I've lurked here for a little while. I almost posted, but then didn't, because I felt absolutely okay. Today, I don't. I'm distracted, tense in my shoulders, anxious, approaching tearfulness (fine if i don't talk about 'it'). I'm at work - physically, brain is elsewhere. I feel so fortunate that I've managed to stay upbeat for the last two weeks. In part probably down to having dealt with a significant number of traumatic 'stuff' in the past, that I tend to be quite good at hunkering down until the storm has passed. Well, that storm arrives here, tomorrow...
I was referred on the 2WW pathway a couple of weeks ago, my appointment is in morning. I had a minor wobble on first 1-2 days, but since, i've just been getting on with things and as i said, felt just fine with waiting. I've been checking every day to make sure it's still there - Panicking a couple of days ago when i thought i'd 'lost' it. Just turns out that I was due on my period, which made things feel a bit different - I couldn't have timed my first mammogram better than the week i have tender boobs anyway - it gives me something to roll my eyes at and be light hearted about.
Does anyone resonate with the feeling of making a mountain out of a mole hill. I hate fuss. What if it's nothing, then great right. But i'll still feel like a bit of a prat for worrying and wasting time and resource of my GP and clinical staff - Although its totally normal, I almost feel embarrassed - That's so weird!
Then there's the constant flip/flop of emotions and thoughts. On one hand, there's me with all those cliche irrational worries, and right there next to them, is me(!) with all the cliche rational thoughts. I'm actually going a bit mad. And it's all totally normal, and completely forgivable. And yet - despite my calm exterior - the person in my office who keeps sneezing is really going to get it :laugh::laugh:
I won't list on about where it is and how it feels, largely because I know cancer can take any forms (big/small, hard/soft, fixed/moveable). I guess I'm just here and introducing myself because I know feel a bit out of my depth - it's peculiar, when you think you know yourself fairly well and you find yourself just reacting differently to how you expect - and also to connect with people who are in the same boat, because it feels kind of lonely when you feel scared.
In spite of that, I am feeling appreciative today. In the last two weeks, my mind has allowed me to hunker down and get on with the job I love, and of course, allowed me to cope with all the demands of being a mum to 3 fantastic kids. Also, which is a massive bonus, I've really got to know my boobs! I always checked before, maybe monthly or so. But it was a bit half-arsed. I now check them everyday and as a result, I am really familiar with what 'normal' feels like for me (well, my right boob anyway!)
