Hi nukacolagirl,

Sorry that you find yourself in this position but there certainly are things you can do to help yourself.

Firstly, acknowledge that your situation would not be easy for anybody, of any age to handle. But it's doable.

Your own health is of prime importance. See your GP at the earliest opportunity and explain your feelings towards self-harm. Ask for medication. Anti-depressants. Once you get the right one, they work and will make a massive difference.

Tell your school/college that you're going to leave and become a full-time carer and that you may return to studying later in your life.

Be sufficient to the moment.

By that I mean do what's in front of you now and don't concern yourself with the future. And that means even 5 minutes into the future. Just deal with the now - be sufficient to the moment. Does the baby need changing? Just concentrate on that, as calmly as possible. Then address the next moment. It could be going to the shop or talking with your mum or giving your brothers and sisters a hug. Each moment, one by one.

There are certain practicalities that will need to be addressed. Benefits to be applied for, palliative assisstance from the social services or MacMillans etc. People here will point you in the right direction as and when we can help.

Don't be afraid of showing and sharing your emotions with your family and appreciate that not everybody feels the same things at the same time - you may need a hug now and later on, somebody else will.

Don't forget to smile and laugh as much as possible.

I'll leave this for now but be assured, there'll always be somebody here who can offer advice or support. Please keep on posting.

Best Regards

Taff

Hi Rose, I want to reiterate what Taff wrote about going to your GP - in a perfect world you would see your Mum’s GP and he/she would know already what you are having to deal with. You must take care of yourself first before you can care for anyone else (it’s like oxygen masks on a plane when you have to put your own one on first before helping anyone else)

I have a life limiting illness and I have a 17 year old daughter. Obviously I don’t know your family dynamics but I am absolutely sure I want my daughter to tell me how she is feeling. I would be heartbroken if I thought she was trying to put a brave front on and keeping her real feelings from me, however difficult things are - at least then you can work out a plan of who you can speak to and what needs to be done. As the one with cancer I have access to the day hospice where there is a social worker who knows about help for families and counsellors who could speak to you. If you have a Maggie’s centre nearby or another cancer support centre then they will have support for relatives as well. 

Whilst at the Hospice day centre (there is a group for younger women at our local one) we made memory boxes and for those of us with children, we included photos and stories of their life with us. Maybe your mum could do something like that with you or at a group?

Does your school know? I know that when my daughter was doing her exams recently she got extra time and if she felt she had done badly then her prelims would be taken into account - I think you can also get a GP letter to explain your circumstances and that can help. 

Don’t take all this burden yourself - it’s too heavy for one person to carry all by themselves. Share it with lots of people. You are in no way being selfish. You sound the opposite of selfish and you need to look after yourself. 

Take care,

Joy1234

Hello nukacolagirl,

Taff and Joy1234 have already given you some excellent advice which I hope you will find useful so I will try not to just repeat what they have said! You have so much on your shoulders poor you it is normal that you are finding it hard to concentrate on A-levels. I just wanted to let you know that we are all here anytime things get a bit much and you need to talk to others who understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. We do have quite a few members on our forum who have also looked after a loved one who has terminal cancer and for you I guess you also have your younger siblings to think about and one of them is still a small baby.

As Taff and Joy1234 said, you need to go and talk to a GP about the self-harming. You could also mention that you are not finding the sessions with your counsellor helpful and whether there is something else they could suggest. It is so important that you look after yourself and that you find what works best for you to help you deal with this incredibly difficult situation. You are very young and even though you are the eldest in your family and feel that you have to be on top of everything, you simply cannot do everything alone and you need to take care of yourself. As Taff suggested, try and see whether you can get some practical support. We have some good tips in our caring for the carer page.  on getting help and support. I suggest you have a look also at the CarersUK site where you will find a lot of practical and financial information and support.

I thought I'd also share a link to Samaritans do get in touch with them if it all gets too much and you want to talk to someone at any time of the day or night. Our cancer nurses are also available on this free number 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm.

Stay strong Rose, I know it's difficult but you are doing amazingly and I hope you'll get to chat here with others who know what you are going through and that they'll also share their story with you. Sometimes it helps to feel a little less alone to know that others on this forum are currently in the same boat as you and they are here to listen and understand.

Warm wishes during these tough moments,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator