Hi there, and so sorry you find your self in this situation ...

I'm not medically trained, but l would have thought he'd still be seen by his oncology team ... surely you havnt just been left ... if it were me I'd ring for appointment with the oncology nurse / Dr ...and write down all the questions you would like an answer too ... 

You can't go on doing everything yourself ... you will make yourself ill too ... you sound like you need a brake ... a year is a long time to go it alone ...

I can understand your husband may want you to do everything .. but as someone with cancer myself ... l think he is being selfish .. if he cared enough, he would want you to have help, weather that's someone coming in to give him personal care .. or a day centre where you could have a day for yourself once a week ... he is probably like that because of the cancer... it's not an excuse to run you ragged .. I'm afraid I'd give him 2 choices ... to accept help or no one ... as you won't do it all any more ...

What do your daughters say ... do they see the strain on you ... Macmillan and marie curie both can give you help with palative care ... or is he still able to do something's himself ... but deffinatly find out why he's not been seen by his oncology team ... ask them what they can offer ... Chrissie x

Hello Lilianne and welcome.  Is your husband generally uncommunicative or is only around the subject of his cancer.  I am sorry that you - with your own fears - are being shut out; do you think he is refusing to accept the situation which is why he will not discuss it? I sometimes feel that I should mind my own business as while your issue is with the current situation it is possible that it could be part of a pattern that has built up over the years.  But you are obviously concerned and loving and want to help your husband and family.  You may find it helpful to ring MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000 Mon-Fri 9am-8pm) who are very experienced and knowledgeable about all things cancer related; this would help you and enable you to cope better with the situation.  I am attaching a link to one part of their website and hope that this may help a little.  Annie

www.macmillan.org.uk/.../understanding-what-they-may-be-facing.html

Dear Chrissie,

Thank you for your kind words.  So much of what you have said is true.  My husband has just gone to bed so surely he must be really ill?  But this gives me the opportunity to talk to Macmillans as the next person has suggested.  Our daughters do see the strain on me and offer to help often which they do.  They are twins of 36 and have a very close relationship with each other.  One is married and lives near Dallas where her husband works but she has decided to stay with her sister so that she can help me and my husband.  I keep trying to encourage her to go back to her husband as we don't know how long this is going on for and I don't want her to lose her husband because of us, although I think he understands.  While on steroids my husband decided to rip up the stair carpet and start decorating the hall, stairs and landing!  He went slighly mad while on the steroids and is now off them but also has no energy or appetite.  He can bathe himself etc but otherwise not much else.  Luckily our daughter has taken over the decorating!  

I have considered giving him an ultimatum but just can't do it.  It helps that you have replied.  Thank you.  Lilianne x

Dear Annie,

Many thanks for your post.  Yes my husband is generally uncommunicative and is in complete denial about his cancer.  And yes probably why he will not discuss it.  And again it is a pattern that has built up over 35 years of marriage.  Many thanks for the link to Macmillan and I did ring them.  While talking to the counsellor and then the Macmillan nurse I was able to see a way forward for me to feel more supported, I hope!  I shall give it a try anyway.  Thank you for replying to my post.  Lilianne.