Hi Ellie94,

i am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know it is a very hard time for you and it is very unfair that you have lost him at such a young age.

 I lost my Dad 19 years ago, and my mum 7 years ago, and my latest bereavement is my darling husband of 43 years, and that was only 6 weeks ago. Like you I thought my husband was going to keep bouncing back, and in the end he lost his fight. Cancer is a filthy, uncaring relentless desease, and the very word brings up so much anger in me. All I can tell you is that all your feelings and emotions are completely normal. Deep denial and disbelief that this has happened is one of the stages of grief. And you will probably feel like that until your brain can cope with the event. I felt in that fog of denial for about 5 weeks, in fact until after the funeral, and then it hit me hard, and I felt like I was back to square one. Everyone is different and will grieve differently, and at different rates. It is all normal and more importantly necessary, to enable you to move on, but it is still really really early days for you. By move on on I don't mean it will instantly become better but you will eventually learn to cope with the feelings. Accept how you feel and ride with it. I am 6 weeks in and I cry a lot, but not as much as I did, in the beginnng and I can occasionally do something and not feel guilty for enjoying it. I can still remember the devastation I felt when I lost my Dad, but the feelings are under control now. 

I hope you have people around you that can support you. Coming on this forum will help you because you will read about all the people who are going through the same thing as you. Also, most hospices have young people's support groups. Something to may like to think about later on. Grief is a very slow process, and one that none of us choose, but most of us will find ourself in at some point of our lives.  Unfortunately, grief is the price we pay for love. My motto is 'One day at a time.' That's the only way I can cope.

Take care and I am sending you my love.

Heather. X

Hello Ellie and welcome.  Every day there are similar stories of total bewilderment and inability to accept what has happened on these pages.  Cancer is, well, words I could not use on this forum.  The newly-married couple where one has died; the mother who has lost a child, beating their heads against a brick wall at the total unfairness and impossibility of what has happened to them.  Please don't worry about your inability to come to terms with having lost your wonderful dad; you are going to just have to take each day as it comes for the time being.  Don't look too far ahead - it is too awful to contemplate.  If you can get through each day you are doing b----y well.  Please do whatever gets you through the day; if that includes posting regularly on this forum to tell us what you are going through well do that; people here will understand and reply to you.    It might help you to read the attachment called Coping with Grief from this website; it may make more sense of the emotions you are experiencing.  Be kind to yourself.  Annie

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

Hello,

Firstly Im so sorry that youve have lost your dad, this world can be really unfair cant it.

I lost my dad about a month ago now to pancreatic cancer, and that still doesnt feel real. I really relate to what youve said. I still get out of bed and do things because I genuinely think it still hasnt sunk in and I dont want it too. I do have moments when I remember Im not going to see him again and I seem to go straight into full on panic attack, and then just try to stop myself because im too exhausted to keep crying. 

My dad died just a couple of days after I turned 23 so I completely understand your anger. I graduate next year and all he wanted was to make it to that and it pisses me off so much that he has to miss it. I completely agree that we are far too young to be going through this. Its so so hard. How old was your dad if you dont mind me asking?x

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your stories with me. It really really really infuriates me how much suffering this disease causes. 

I am really really sorry to hear about your losses Heather, Annie and Katie. I am sending love to you back. It helps to know that I'm not alone and that it is possible to push through this. 

Katie I'm so sorry. My dad was 58, and he also missed my graduation in September 2017 because he had just discovered that he had cancer and needed to start treatment immediately. They didn't tell me at the time about the cancer, and I was upset because my dad could not 'free himself from work' to come to my graduation. 

What you said about having moments where it becomes real and going into a panic attack is so true. I have exactly the same. I freak out and then my body shuts down because it can't take it anymore and it just stops believing it again.