My Mum is broken. After telling my brother and I, it's been harder for her to keep pretending anymore. She talked to me tonight, and she told me she wants to go now. After what's happened to her, she doesn't want to live anymore. She wishes a miracle could happen, or that she'd never gotten cancer. She wants to be here for my first boyfriend, for when I graduate, for when I get married. She told me all that. But she said she couldn't go back. She doesn't want to go through chemo, she doesn't want to lie in the hospital, waiting, dying. She says she is waiting to die, and she doesn't want to do that anymore.
Imagine just living so that you can die, knowing that there is nothing that you can do and there's only a matter of horrible, horrible months left. It's hell. Mum said that she wishes she could just fall asleep and not wake up. She says waking up in the morning is like waking up into a nightmare.
My mum wants Dad to take her to Switzerland so she can put herself to rest.
I hate it. I hate cancer. This world is so cruel.
I understand my mum when she says she wants to go now. I can't imagine her world right now. She's in an awful place, and she has been since the end of last year.
I just wish I'd appreciated my Mum earlier. It's so unfair. This world is evil sometimes. To experience cancer like this, with someone I love so, so much has been awful. My mum said she wouldn't wish cancer on her biggest enemy. With what my mum's going through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I'm scared, but worst of all my Mum is scared and I wish things weren't like what they are. I posted a few days ago on here, and it's nice to see people who care and who understand, even if only slightly. No one should have to go through cancer. Websites like this shouldn't even exist because cancer shouldn't exist, but the world is cruel.
