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My dad died

4 Dec 2017 22:41

My dad was 82 and found out he had cancer if the larynx at the end of September, he died on 3 December- I cannot understand how a strong man could be beaten so quickly?  He survived an abdominal aneurysm 2 years ago and got back to being himself but this terrible thing has taken him in 2 months. He was told that surgery or radiotherapy weren’t likely to help and would be very harsh and may leave him unable to speak eat or drink. 

So he reluctantly agreed to have a tracheotomy tube fitted to help him breathe hoping it would give him more time.   However the result was that he was unable to eat or drink,being fed via a tube into his stomach, and could only manage a few words using a special cap for the tracheotomy tube but even that exhausted him as he could not breathe and talk at the same time.  He was virtually deaf so he was now totally isolated from the world and unable to enjoy even simple pleasures.  I feel that the last weeks of his life were torture for him. 

I managed to get him home for his last 2 weeks and I looked after him, I tried to keep positive and right to the day before he started ‘actively dying’ he was saying we would go places when he felt better.  Then he just seemed to vanish before my eyes - he wasn’t him anymore and he was scared for the first time, overnight he became a shadow- I don’t know how else to describe him. The palliative care nurse gave him sedation and from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon he was never conscious again. His breathing pattern changed over and over and it was horrific to sit by him for hour after hour and watch as he became less and less like a knew him.   I feel terrible saying this but it was actually a relief when he took his last breathe and I watched the pulse in his neck slow and stop. 

I know I was very lucky to have kept my dad till the age of 82 but it still doesn’t feel fair and I am SO angry with life. 

I don’t really know why I am writing this here but somehow  I need to let someone in the world know that he was a wonderful man and he deserved better. 

Re: My dad died

5 Dec 2017 10:44 in response to KAGGSYYELLOW

I'm very sorry to hear that your dad has passed away, KaggsyYellow. Please accept my sincere condolences on behalf of us all here at Cancer Chat.

I'm sure other forum members will be along soon to offer their support. In the meantime, I wanted to pass on a couple of links that might be of some help to you during this incredibly difficult time. 

The first is a link to Coping with loss, a section of our forum where you'll find others going through similar experiences who you can talk with. The second is Coping with grief, an information page that includes links to resources and support. This page talks about the emotions that people can go through when they lose someone to cancer, and it touches on anger being a common reaction. 

Just remember that there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve, and that talking about it can often really help.

Please do keep posting if you feel able to - we're here to listen. 

With best wishes,

Helen
Cancer Chat moderator

Re: My dad died

10 Dec 2017 23:50 in response to KAGGSYYELLOW

Hello, 

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this awful time.  Sorry for you and for your brave Dad.  

Cancer is so tough and just a couple of months notice is not a lot.  You did really well to look after him for the last two weeks of his life.  You will be in shock now and it will take time for you to work through your grief.  I hope you do allow yourself to be helped by others.  Reaching out like this is brave of you and I hope that it has been a help to you.

Many people may say the wrong thing to you - or do the wrong thing.  

I do hope that you get the kind of support that you need and that eventually the memories of your Dad when he was well and happy will return and give you comfort.

Blessings Kaggsyyellow 

hugs

Phil x