It’s almost six months since I lost my mum. She was diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer. We were all really hopeful that she would survive with treatment given the stage of diagnosis. Less than a year later she sadly passed away.
She was only 66, and I am only 27 with a 3 year old son. I took mum to all of her radio therapy treatments last August to be told the Tumor had been destroyed. It was one of the happiest days of my life in October last year. Mum started with really bad headaches and I noticed she started to loose balance and fall over ect. Confusion started and I urged her to go see the doctor. I think she knew all along but didn’t want to hear it. After a few weeks mum went to hospital and we had the horrible news it had spread to her brain. There was hope of treatment go lengthen mums life but there was more than one tumour. We then found out the cancer was in her pancreas and stomach. Hope had gone and less than a month later mum was rushed into hospital where she spent the last three weeks of her life in there and then a hospice. I didn’t leave mums side for those three weeks - luckily the hospital and hospice were happy for me to be with her. It was the hardest time of my life and i look back and don’t understand how I did it. She was so brave and I never saw a tear shed. She wasn’t herself after getting rushed in to hospital as the tumor has swelled and I think it changed her. She almost aged into a cheeky old lady. Her emotions weren’t as strong and she got very confused. Her goal was to reach Christmas Day. We were told the news that morning she had days to live. Mum being mum still wanted to make the Christmas meal we had booked at a lovely restaurant. We were scared to take her as she was so poorly. But the staff persuaded us to and gave us all the relevant medication and advice if anything was to happen. She made the meal and we brought her back to the hospice. I cried when I got her back into the car park I couldn’t believe she did it. I told her how proud I was and she said ‘are you’ like she didn’t even realise how amazing she was. Boxing Day came and she wanted to go to the Buffet her mother and father in law were having. She was very poorly today and wasn’t really with us. Mum passed away the following day at lunch time. I was with her at that moment and it was torture. I spent the day by her side in absolute tears and I wouldn’t leave her until she felt cold. She always said please make sure I am dead that was her worry. So I did. The next few days weren’t too bad for me. I was very shocked how well I was dealing with it. Yes I cried but I wasn’t the wreck I thought I would be. The funeral came and I managed to read a letter to mum it was hard and I struggled to get through it but I did. Months passed and I haven’t been too bad. I’ve been busy starting up my first business and I’ve kept myself so busy. The last few nights I’ve woken up through the night in a panic and the realisation mums gone. For a few seconds my heart hurts so much. My mind replays moments of her death and flash backs.
I thought I had dealt with everything already but I’m worried it is catching up with me. I have felt guilt at how well I have coped with it all. Felt I should of spent weeks upset but I didn’t.
Could it now be starting to effect me ?
