I found out the man I was dating was dying of cancer. We haven't been dating long at all, just 2 months. And I know it would seem stupid to care so much after that amount of time but I do. I met him when we were in secondary school together and then we went our spectate ways and 4 years later out of the blue something just sparked. He knew he was dying when he met me but he thought he had a year. He hadn't told anyone, including his family and he still has no plans to. He didn't tell me the details of anytving to do with it, as evidently he wants to do this completly by himself. It really upset me when I found out about the diagnosis, and made me very unstable.
He had a doctors appointment last month and then he just completely ghosted, not a word. I know I crossed a line by doing this but I showed up at his work place, multiple times. I know it was wrong but I cared about him so much and I knew the doctors must have told him somthing awful. He reached out 2 weeks ago and apologised and said his feelings for me never changed and he just wanted to save me the pain. He said there was a procedure they could do to help him but there was always a chance it wouldn't work. Now he's ghosted again and all I have is questions. Like what the procedure it, when it's happening, if he'll tell his family, if he's going to be okay. On a more selfish note, I want to know if any of our relationship was real if he could just drop me like that, like I didn't even matter. I know it's selfish but I am so angry with him, I wanted to stay and support him, I was prepared for it. And he didn't even give me a chance to try.
Before him I had only ever been with horrible men who didn't treat me right. And then I started speaking to him again, we were already friends from school and when we started speaking it's like everything just fell I place. And I knew that this is how it was meant to feel to be with someone. And I don't know how I'm supposed to let that go. He's either going to die and I'll know I lost the one. Or he'll live and decide the relatio ship has gone too bad or his feelings for me faded and well spend the rest of our lives apart. And then there's the tiniest chance that it was all real and the procedure will work and he'll come back to me and everything will be okay. And I just don't know whats going to happen but if he dies it will destroy me.
I want to help him, its all I want and I want to have hope that were meant to be. But he's pushed me away for so long that I'm not even sure he cares anymore about me. A part of me wants to move on but it feels impossible to do that too. And I feel selfish for thinking any of this considering he's going through the hardest thing imaginable.