Lost my mum today

Today my mum died. She battled breast cancer and won and a few months after she got the all clear we were told she had liver cancer. That was in December last year and in March this year we were told 2 months. I was in such denial she was ill I was just so angry at her. She had good days and bad and was in hospital for weeks then out for weeks. She got called into hospital 3 weeks ago after a blood test found she had kidney failure. She had a stent and was being kept in to monitor the progress and if went well she'd get a permanent one. Last week, second week of her being in, she seemed to get worse. She collapsed in the toilet and was struggling to breath. Yesterday she went down for her stent and they couldn't do it cause she couldn't breath and they found a infection all around her kidneys and her right lung collapsed as the cancer had spread.

We were all called in yesterday and it was heart breaking. She was on a oxygen mask and just didn't know what was going on. Eventually they gave her so much painkiller she just laid there and her breathing was so bad. Today at lunchtime my family and I decided we should remove the oxygen mask as the consultant told her it was just prolonging her death. Within not even a minute of taking it off she died. 

Her face is in my head, her eyes were open just looking at me. I couldn't even cry, my whole family were breaking down and I just couldn't cry. At first I felt happy, I knew she wasn't in pain any more. After trying to say goodbye that's when I broke down. Her eyes just staring at me, her mouth open covered in blood and her just not moving. One never felt pain like loosing my mum. I've taken her phone and I just keep reading her messages, looking at her photos or just holding her clothes. I don't know what to do. She was everything to me. We spoke every day and I've seen her every day since she was in hospital and now she's just laying there alone. 

I miss her so much. I've lost my mum at 28 and my children have lost their nan. I just want to hold her or phone her. Just hear her voice. I miss her so much I don't know how I'll get over this

 

  • Hello Reissemy.  .......  I am under no elusion that I can say anything which will ease your pain but I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry that your lovely Mum has passed away and my heart goes out to you. Sending you a massive hug and much love. Please keep in touch x

  • Thank you. She was so lovely. I miss her so much. I just want her back. I'd do anything to have her. I haven't slept since Sunday. I just can't sleep or eat. I miss my mummy so much it's breaking my heart 

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    My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. Treasure the wonderful memories and look through the photos. Looking through photos has helped me to feel my grandad is still with me. 

    I'm sure she will be with you every single day watching over you and your children. 

     

    X

  • I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. I lost my Dad on 1st July.... Dad diagnosis was only made on 11th June.. I am heartbroken .... Living in a bubble just functioning. I don't think you ever recover from a loss of a love one... It's so hard when you see them slip away from you as the cancer spreads... But some months on I try not to picture those Grimm dark days... I remember my Dad laughing, playing with his grandchild and all the special memories. Try to do the same with your mum. Don't let cancer define your wonderful mum's life when there are so many other things that you should remember her by. Remember kisses, remember cuddles and remember her kind and wise words. This is how I remember my wonderful Dad. I still cry about all the things he is going to miss and how I can function without him... Whoever says it get easier is a liar...but day by day you can function and even laugh again. Big hugs from one heartbroken daughter to another. I am here if you wish to talk. Xxxx

  • Hello Emmy,

    I just wanted to say on behalt of everyone on Cancer Chat that we are so sorry to hear your mum has passed away.

    I hope this forum will give you a little comfort in this difficult time.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Thank you for all your replies. Today is no better, I still feel numb and just here. My son is a great help. He says we shouldnt cry as nanny isn't in pain now. When I think of it like that it does help but i miss her so much. 

    I'm trying to think of her before the cancer got her but sge lost so much weight from not eating and had so much fluid in her stomach it's hard to remember what she looked like before. I have her photos and just looking at them I can see she was just getting worse but when she was here I just wouldn't let myself see it. 

    I wish I thought more about the fact that she would die. Instead I treated her like she'd be there forever. Before she was unconscious she kept asking where I was but I was standing right there. I don't want her to think I wasn't there. Cause I was there holding her hand as she passed away and for the 24 hours before. 

     

  • Hi sorry for your loss. My beautiful mum passed away on 23/11/2015, she had battled cancer in2014, and was in remission, i was her carer, 24/7, and loved looking after her. She was my soul mate, my best friend, in Oct, 2015, she was not herself, had doctors doing all tests which came back clear including mri lumber puncture, until it was too late and in her brain. I watched my darling mum deteriorate slowly, she was a FIGHTER ,as she was given24/48hrs and lasted8wk.we were best friends, shopped together, was together all the time. I stayed in hospital with her for the8wks.now i am totally devastated, lost, can't go out because it reminds me of the times we were out together. Miss her SO MUCH it hurts in my heart, everywhere in house I see mum, feeding her pureed meals as radiotherapy to her neck before stopped mum eating solid food, at night mum shouting me as she needed the toilet, I loved being there for her, close my eyes and all I see is how the cancer slowly took her. Stopped mum from being able to talk,move her arms and legs, such a nasty disease, and my mum was so beautiful inside and out, use to help anybody,if they liked her expensive perfumes she would get them a bottle, such a beautiful soul, .don't know how to carry on without her

  • My heart goes out to you I was nearly in tears reading that. I my self have liver cancer though mine is under control. Hugs -Diane X

  • Hi Emm Reading your post is like a mirror imagine of what I'm going though, my mum also had breast cancer and in the end it was the kidneys that failed after having a stent she died in July 2015. She was my Best friend and when we weren't in work we spend most of our free time together. I gave up work to care for her when we found out the cancer had spread to her bones, and I feel lucky that I was able to spend all my time with her. Im struggling at 31 feel bitter and hard done by that my mum has died. 2 kids who probably won't remember much of there time with her. I can't offer much advice as I don't have any for myself but I know how you feel and I hope in time the pain of our loss gets a bit more bareable xxxx