My amazing Mum who fought briefly with secondary liver cancer passed away this morning. I'm still in complete shock and disbelief, my mum can't just be gone like that. We knew she didn't have long but she detriorated so quickly. On Tuesday she was weak and tired as usual but completely aware when she was awake and could talk fine. However on Wednesday she was sleeping all day and less with it but she was still in there. Then on Friday she went into the hospice and went downhill so fast. By the end she had so much trouble speaking but her mind was still working. You could see that she was frustarted that she couldn't say what she was thinking I spent her last night with her and it was so hard - listening to her laboured breathing and not being able to help her at all. When I sat with her, her eyes were wide open but she wasn't ther. She couldn't even squeeze my hand to let me know she knew I was there. We were there when she passed this morning but it was so hard seeing her the way she was, and at the moment I can't think about her in any other way which I think is what hurts so much. I know she is at peace now but its too hard to see past the fact that shes gone.
None of this feels fair, which I know is a common feeling but it's just so tough. We were even just hoping she'd make it through Christmas - we had gone out and bought food and decorated her room to have a final christmas celebration with her but we didn't even get that. Everything happened so quickly, she was only diagnosed at the start of November and then on the 24th of November we were told there was nothing they could do and that we had weeks maybe months left with her. The fact that we couldn't even attempt to fight the cancer hurts so much. Even though we knew she didn't have long, I thought (or hoped) I'd have a little bit longer with her than we got. I thought we'd make it 2018 with her. Now I just feel like I didn't make the most of my time while she was still aware and able to talk. She knew I loved her but I still feel like there's so much more we could have talked about. I'm only 20, I still lived at home with her and my mum is my whole world. She's the only person I can talk about literally anything with. The relationship you have with your mum, especially as a daughter. is so unique, and it's so hard to lose that. You can never replicate that relationship. My parents are divorced and I was always closer to Mum than Dad. Dad just doesn't know me like mum does. Like today when my Dad tried to comfort me, I appreciated it but it felt foreign as I've never really seen him as a sorce of comfort. Mum was the one I wanted to be hugging. I know I'm still in the very early stages of grief but I know how much Mum means to me and I feel like I'm never going to get past her not being around anymore. I haven't lived independently from my mum, but now I have no choice, I have to build a life thats not just independent from Mum, but one that she's not in at all.
This post is so long and all over the place sorry but I really needed to share everything going on inside me right now even if nobody reads it. But thank you to anyone who does take the time to read this.