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My fathers cancer spread to his brain, he sadly passed away

9 Feb 2018 18:47

I am now finding myself at 26 and my father has sadly gone. I am feeling like I can almost believe it and then I just can’t. It’s so surreal.

when I last saw him properly was Christmas, he was stage 4, the cancer had spread to an adrenal gland and lymph node. I knew then when I found this out that even though we had a hope with this immunotherapy treatment he was getting, it gut feeling did not feel good. And I started grieving.

After Christmas, he seemed to just be getting worse and worse. His headaches were awful, he had bouts of confusion - one where I had to rush home to take him to the hospital because I called him and he couldn’t actually speak, he was babbling words. It was traumatising for him and me both.

A week after that he lost his hearing. It was no longer possible for me or my mother to talk to him anymore. We had to write notes on pieces of paper which he just about understood. 

A week beyond that the confusion continued, he was agitated and seemed very different and suddenly very very unwell. He was admitted to hospital for a week, and following on from MRI scans they found out he had meningitis and his lung cancer had spread to his brain, on the auditory nerve. That was on Friday.

its now the following Friday, and he is no longer here. I just cannot believe how quickly and rapidly this deterioration was. It’s just insane. 

 

As heartbreaking as it is, I feel strangely relieved that he is no longer suffering, as I feel like it could have dragged on for a long long time. He was calm and peaceful. It just pains me to not be able to have a conversation with him one last time. I wrote down ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper, about four days ago, he managed to read it and Say I love you back, and gave me a kiss. I guess i have to hold onto and cherish that moment.

So gutted to have lost my best friend. Cancer is cruel. I hope I can find the strength to cope with losing him. 

Re: My fathers cancer spread to his brain, he sadly passed away

9 Feb 2018 19:26 in response to Laurensuyin

Dear Laurensuyin,

I'm sorry for the passing of your father and the anguish you must be feeling. I hope you can find strength in the beautiful memories you have of him. I'm glad to read that you have some comfort in knowing that he isn't suffering. I hope you can find the support you need to get through this. If you need to chat, I'm here. Please reach out. *Hugs*

Re: My fathers cancer spread to his brain, he sadly passed away

9 Feb 2018 21:04 in response to Laurensuyin

Hi there ... just want to send you a hug ... how lovely you thought of writhing "l love you" down for him to read ... my mum went suddenly wit a heart attack and never got to say goodbye or love you one more time... 

If only we could have one more day ... try to keep thinking of the good times when he smiled or made you laugh ... keep picturing it in your head till it makes you smile ... that's what l do when sadness starts to overwhelm me ... and that's what I felt with my mum ... no more tablets.. no more pain .. no more heart attacks (she'd had 2 previous) no more walking sticks ... these things helped me ... and I could imagine your dad will smile down at his little girl and feel very proud ... Chrissie ❤