Cancer Research UK on Google+ Cancer Research UK on Facebook Cancer Research UK on Twitter
Donate

Let's beat cancer sooner

Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 10:47

My amazing Mum who fought briefly with secondary liver cancer passed away this morning. I'm still in complete shock and disbelief, my mum can't just be gone like that. We knew she didn't have long but she detriorated so quickly. On Tuesday she was weak and tired as usual but completely aware when she was awake and could talk fine. However on Wednesday she was sleeping all day and less with it but she was still in there. Then on Friday she went into the hospice and went downhill so fast. By the end she had so much trouble speaking but her mind was still working. You could see that she was frustarted that she couldn't say what she was thinking I spent her last night with her and it was so hard - listening to her laboured breathing and not being able to help her at all. When I sat with her, her eyes were wide open but she wasn't ther. She couldn't even squeeze my hand to let me know she knew I was there. We were there when she passed this morning but it was so hard seeing her the way she was, and at the moment I can't think about her in any other way which I think is what hurts so much. I know she is at peace now but its too hard to see past the fact that shes gone.

None of this feels fair, which I know is a common feeling but it's just so tough. We were even just hoping she'd make it through Christmas - we had gone out and bought food and decorated her room to have a final christmas celebration with her but we didn't even get that. Everything happened so quickly, she was only diagnosed at the start of November and then on the 24th of November we were told there was nothing they could do and that we had weeks maybe months left with her. The fact that we couldn't even attempt to fight the cancer hurts so much. Even though we knew she didn't have long, I thought (or hoped) I'd have a little bit longer with her than we got. I thought we'd make it 2018 with her. Now I just feel like I didn't make the most of my time while she was still aware and able to talk. She knew I loved her but I still feel like there's so much more we could have talked about. I'm only 20, I still lived at home with her and my mum is my whole world. She's the only person I can talk about literally anything with. The relationship you have with your mum, especially as a daughter. is so unique, and it's so hard to lose that. You can never replicate that relationship. My parents are divorced and I was always closer to Mum than Dad. Dad just doesn't know me like mum does. Like today when my Dad tried to comfort me, I appreciated it but it felt foreign as I've never really seen him as a sorce of comfort. Mum was the one I wanted to be hugging. I know I'm still in the very early stages of grief but I know how much Mum means to me and I feel like I'm never going to get past her not being around anymore. I haven't lived independently from my mum, but now I have no choice, I have to build a life thats not just independent from Mum, but one that she's not in at all.

This post is so long and all over the place sorry but I really needed to share everything going on inside me right now even if nobody reads it. But thank you to anyone who does take the time to read this. 

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 11:36 in response to emilyf97

Hello emily.  What an awful shock for you to lose your mum today when you were hoping so much she would see Christmas and even New Year in.    Even though we know logically these things are hard to gauge it is still a horrible shock to realise you no longer have your mum.    My own mum died of liver cancer some years ago now and I remember how suddenly nothing made sense any more.  It was reminiscent of Auden's Stop All The Clocks poem (as in Four Weddings and a Funeral).  I am pleased you have taken the time to write out the history of your mum's illness to try to get things straight in your mind.  Don't expect too much from yourself or other family members at the moment - I am guessing you may have siblings as you use the term "we" often but realise this could be other close family members.

With your mum you could talk about everything endlessy but please don't make yourself feel bad because you could have said more.  I am sure your mum knew how much you loved her.  Accept your dad's  attempts to comfort you - I don't  know anything about how their marriage broke up but you are still his daughter and he is trying to help you.  I know you are comparing his love with yur mum's love but, well, they are different people and he is (a) doing his best and (b) is still in all probability upset himself about his ex-wife's death.  Try not to shut him out.

I realise nothing I can say can help with how you are feeling today but I just wanted to say hello and how very sorry I am for the way things have happened.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 12:37 in response to emilyf97

Welcome to the forum Emily although I'm really sorry to read that your mum passed away this morning and on behalf of everyone at Cancer Chat I would like to offer you our sincerest and heartfelt condolences.

Like Annieliz has said, I know there isn't much I can say to comfort you at this time but I just wanted to let you know that our thoughts are with you and that we are here for you if you need us.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 14:30 in response to emilyf97

I find it helps to write things down, for me anyway. I have a journal which I've written all my thoughts in this past month, and I wrote a Christmas card to my mum last night,saying all the things I wish I could say to her. These forums really do help a lot too - they don't ease the pain nor do they take away the grief, but they do make me feel less alone.

I'm so so sorry for you and for what your mum had to go through. It really isn't fair. 

 

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 16:46 in response to emilyf97

Hello Emily . I m sorry to hear your mum passing way on Christmas .

Arnel

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

25 Dec 2017 19:00 in response to emilyf97

Emily,

So sorry to read about your loss.

Best wishes

Dave

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 07:35 in response to Annieliz

Thank you for this, my emotions are everywhere at the moment and having somebody validate my feelings is comforting. I know it will be a while until I feel okay again, but knowing I have a place to vent and knowing people have gone through this before definitely helps.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 07:48 in response to jess44637

Thanks Jess. I have seen some of your previous posts and can compeltely relate to a lot of the feelings you have expressed. I just don't understand how I don't have a mum anymore. I genuinely can't comprehend it, I knew she wouldn't be around forever but this this was something that was supposed to happen when I was older, when she was older and had lived her life. She had a hard life and there was so much I wanted to do for her once I was an 'adult' - take her on holiday, buy her a house etc but now I'll never have the chance to give her everything she deserved.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel, it's unfair on you, your family and your mum. Hopefully one day we can get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much anymore, where we can no longer feel angry and reach a level of acceptance. But honestly at the moment it all feels like that day might never come.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 07:52 in response to Moderator Steph

Thank you, it's nice knowing I have a place to talk with people who understand what all this feels like.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 07:57 in response to arnel7

Thank you. I am so sorry to read about your wife's diagnosis, please make the most of the time you have with her - reminisce about the good times and make many new memories that you can cherish. If you would like to talk, I am here to listen.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 07:59 in response to davek

Thank you Dave

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 08:14 in response to emilyf97

Hi just want 2 say I’m so sorry 2 read about u mum it’s heart breaking I can’t really give advice. My mother passed away 2 /8/17 so I know what u feeling and going through it’s so hard . Sending u hug take care x 

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 12:59 in response to emilyf97

It is so so hard to comprehend. I think some of these words, horrible words, death, passing away, gone... they have kind of lost meaning for me now. I've had other family pass away, grandparents -  some I never even knew. But that was so different. They had their fair share of time on earth, and it was becoming inevitable that their time was nearly up. For my mum, she still had 40 damn years here at least. It's so difficult, I saw some family photos we have on our chest of drawers, and to see her beautiful face smiling back, and to think she doesn't exist... I can't wrap my head around it, and it kills me that she is just gone, whatever that means

And I know exactly what you mean, just like you've said as well, it's such a different relationship being older..  My mum expressed to me how much she wanted to be here with me now, especially now that I've finished school and have such a long break ahead of me before I go to uni.. she was so excited to spend this time with me now..  and it hurts me so much to think she never even had that. now going into the adult world, and having so much free time, I want nothing more than to take her out for coffee, explore antique stores with her which she so loved doing, and afford to buy her and spoil her with wonderful things with my own money. 

I know people are being kind when they say things like 'you had 18 wonderful years with her', but that's not how it should be. She should have been here for another 40 years at LEAST. The only thing I'm hoping for now is that one day, after this life, I will get to see her again. I can't imagine just never seeing her again?!

I don't think I meant my reply to be this long, I just have so many thoughts in my head. You can message me anytime if you want to speak to someone, I feel like we are going through similar things x 

I wish we didn't have to go through this, nor our mums. 

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

26 Dec 2017 13:16 in response to jess44637

To both emily and jess. And indeed anyone whose mum has died early.  One of the few things I  have found out about life is its horrible randomness.  My own mum was not young but she was certainly not so old that I expected her to get liver cancer and die.   Her own mother had not long earlier died after a lengthy illness through which my mum had cared for her every day; she deserved a bit of time for herself.  Even as I write that I realise how much I didn't know at the time.  Babies and children die of cancer - what is going on that we have to suffer like this?  I just don't know.  Sorry to step in and howl about life's unfairness but sometimes things just don't make any sense.  I am so sorry you are going through this.

Re: Mum passed away Christmas morning

27 Dec 2017 03:15 in response to emilyf97
Dear Emily, I’m so sorry to read your post, please accept my sincere condolences. I wish I could give you a big hug my darling. You are so young to have lost your mother, after such a short illness. No words can comfort you at the moment, just to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s good to talk, and there are lots of us who will liston, so please come back whenever you need to. We are such a loving caring daughter and your mother know that. Sending lots of love Jan xxx