Hi All,
I don't really know why I'm posting on here, or what I'm looking to achieve, but just opening up in writing and getting things off my chest could be a huge help. I've always been someone to just bottle stuff up and tell everyone I'm OK, when in truth, I'm anything but.
My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in October 2018. He was only 55 and on the brink of retirement. He had the rest of the his life ahead of him. Travelling the world with my mum. Ticking things off their bucket list together. They've been married 34 years. Then, out of nowhere, he gets this diagnosis. Dreams shattered in the blink of an eye!
My dad, to me, is my best friend. A guy who has given his life for me and got me to where I am in life today. I feel like I owe him everything. Up in until recently, we, as a family, have all been doing OK. My dad has been battling on, taking each day in its stride. Chemo has finally caught up with him now though and his legs and feet are numb to the point where its affecting his walking. His two previous scan results showed that the cancer had shrank, his latest scan however showed its retaliated and gotten worse. I can finally see the affects its having on my dad. Aging skin. Tiredness. Fatigue. But most noticeably.. Muscle wastage. Its finally getting a firm grip of him and eating away at his energy sources.
Up until recently he's been so optimistic. As a Catholic family we do believe in miracles and there was the smallest part of us that believed my dad could be that miracle. We all knew the chances of surviving Pancreatic Cancer are less than 1%. But we all knew my dad could be that 1%. Sadly, it's looking unlikely, and his words to my mum today were 'I feel like I've got 2 months left to live".
I'm honestly frightened of losing him. He's been my absolute rock in my life. Always there for me through everything. From taking me to football as a boy, to being that shoulder to cry on through a relationship break up. He's always had my back.
How in earth will I cope without him? I know fine well I will never get over it. But maybe I can learn to deal with it... But how? I am petrified of this day arriving, but sadly its coming closer and closer and it just breaks my heart!!
