Sweetheart im so sorry. Recently my mum had an operation for lung cancer and after telling us it was all gone then told us the odds are 60/40 of it returning as the tumour was so big. Listen i understand how you are feeling as my mum is my best friend and there were times when we didnt know if she would make it. Its been an agonising few months.  All i can say is dont leave anything unsaid and try and remember all the happy times. Maybe get some photos, chat and ask questions if she is up to it.  I will be sending lots of love and thinking about you over the coming weeks. My heart goes out to you.  If you feel able to, please keep in touch X

Hello nikkijo.  Just wanted to say hello and ask how you and your mum are doing.  I do wonder about life sometimes; it can be so hard but at the same time we would not miss out on the joy we have with the ones we love.  What has your mum decided about treatment?  Annie

Thankyou for the kind words. Mum died last night - 2 days after being diagnosed.

She had decided against any surgery and everyone, including the surgeons agreed it wasn’t favourable.  She wanted to go to a hospice and I so did I.  I was desperate for her not to die in the hospital. They weren’t dealing with her pain adequately. I was so pleased yesterday afternoon when one of the nurses said they had found a bed in a local hospice near our homes.  It was the only thing I could try to do to get her in a more peaceful place, she didn’t want to come home with me as she didn’t think I would cope.  Given how much pain she was in at the end it’s probably best I didn’t.  I am so angry that she died this way. I am so angry that her gp sent her away with laxatives when she was clearly obstructed. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do more for her and I cannot imagine my life without her.  

Hi Nikkijo, 

I just saw your post and wanted to offer my sincerest and heartfelt condolences on your mum's passing last night.

I know you're going through a range of emotions right now and that there is nothing I can say or do to make this situation better, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that my thoughts are with you at this time.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Dear Nikkijo

Words cannot express the sadness I feel at ypur Mum's dearh. All I can do is offer my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

I understand the anger you feel and even if you are able to direct it to those you feel responsible for her suffering, it won't ease your pain and loss.

I hope you will eventually come to terms and remember your Mum's life and not be overshadowed by the manner of her death.

With kindest thoughts

David

Oh dear, I am so sorry this happened so quickly.  Please try not to dwell on things you feel should have been handled better.  I don't know if it helps you to know how frequent these feelings of anger and guilt are even in very differing circumstances.  Your mum will have known you were with her and loved her which will have been so important to her.  Was she able to respond to you in the hours before her death?  You have had to cope with this on your own and have done as  much aas was humanly possible so please try not to stress yourself over this.  Annie