I'm so sorry for your Loss Jill and so so sorry to hear about your dad having this disgusting disease too. My heart goes out to you. 

My mum died 3.5 weeks ago from pancreatic cancer. She too put up such a brave fight and fought for 20months. It's such a  difficult time and unfortunately I can't provide you with any advice of my experience as I have only just began this horrible experience too. I'm so glad your husband is a good strength to you, mine is too, but it is hard to explain what mixed emotions you are going through to someone who hasn't experienced them. I am trying so hard not to be sad, as my mum wouldn't want me to be, she said the only sadness she had was that everyone would be sad if she died, and I'm sure your Mam would be the same for you. I manage to get through most days by focussing on things to do and make sure I give myself some time for a good cry when I need to. 

I love that she was speaking to someone, maybe your gran? up to the end and I hope that gives you comfort, as I have taken comfort from knowing that my mum is no longer in pain and is with some loved ones, although very sad and angry that she was taken far too early.

Anyway I just wanted to send you a big hug and say that I know it's a cliche but you are stronger than you think. Xxx

Hello Jill,

I am glad you have already received such a lovely response from chazmonty who has been through a very similar experience as you having experienced the loss of a loved one only three weeks ago. I hope you can find comfort in talking to each other.

I just wanted to say we are sorry that your mum passed away just a week ago and I am glad your husband has been a tower of strength for you and is giving you the support you need at the moment.

This information on coping with grief may be of interest to you but as nothing replaces shared personal stories, I am sure you will hear from many on this forum who have experienced this difficult grieving process and will be along soon to talk to you about it.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Am so sorry about your loss too. It did make me smile reading your Mam saying she didn't want everyone to be sad as that was the same as my mam. We had the lady round today to discuss her funeral. Mam wanted a celebration of her life & everyone to wear bright colours. I am hoping to read a poem. I'm worried about life after as I'm not ready for my life to go back to normal. Not that it will ever be normal again.

Big hugs to you too. Your mam sounded like a very brave woman indeed and am sure as her daughter you have that inner strength too xxx

That's lovely everyone wearing bright colours. I was really dreading the funeral but it turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. It was a very sad occasion but there were really nice aspects to it and if it's possible for these things to be lovely then that's what I would describe it as and I know my mum would have loved it. It's nice to see all the people who are there for you and your mum and your family and all the nice things and memories said about her. You will probably hear stories you haven't heard before as well. so just as you said, it's a celebration of her life and she's want you there celebrating her life for her. 

I totally understand what you mean about going back to normal, how can things ever be normal again. I often wonder why life is still going on around me, people are still carrying on as if nothing's happened, yet for us it's life changing. I'm not back at work yet and have taken a few weeks off after the funeral as I felt I needed some time to myself to get my head round things before going back, yet my sister went back straight after the funeral. Everyone is different and copes differently, so make sure you do what's right for you and whatever you feel you need to do. Such a tough situation to deal with. You'd mentioned your dads scan next week too, so I'm hoping that goes as well as it can and make sure you are getting all the help and support your need. We had a Sue Ryder nurse who came out to see my mum and was really helpful, the hospice had really good support networks too, so make sure you utilise all the help and support you can at this time xxx

It's,a funny thing to say that you enjoyed a funeral but I was so proud to be my mams daughter & it really felt like a celebration. I stood up & read the poem perfectly and I really don't know how I managed but I did. I kept thinking all day, Mam would have loved this. It's,a weird feeling. My brother was very difficult, he sat 3 rows behind all the family at the crem & wasn't in the line up following. Everyone thought my husband was my brother - it was a bit disappointing & I felt my mam deserved better. It was my birthday the day after the funeral & she had managed to write my card. I will treasure it forever.

I'm only just starting to process things & am going to take another few weeks off work. I'm not rushing back as its a stressful environment where I work & I'm struggling to concentrate at the mo. I still find myself bursting into tears & thinking I must tell her something & then remember she's not there. Very hard. 

Keep in touch & let me know how you're getting on xx

I'm so pleased that you enjoyed the funeral, it is a very weird feeling isn't it. And how lovely that you have a birthday card written from your mam, what a sad time to have your birthday but a lovely lovely thing that she had a card ready for you. It just shows that even at times like this, when your mum was really ill, she was still thinking about you and putting her children first, as mothers do, and as we already both said they wouldn't want us to be sad, mothers just want their children to be happy.

Im sorry to hear how difficult it is with your brother, that must be hard to deal with. 

I'm back at work on Wednesday and think I'll be ok when I go back. My managers have been really supportive and I think keeping busy will help me, though I am still prone to bursting into tears. I also at times think I'll text my mum that and then realise I can't, which is difficult. 

It was a month yesterday since my mum died and that was a really sad day and really hard too, I just want time to stand still and for it not to have happened longer and longer ago, as if the world is still going on without her, which isn't fair. I suppose there will always be new milestones that I haven't thought of yet that will upset us. It would have been my mums 65th birthday next Tuesday,  I think I'll struggle with that. 

I hope you are managing to put yourself first and make sure your husband is looking after you. We all seem to think we are strong but really need some looking after at times like these. Xx 

Hello - how are you coping now back to work. I thought of you on Wednesday. I've had a few very bad days. We picked my mams ashes up on Wednesday & I've been struggling to cope since then. We are spreading her ashes in the Yorkshire dales on her birthday in July but as its a week day my brother can't or won't come - so we either have to make it a Saturday or split her ashes so he can do his own thing on the Sat. I'm finding the constant problems with him difficult to deal with.

Dad's scan results are on Tuesday - he's been ill with his chemo & we are still trying to sort all the finances out - I'm just finding everything is getting too much. Maybe I have to get this low to then pick myself back up. My husband suffers with crohns too & has been ill this past week so feeling completely overwhelmed again. I feel as if I'm going back not forward. 

I totally understand what you are saying about time standing still & not wanting the world to carry on. It seems unfair to watch people laughing & enjoying themselves - I want to shout at them do you realize my world has ended- but you can't. It shows life does go on & in time, I hope, will find it easier too. 

Are you doing anything on your mams birthday - just to mark the date even or just some quiet time to think about her. It seems like Tuesday will be an emotional day for both of us in different ways, but will be thinking of you.

Xx

Work was hard, but I got through it. I don't work Friday's so was only in for two days which I was glad for. On Wednesday I couldn't really concentrate and it felt like my head was cloudy and I wasn't really there, as soon as I got home I burst into tears, but I then felt better and Thursday was a bit easier, I think it will just take time. 

Im sorry to hear you've had a few really bad days. My mum lived down south England with my step-dad (I live in Glasgow) so it will be him picking up the ashes, he hasn't done that yet and isn't looking forward to it. I think it's another reminder that they're not here anymore and another milestone really when the ashes are scattered. That sounds so difficult with your brother and must be hard to deal with and manage, you've got so much on your plate and with your husband not having a good week either, you are doing so so well, even if you feel you aren't, you really are. No one would be able to cope well with all these things at once, but gradually you will get through it, a day at a time. I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday too, what a tough time you'll be having knowing that you have your dads results coming.

My sister has gone down to stay with my step dad over my mums birthday, I would have loved to go down too but I'm only just back at work and didn't want to be back and then take more time off and my son (who's only 1) has been in and out of nursery so much recently and only just resettled, that I didn't want to unsettle him again. I think I might leave work an hour early and go to my mums favourite spot in a local park to our house, (it's where we are scattering some of the ashes), it's really peaceful there and will always remind me of her. 

I'll be thinking of you. Take care xxx

I think your doing amazing going back to work and trying to get used to a new normality. I'm lucky in one respect as my dad just lives round the corner from me but picking the ashes up was emotional. However it might sound strange but I have have put some of her ashes in my plant pots in the garden. She loved gardening so it feels nice to know she's where she was happiest & close by.

We had good news today, dad's tumours have reacted well to the chemo and shrunk. He has cancer in his oesphagus, stomach & liver. We know it's incurable but the chemo has helped & feel relieved to know we have him for a bit longer. It will also give us time to sort things out & get him in a bit of a routine.

I was thinking of you today & how hard a day it would have been. I hope you managed to have that quiet time in the park. So difficult dealing with your loss and looking after your son. I'm sure he melts your heart though & no doubt keeps you busy enough to occupy your mind. My son is 13 so a lot older but my mam absolutely idolized him as she looked after him when I was at work. I'm so grateful I still have dad. I was dreading it being bad news but it has made me a little stronger in dealing with everything. The pain is starting to lessen a little but I suppose will have good and bad days still.

Thanks for being here for me - I hope I have helped you a little too. Xxx

You have definitely helped me, it's just nice to speak with someone else who has an idea what you're going through. 

I was thinking about you during the day yesterday. I'm so glad about your dads test results, what a small relief for you and helping you get though just now a little easier. 

Thats is so lovely you've put some ashes in the plant pots, how creative and also to know that she's close by, that's really nice. I didn't end up going to the park yesterday, but I left work an hour early and bought some flowers on the way home, they are in the colours that my mum loved, she really loved flowers too, so I arranged them in the kitchen and then I lit the candle she gave me for my last birthday, I hadn't lit it before and thought it was a nice gesture and time to think of her. I had a cry whilst doing so and then had a chat to my mum. I'm sure she would have been listening. I was really sad all day yesterday, however woke up this morning and felt so much better. Still sad but nothing like yesterday. I know I'll continue to have really bad days but it was so nice today having a day when I didn't feel like crying all day long. 

Im sure your son is a tower of strength to you. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have children, they certainly give you something to focus on and with mine at 1, keep me busy! How lovely that your son will have such wonderful memories of your mum too. I know it must be really hard for him just now too, but lovely that he will have had such a nice bond with her.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch xxx