I could have written your story. My mum has always been difficult but when she got cancer she turned into a monster. Out of all her children I did the most to help despite severe mental health problems and living 100 miles away. I even spent 4 days with her for her first chemo session. My mother and stepfathers relationship is toxic and I've suffered because of it for 35 years. We found out some shocking things such as her having written my stepdad out of her half of the will and having nearly £100000 in the bank despite her saying she couldn't lend me a few hundred pounds more for my divorce from an abusive husband so basically I got an unfair settlement. I had to listen to my mother ranting every day about how awful my stepdad was being despite him doing his best and when I said we were both upset about the money and the fact she was basically being abusive - she said we were disgusting, that our feelings should be locked in a box and it was all about her - that because she had cancer age could do and say what she wanted. Even after she was successfully treated - when I found out my best friend was terminal at 46 the first thing she said was you didn't seem this upset about me!

I ended up having a severe breakdown and was then punished by my family simply for begging for a bit of space. My mother has apparently being telling people I have BPD and it's all due to my mental health - nothing to do with her appalling behaviour and my emotionally abusive childhood lol. She will never take accountability for anything and has no empathy for others. My brother refused to meet with me and I am not allowed to see my young nephew and niece as although I went crawling back - I have since broke contact with my mother after she wouldn't meet me 5 minutes yo the road despite me willing to make the 200 mile trip.

It has taken me nearly 3 years to realise my mother is an emotionally abusive, manipulative person where it's always about her. Fear, obligation and guilt kept me trapped because I'd been conditioned since childhood. My much older mother in law is dealing with cancer for the second time and the contrast in her behaviour is mind blowing.

My step sister divorced our family when she was 14 due to how awful things were.

Please know you are not alone. Your mother is wired up wrong and if she can't behave like a decent human being despite being poorly then that's her karma if she pushes those that care and try to help away. I know how paralysing the fear and guilt can be but it's all due to your mother bit having a maternal bone in her body and you are NOT a bad person if you decide to walk away.

Hi, so sorry to hear what you're going through it sounds really unfair. I don't have the best relationship with my mother and it's particularly difficult now she's terminal. I'm so envious of all those forum members who talk fondly about their mothers. I totally understand your situation mine is very selfish and manipulating and having cancer has magnified this behaviour. Sticking to boundaries is vital, I love my mother but I don't like her very much. I'm having some counselling to talk through my feelings and hope you may have this as an option. Stay strong, remember it's your mother who has a problem, not you xx

As a child it was good, as a teenager it became more difficult, then in to my early twenties things just progressed terribly. I have been envious for a long time of the relationship my adult friends have with their mothers. The one I have has tainted the relationship with my dad, brother and grandmother. It's hard. I do love my mother yes, but she is not a kind person anymore. I know she is partially a product of her illnesses, but I also know that her behaviour has always existed...for example I am a serial apologiser due to always saying sorry to make 'things better'. 
 

i have counselling in the past, I have just this week decided to visit this again. I have worked on guilt for a long time and know I need to continue to do so. 
 

when I was looking up references to the difficulty I have with my Mother, I struggled to find much. thank you so much for making me recognise I'm not on my own. 

Your words have made me feel far less like I'm on my own. I feel like discussing my mother being such a difficult person and her also having cancer is such a taboo thing you know?? 

Oh bless you. I've read loads over the years but it's still so hard to emotionally get that it's not me that's the problem. These toxic mother's do taint everything because it infiltrates everything in your life and damages your relationship toveryone who is too afraid to disagree with them. They know how to play the victim and control and manipulate everyone around them. If you Google narcissistic mothers or emotionally abusive mothers that might help gradually clear the fog. I'm going through a grieving process as I recognise my mother refused to let me follow my dreams, manipulated me into splitting me up from my first love and I daren't have children because I was afraid I wouldn't love them because I never felt she loved me. She is now manipulating my brother to not see me or let me see my nephew and niece and it's hard to reconcile that kind of evil with a mother whose supposed to love you.

My childhood was idyllic apart from my mother until age 9 when she got pregnant to my dad's best friend. I felt like I lost everything and we we were plunged into poor housing, poverty and my mother and stepfathers terrible relationship. She didn't protect us from any adult problems and the only complaints and anger were allowed to come from her. 

Part of me still loves her but she's not a kind person either. I too am triggered by tales of lovely mothers and feel like a bad person but am starting to recognise that no one, not even a mother should be excused for abusing her child. I was under the mental health crisis team for months and she just didn't care. My own brother was on holiday near me and he refused to visit saying I was vindictive and it was because I couldn't cope with her cancer. When you're a conscientious, introspective person this fills your head with more self doubt. I recently reached out to my brother to tell him our cousin had tragically died and it ended with him saying mum wasn't the problem and that I'd dumped him and the kids?! He then blocked me. All I can do is send the kids gifts every month and pray I'll resume a relationship with them in the future. My other brother said I was trying to turn him against mum even though he'd complained about mum's behaviour to me! When push comes to shove no one will dare say anything to her so she is constantly enabled.

It's good to realise we are not alone. I too had counselling recently. It was the thing that finally gave me the strength to walk away. Until then I didn't even realise I had a choice. It's time society stopped blaming daughters. No one goes through the agony of walking away unless something is seriously wrong x

Gosh, I cannot tell you how much I relate to your post. Having read all the replies I feel less alone. I know I cannot change my situation. My mum is not going to change her behaviour. She is constantly  angry with me, she feels am not supportive or loving.  She says incredibly hurtful things with no remorse.  All I  can do is protect myself and work on being OK with my decision to step away . It is incredibly difficult, I feel I am living in a nightmare.   Much love and support to you all xxx

When I began to step away it really helped. When I first wrote this post I felt like a monster to be honest, I found so little online about the 2 things together. My mum has since passed away, and actually, the sense of relief and closure I have felt has been huge. it was incredibly upsetting of course for a variety of reasons - one of them being this sense of relief of my own freedom finally. I think I had grieved my mother being gone a long time ago - when she became the hurtful and abusive person she became, but I think when she passed I grieved the loss of something I had wanted and not had? I wanted to be a teenager and then an adult with this wonderful relationship and it just didn't exist. So I think I grieved that. When she was in hospital that last week, she would ask for my brother and her dace lit up when he was there and she would tell him she loved him - I sadly didn't get that. Just the asking when he was coming. 
 

My dad has in fact taken on some of my mother's behaviours so that has been difficult, but I no longer worry what people must think of me based off what my mother had told them. I'm able to represent me, myself and I. 
 

sending kind thoughts