Hi Lindz and welcome to Cancer Chat.

I just saw your post and wanted to let you know that hearing is the last sense to go so maybe you could hold your momma's hand and let her know you love her, that you'll be o.k and that when she feels ready, she can go.

Some of our members have found this has worked for them and I'm sure they will be along soon to offer their support and share their experiences with you.

We're all thinking of you at this difficult time.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you, Momma died peacefully this morning with me and my sister holding her hands. Xxx

so sorry for your loss  x x x

I lost my dad to cancer last week. I've lived with him for 27 years and he was my best mate. I know how you're feeling, trust me lots of love.X

I'm glad she had a peaceful passing Lindz and you and your sister were able to be with her at the end.

Sending kind thoughts and virtual hugs from our community to you both at this sad time.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Lindz

so sorry to hear about your mum.  I have just gone through the same with my mum who died on 19/11/19.  I cared for her at home till the end.  I am devastated that she has gone but i am so grateful i was able to fulfil her wish to be at home before she passed.  

No words can make things easier during this time as i know.  You will need to look after yourself and take time to heal your broken heart.x

Hi my m-i-l was diagnosed 7 weeks ago with esophageal cancer (she is nearly 90) and no treatment will help, over the last couple of weeks she has deteriorated and is virtually bed bound except for toilet needs. 

On Monday she got really bad and having long pauses between breathes. As her carer I was concerned and called my husband (her son),  when he arrived she took his hand and told him to look after everyone else. My husband stayed the night with her and she made it through the night. It's now Wednesday shes still with us but is very confused and not recognizing us, she says things that dont makes sense and see things that aren't there, her breathing is shallow and she sometimes struggles for breathe. We know it's nearly over and it could happen any time, but the waiting game is so cruel, I'm just trying to keep her comfortable and out of pain, I sit at the side of her bed holding her hand, on the odd occasion that she wakes i talk to her the best i can. 

So much praise to anyone who has had to deal with cancer whether you're a victim a survivor a family or carer. ♡♡ 

Hi Lindz,

I've gone through the same thing with my mum too.  My brother died in 2003 (not from cancer), my dad in 2007 from cancer, which left me & my mum.  On Hogmanay 2014 my mum was diagnosed, but had no idea that's what she was about to hear...she was told she had a cyst on her spleen, and was expecting to hear what they were going to do about it, if anything.  She was on her own when she was told and was completely shell shocked.  I was told in Jan 2015 by our doctor that my mum had weeks to live.  Mum was offered chemotherapy, the doctor at the cancer centre said she should take it and it wouldn't make her sick as that was a thing of the past (which we know is absolute nonsense), she then gave my mum a leaflet on chemo, and the first thing on it was about sickness.   My mum was a petite woman and suffered from osteoporosis and I knew if she accepted chemo it would make her sick, sickness usually resulted  in cracked ribs from the wretching, I knew it would finish her off sooner, and make her quality of life really awful...I saw it with my dad.  However, it had to be my mums choice, not mine.  Thankfully she decided not to have it even though she didn't know how long she had (I had been told, she hadn't).  My mum finally got some pain relief by being prescribed morphine, she had been in pain for such a long time.  I had gone to the doctors with my mum about 2 years before and said to the doctor there was definitely something wrong, my mum was constantly holding her back, left hand side, and was win pain.  The doctor assured us there was nothing to worry about the pain was from arthritis.  

In the January I moved in with my mum to look after her, as I had been told she had weeks and didn't want her to be on her own.  Weeks went by and my mum was encouraging me to go home, she said she needed to live her life as normally as possible, I respected her decision and went home...thankfully I live nearby & was in every day....which was normal life for us anyway.  The following months we were supported by palliative care team who would visit my mum at home & we'd go to the hospice to see the Professor, all were amazing & helpfull.  I think it was July or August the hospice gave my mum a wheelchair so we could get around as she couldn't walk far, starting to get weaker, but she still wanted to get out and about, I was back living with her at this point.  In September mum was in hospital for 2 weeks which was an awful experience, she wasn't put in the cancer ward, and the staff didn't have a clue, we didn't see the same doctor twice.  The hospital palliative care team would come by and squirt liquid morphine into my mums mouth even though it was all over her file that it doesn't agree with her and she's not to get it.  This resulted in me having to bring my own bed into the hospital and move into my mums room to ensure she was getting the right care.  I lived there till she was discharged.  
Tue 29th Oct my mum was admitted to the hospice, at her request....she asked to go in to give me a rest.  Wether that was the real reason or she just knew it was time I'll never know, probably a bit of both.  On Thursday 8th Oct mum was starting to get agitated and was trying to get out of bed, the Prof said I should say anything I want to say to her now, as they were going to sedate her & it would probably be the last time I'd be able to speak to her.  By the time I got back to the room they had already administered the sedation and I thought that was it, but I was talking to her trying to keep my voice upbeat kidding her on saying "oh yeh you'll speak to everybody else not me"....in a very faint voice she said "I love you me more than you know"....that was her last words.  Me & my partner were allowed to stay in the hospice from the Thursday till the Sunday when my mum sadly passed away surrounded by myself, my two nieces, and Jim my partner.  She was the most wonderful woman I've ever known and dealt with her diagnosis so well ...(well in front of me anyway).  
 

I think when families go through this where a loved one has a terminal diagnosis the grieving process starts almost immediately.  At first I felt shock & panic, I had been told she had weeks by the doctor in the morning then had to go to my mums and try act as normal as possible.  We went shopping, and I had to keep wandering off so she wouldn't see me trying to fight back the tears, all sorts of things were going through my mind....was this going to be the last time we'll ever do this....your mind races, and it's hard to focus your playing out all sorts of scenarios in your head, and trying to act as normal as possible.  Thankfully my mum survived till October, and not the couple of weeks I was told.  That gave us time together, we were able to go away for a few days in April which was really nice. When my mum passed I felt relieved for her, it would have been selfish of me to want her to go on when her quality of life was deteriorating.  I've been through this with both parents, dad survived for 8 month & mum for 10.  I'm grateful we got that time together, you can talk about things, go over their wishes, and say anything you want to say....some people don't get that chance.  Be grateful for the life you've had together and cherish all the memories, go over old photos, and talk about them, I talk openly about my family all the time.  I'm on my own now as I've lost all my immediate family, but I have my fiancé, nieces, a nephew and lots of aunts, uncles & cousins...thankfully.  Yes you'll feel heartbroken, and there will be days where you can't deal with it, but as much as we cant control these feelings we need to move on.  Jim said to me one day...."it's part of life we all need to go through it, moping around isn't going to bring anyone back only make you more depressed, there's nothing you can do to change it, enjoy your memories....unfortunately it's part of life".   At first I thought "that's a bit harsh", but he was right & it's completely changed the way i think.  I'm not saying I don't have a tear on an odd day, but you do come to terms with it and move on....but never forget.  Experiencing these things in life definitely makes you stronger.   
 

I know you posted this days ago, so I don't know what your situation is at the moment, but you're not alone post your thoughts on here & im sure someone at some point will get back to you...(probably me).   I feel your pain and grief right now...God bless. 
 

Dear Lindz

We have been sitting in the Hospice with mum for the last 8 days watching her slowly dying. My beautiful mum is fighting but now I just want peace for her. My heart is broken and it physically hurts at the moment. She has changed beyond recognition. Due to Dementia she's not been 'my mum' for a while but we still had her here at home. The cancer has caused lots of pain that we could no longer control at home but now in the hospice she is not suffering any pain. I'm going soon to sit with her and hold her hand for day 9 - please pray for strength I feel I'm running out of it I'm so lost without her. x

I am so sorry that you are having to endure this heartbreak. My mum passed away relatively quickly at the end. It's an awful time but I'm sure having you there with her is helpful. Even if she doesn't remember you as well with her dementia she will know she has a person who loves her. I send you all my love and hope you are holding on. Xxx