My heart goes out to you as my husband died from stage 4 lung cancer and covid.  It's such a feeling of loss and heartbreak plus watching them die in this way makes it worse.  All I can say Chrissy is that you will get through it, we really don't have a choice.  Take each day as it comes, don't expect anything just go with how you feel.  If I wanted to stay in bed I did, if it was 4am I got up and stayed up until it was time to sleep again.  Eat when you want, cry when you want, smile if you want, nothing will make any difference to the outcome, its nearly 4 months since Norman died and each day is different but I just stay home if I want or go out if I want to.  Mum fought to stay alive and you need that strength to get you through this.  Much love, Carol x 

Chrissy, I am so sorry for your loss.  There are no words that are going to make you feel better, but I just want you to know that somehow you will find the strength to get through this.  I am not saying that you will ever completely get over the loss of  your lovely Mother.........I don't believe that we ever fully recover from losing those we Love, but I PROMISE you that in time, that raw, awful pain subsides and a semblance of normality returns to your life.  Your dear Mother sounds like she was a really strong character, and you will get through this because you are your Mother's daughter.  Take care,  Love, Violet, xx

Hello Jane,

I am so sorry about your loss and my condolences go out to you and all the rest of your family at this sad time.

I just lost my own mum a few weeks ago to lung cancer/kidney failure and they creamated her last week. These are my thoughts about the loss of my mum.

The one thing I am always going to be grateful for is that we got to say goodbye to her and that we all got to say what we wanted to say, she went knowing we loved her and that she loved us. She didn't leave this mortal coil alone, unloved and she got to hear our love, I think about people who die of heart attack or a stroke or there are many other ways where people die instantly without hearing those words or without their loved ones being able to say those words to them and that causes the pain and the grief to last - sometimes a lifetime. I know I was lucky to tell my mum how much she meant to me before she passed away.

What I realised with my mum's passing is that everything is temporary, even my own life is temporary, I am 50 and had 50 years with my mum in my life which again, I feel blessed but in another 30 years, I probably won't be here, I will be reunited with mum and all the others who are about to pass on or have passed on who I loved and who loved me. Mum wanted me to be happy and to prosper and she basically said that in her last days and if we think back 30 years - 1992 - it's like a nothing space of time - I remember watching 'The Hitman and Her' and chasing around girls who weren't interested in me and going to Spain during those times like it was last week but it was actually 30 years ago, the time and the years go so quickly that one day, you will be elderly yourself and in the twighlight of your own life. None of us have got long even if we think we do. You have to enjoy what you have left to the best of your abilities.

Mum always said to us throughout our childhood and as adults that her biggest nightmare was her burying us, as painful as her children burying mum is - it is the 'circle of life' as Elton John liked to sing along to - I am sure your mum would rather she passed on before you as painful as that is for you and for me and everyone today who is about to lose their mum (with a lot of them unable to say goodbye to her...) this cancer is such a horrid, horrid disease but there were things that came of it where I am glad and my mum was glad where when she passed and left us - it helped with her going and it helped with the people who loved her who are now mourning her.

I feel her presence with me today and I feel she is still with us which I am sure you will do too with your own mum. I am wish you peace and strength through this traumatic time and I am sure your mum when she spoke to you in her final days that she wished for you to be happy in your life - I also wish that for you too, take care.

Carlos

Also, I read a bit of your profile and that you took your mum to India which is amazing, I did similar with my mum - took all over Spain including her ancestral hometown in Extremadura and I took her to Malaysia as well to Penang - I have all those amazing memories and those good times I can think back on and you will have the same as well. It's hurting now (it's hurting for me too...) but your mum saw places and did things and that counts in the end. There are people I know who get to be old and have never left the estate and been nowhere - fine if that's what they want but your mum didn't do that and she lived a life well lived and if I can see in the picture - a happy one.

Carol thank you so much for reaching out to me with these kind words when you are also suffering from the grief of losing your husband too only recently. I'm moxing between numbness and desperation to see her at the moment. Waves of crying then nothing but disbelief. Your right, we just have to carry on no choice. Day at a time. I know I'm going to be really bad next week when my partner returns to work and I'm in the home we shared with Mum and my whole daily routine of being with her is gone, I'm without her. Gosh I don't know how I am going to cope...but of course I have to. Thank you once again and if you ever need a chat I'm here too for you. xx

Violet thank you so much for your kind words to me. Your advice makes perfect sense and your right I won't ever get over losing her but I really hope one day the awful heart strickening pain I'm feeling right now subsides because right now it really is like nothing else. My Mum was so brave, kind, selfless, loving and everything I could possibly wish for in a Mum and a best friend. I was so so blessed. xx

Carlos thank you so much for reaching out to me with kindness when it is only very recently you have suffered the loss of your own Mum. Its heartbreaking and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum, she sounds an amazing lady. Your words make perfect sense; Mum would never have wanted me to go first she often said she wouldn't have been able to cope without me. It is a huge comfort to have been with Mum when she left this life, knowing we were altogether and being able to say comforting loving words to her, I just wish from my heart that she had not had to suffer for weeks beforehand especially the last 24 hours. That pains me so much.

I agree that life is precious and short, time goes in a blink of an eye, so true. To be a lasting legacy of my Mum I need to make the best of my life, that was her wish, for me to enjoy life, be happy and I need to try and do this for myself and for her. I can't bring her back to me no matter if I am sad or happy so I need to eventually try and bring some joy back into my life but for now I just can't summon up anything as I am hurting so much.

The fact you took your Mum on a trip around spain together was amazing, all those wonderful memories. We cared and loved our Mums and they knew it, what can be more special than this?

Again I wish to thank you for being so kind because only those whom are going through the same or have gone through this awful experience truly know how the other one is feeling and it helps so much. Take good care of yourself.

Jane x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words to ease your pain but I had to reply.

I lost my mum last month to lung cancer post op. I'm currently sat up unable to sleep as its her funeral in 9 hours (it's been delayed due to coroner being currrently involved) and the physical pain I feel is unbearable.

My friend said to me that the pain we feel is testament to the love and memories we have. And she's right. So all I'm doing is allowing that pain, crying when I need to and trying desperately to smile or laugh at a memory with dad or my boys everytime that sadness becomes overwhelming. 

Just take one day at at time, thinking of you and sending strength.

Tracey x

Hi Tracey,

thank you so much for sending me this message when your Mum has also so recently passed away. To know someone is going through the same is a strange comfort and a comfort I wish none of us had to share. I am so sorry to hear your Mum passed away and her funeral is today, I am thinking of you and can only imagine how you must be dreading today. My Mum is having a direct cremation and then I will arrange a celebration of her life at a later date. You are totally correct when you say the pain we are feeling is a testament to all that love and memories we had and when we love that much the pain of losing them and having a life without them is that much more immense. I really feel at the moment it is not real. I went to collect her Death Certificate today and I feel numb. I know I really want to talk to her, we talked hours every day as we lived together, it was just this easy knowledge of being able to walk in the same room and sit chatting, wow how much I am going to miss those chats. I am sharing your pain and if it is any help if you ever need to chat or share something that may help or just express your sadness then I am here and I will try to support you too. Take care and I know today is going to be so so difficult and sad for you all.

Jane x

Really struggling today, my whole life and routine without my beautiful Mum has gone. Our breakfasts together, for 3 years I gave Mum breakfast in bed on a tray after her first cancer op and just continued it, I sat with her and we enjoyed our breakfast together, chatting for an hour or so. Lunches together, coffee together, supper together, every night for nearly 8 years. Sitting in the garden together in the sun, walking the dog, laughing, hugging, trips to the beach...the list could go on and on and on.

How do we cope with knowing our heart of a person has gone just like that and we will no longer be with them again in this life? Its a question I'm asking myself too much.

I am also starting to feel anger that from when my Mum was diagnosed with stage 4 advanced cancer it was nother 2 months until her appointment with the Oncologist and another week after until starting treatment. How is a 2 month wait to commence cancer treatment acceptable for anyone? Obviously the cancer is not going to stop growing in 9 weeks! I believe my Mum's cancer grew a lot in this time and this will have obviously contributed to the covid causing such devastation. It is just simply not acceptable that people with cancer have to wait so long from being diagnosed to starting treatment, I'm not sure if this is an average wait?

Jane