you as you would understand. It feels good getting this of my chest!

Fiona

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

30 Dec 2012 22:12 in response to fifi86

Oh Fiona,

Thank you for taking this step and joining this site and also for telling us about your husbands cancer. I do feel for you and what you are both going through. You are doing what most carer's do and try and hide your feelings. It is good that at times you let yourself cry as it will release some of the stress that builds up. I am someone who had prostate cancer but who luckily made a good recovery. I have also lost three close relatives, including my mother to breast cancer so I know a little of what you are facing. You have done the right thing by joining this site for there are some lovely people on here who also are in your situation and who I feel sure will be on here to offer advice and support very soon.

Please take care, and please keep in contact with us, kind regards Brian

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

19 Jan 2013 00:52 in response to fifi86

Hi fiona.

How r things. Its been a couple of months since u posted ur comments about your husband but i too have only just joined this group. how r things? My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 41 and every day is such a battle. my family r a great support but sometimes u just want to talk to someone who really does understand.

Always around for a chat

take care

Jo

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

20 Jan 2013 08:25 in response to fifi86

Hello Fiona

Your post hit a nerve so felt I had to respond. Though somewhat older (late 50's) I too have a husband who is fighting incurable cancer and fully relate to your feelings of needing to be strong in front of the one  you love. Its not an easy journey and for your husband, as such a young man and a new Dad, it must be very emotional.  I am in full agreement with Brian's comments re the letting yourself cry (it is far too stressful to bottle up and in the long run it will help you cope).  Your husband has a wonderful reason to keep up the battle in your love and that of the new life you have both created. I readily admit I joined this wonderful forum about 7 months after my other half's devastating diagnosis and strongly believe the help from my virtual strangers is helping me cope with what the cancer journey is throwing at us.  Cry? you bet I have (both with and without my husband being there) but one thing we promised each other was time for laughter (we do) and during this journey (thankfully we have no idea how long or short this will be as his type of cancer (caused by asbestos) grows at different rates) we are learning all the time how to adjust what and when we can do things.  Our two adult children, their partners and our 4yr old grandson are sharing our journey and making our world a better place.

This forum is a great place to share your good and bad times and you will always find someone out there who understands exactly what you are feeling so welcome to the supporting community and hope you find it as helpful as I have.   Best wishes to you all. Jules54

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

23 Feb 2013 21:10 in response to fifi86

Fiona and others, found this site after punching in something about coping while husband has terminal cancer.  My long-term husband diagnosed end of Aug -- esophageal, stage 4.  He went way down in weight, energy, etc., and I went down with him (emotionally).  I stopped eating, tried to do mechanical things because I couldn't think, and my dreams were all nightmares.  Then he started chemo (and herceptin -- he's her2 positive for those who know what that means), and he's back almost normal.  In fact, people keep thinking he's fine from his appearance.   But after progress with lessening of his tumor and mets, learned yesterday of a new lymph node and I just fell apart all over again.  As if I've been in a dream that it's not real -- because it seemed we were on a positive trajectory, and he was going to get and stay better (though that's not what the docs say about Stage 4)  I just can't picture how I will ever even live in this house we've lived in together for decades or do anything we've ever done together -- can't picture caring ever again about anything much other than my young adult sons.  I try not to cry in front of him -- but at times like now, I do some, and I'm a zombie, going through the motions.  I know I'll rally again, but right now I just can't picture how.  It's like getting kicked in the stomach, you can't breathe.  So was thinkning about/marveling at all the people, women mostly, I've known who've lost their long-term spouses and I wonder how did they keep on?  Were they just stronger?  Happier? And to think I've always felt somewhat independent.

Anyway, Fiona, others, perhaps you can relate -- or if you have the key to carrying on, would love for you to share it because I don't know where it is.

Dee

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

24 Feb 2013 00:09 in response to dee200022

I was diagnoised with breast cancer that was her2positive in stage 3 breast cancer at 37 was not given the best of results as a mother of kids I was worried but my cancer was near on destroyed by chemo so keep hope and the her2 positive means it is hormone based ! Don't give up I was given a very poor chance but all my doctors cannot believe the way my cancer has reduced and remember laugh, ihave this is the best medicine my hair is now growing back but I have lost my nails and it is so itchy but I can't bloody itch it lol don't give up hope

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

24 Feb 2013 17:11 in response to fifi86

Hi fifi

Congratulation on the birth of your baby. I was 37 when they told me i had cancer and i jumped straight in at stage 4.My next birthday i will be 41.Sadly i have not yet found a magic cure  (I would also like to find the key) but chemo can buy you time

.I have been in and out of hospital like a yoyo over the last 10 or so years .In some ways my daughter was my best medicine she was a baby when my health really took a nose dive.I did not think i would make her second birthday but now she is nine.It is the best possiable motivation to take it a day at a time and concentrate on what you do have not the way you wish things were.I do not want to make it sound like i always manage this because frankly i would be lying its just that having a child and chronic ill health does concentrate the mind.

The thing that took me and my husband a long time to understand is that bothof us  doing what we think is best for the other person, without actually talking to them about what they want is not a good idea.Best intentions are not enough-you need to talk to each other and you are both allowed to be upset because it is upseting but you will still have good things in your life like your lovely baby.I used to put a lot of effort in getting as close to normal as i could get.Of course that is a hiding to nothing because you cannot die young and live normally at the same time.However i can honestly say there were lots of good things in my life as well as grim health stuff.

Good luck

emma

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

28 Feb 2013 17:14 in response to fifi86

fifi86 wrote:

Hi everyone,

This is my first time doing something like this but I feel like sharing feelings with people who are going through simular situations may help me.

My name is fiona and my husband has terminal cancer. His name is shaun and he is only 30years old. We first got told his cancer wad now terminal in may 2011. We now have a 6week old beautiful baby boy and my husband started his first iv chemo 2 weeks ago.

I wish I could make him better! I try not to think about the future, as it upsets me and I need to stay strong for him and our son, but sometimes I cant help it. Most of the time I try my dam hardest to soldier through, but there are times I sneek of to the bathroom for a little cry. I never let my husband see me upset as I feel I need to be the strong one. I know he listens to me alot when I talk to him about being strong and taking each day ad it comes and that he must stay positive. He always seems better after our talks, and carries on like you would never know he is ill. So if he saw me upset I feel he would get upset and worry even more. Its so hard to see him on bad days as hes always been a happy lively sole. I wish so badly for it to be a big mistake and the hospital got it all wrong. Hes my bestest friend and the most loving daddy!

If there's anyone going through a simular situation it would be lovely to talk to you as you would understand. It feels good getting this of my chest!

Fiona

hi,my husband also has termanal cancer and i was looking for someone to talk to about it.My husband and I are both 62 ,so not young but not that old ,I do feel bad ,your hubby is so yopung ,have they given you a time ,I know our onoculogist at the va doesn't talk in terms of time but tries to be positive yet truthful,My husband has been in the hospital 3x since christmas -he gets infections and very low hemogloins and has no strenth ,he also caught pnemonia , I can usually talk anytime judy

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

19 Oct 2015 23:07 in response to fifi86

Hi Fiona, Your post struck a cord with me.  I too have a husband with terminal cancer and we had a son on the 21st November 2012, so probably similar age to your child.  My husband is 34 years old and was diagnosed with bowel cancer when he was 28.  The cancer has now spread to his lungs and it's inoperable.  He is on chemotherapy which wipes him out and it looks like he's lost his voice permanently due to nerve damage from the tumours in his lungs.  Reading a bed time story to our nearly three year is out of the question. Oh how I wish I could here his voice again.  Anyway after a big cry in bed, I took to the internet in seek of help with our situation and came across your post. I was compelled to write because not a lot of people our age have husband's with cancer and young children to look after, all very tiring! How are you and your husband doing? x

 

 

 

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

21 Nov 2015 21:55 in response to kezzer247

Hi. My husband is 40 years old and has advanced small bowel cancer. I'm devastated. We don't have small children which is a blessing I guess but I struggle to work out what the future will be. I can't plan anything because I have no idea how well he will be for how long. I don't know what to say or do when he's in pain and feel relieved when he can sleep. Then I feel guilty. It's the most awful time and I empathise with you completely. I usually stop my car somewhere quiet on the way to or from work to cry. I feel lost and I can't imagine how I'd cope with a little one. I pray for you all x

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

1 Mar 2016 17:49 in response to HSBarnes

Hello Fiona, was just wondering how your situation is now?, My partner has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer which has spread to his liver and lungs, I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant and we are both finding this horrendous to deal with.

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

3 Jun 2016 21:15 in response to bubby

Hi there

I am in a similar situation.

I am 19 weeks pregnant and my female partner was diagnosed with a uterine sarcoma the same day i found out i was pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant between us for 7 years and after suffering 3 miscarriages it it totally surreal that this time it has worked.

The baby is a miracle but we have been told her cancer has returned aggressively and she is currently going through chemo (which itself is pretty traumatic) and in 3 weeks we will find out if it is shrinking the tumours. If it is not then we are very scared of the prognosis.

I totally feel your fear of being pregnant and trying to deal with an unwell partner and an uncertain future.

Big hugs x

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

6 Jun 2016 22:49 in response to fifi86

My Husband has been diagnosed with agressive cancer of the protrate.  We have been going through so many lengthy processes but nothing seems to be happening.  He is now going through a full body scan to see if it has spread to any other areas.  I feel so in the dark about it all as he is in pain and I don't know how to help him.  I have to keep strong for him as he thinks everything is going to be fine.  He has always been an an active man and I can see him weakening.  It breaks my heart.  What should I do because I don't want him to see me crying (which I do when alone and also at night)  Hope someone can offeer a way I can deal with this,  My family have been very supportive so far but I don't want to worry them as they have families of their own.

 

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

21 Jun 2016 21:44 in response to fifi86

Was reading your post and it rang true to me. My husband has just been told he has pancreatic cancer. Not sure how I feel. It's all a bit surreal. Trying to hold it together for my daughter who is doing her final year of high school. My husband is very angry and full of pain and I guess remorse for not seeing the doctor sooner. It is good to read how others are coping. Will try to keep in touch as our Cancer journey  unfolds.

Re: my husband has terminal cancer

23 Jun 2016 15:09 in response to sallyb54

Hi sallybe54

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum though sorry for the reason  you have joined us.  The post you have responded to is a few years old and it may help for you to begin your own thread so that others is similar situations can add their support/welcome. Sometimes mentioning the type of cancer in the title of your post helps other 'readers' to pick up and reply.

When my husband was diagnosed I too found it hard to get my head round and this forum was a great place to visit for support during difficult days.  Hope you find it useful to keep in touch as and when you feel able.  I expect your husband will be facing various appointments to find out how you move forward. All the very best. Jules54