Hi [@catherine091]‍ 

First of all I just want to say how sorry I am that you've lost your Mum. I can empathise with this as it will be two months tomorrow since I lost my Mum to lung cancer.

I don't have any words of advise for you but I wanted to reply as I'm in a similar position to you. My relationship with my boyfriend has been very up and down since my Mum died and I feel like I haven't been able to grieve fully at times due to the stress of him being unsupportive and insensitive. He's a similar age to your partner (31) and he hasn't experienced the tragedy of losing a parent. I understand that it's difficult to know what to do in this situation but he doesn't ever ask and when I do ask for things he doesn't do them (he sometimes drinks too much which causes arguments so after my Mum died I asked him if he could cut back on his drinking, which he said yes to but then proceeded to continue to drink just as much). There's so much advice online to help those whose partners are grieving but he hasn't taken any time at all to look at this information and that is really hurtful to me.

At the moment I'm trying to just focus on myself and create space but that's difficult when you live with someone. Like you, I'm also making positive changes like going to the gym, getting enough sleep and eating and drinking well. It's frustrating that my boyfriend is doing none of these things and is then irritable and shouts at me, which is the last thing I need right now. It's really difficult trying to grieve whilst dealing with the stress of a potentially failing relationship so I'd be keen to hear from others who may have some advice as well.

Take care,

J xxx

Hello there

Im so sorry about your mum. Your post struck a cord and I wanted to reach out.

It's really difficult for you but also your partner, who has never experienced loss. 

However, there is a lot of information on line in helping a loved one in grief, what to say, what not to say, how to support, how to help you feel safe. 

I can only speak from experience, please don't take my opinion, as people are different. I just wanted to share that you're not on your own. 

I lost my dad, even writing that, it was 3 years ago is still painful.

I was devastated as he was an amazing dad and I really miss him, but the whole family dynamics changed too. Everything just changed.

Some good, some great, some not so great.

When my father died, I don't think I spoke for a few weeks. 

I can remember feeling so much pain, it was awful. 

So unfair, no one should go through it, so quickly too and so young. 

He was told he was terminal in August and he died in December. 

So, it just happened very quickly, he died on my parents wedding anniversary too age 60.

One thing my dad talked to me about was this. He asked me what I'd do, if I was told that I was terminal, what would I do with my life?

I listed everything that I would do..... 

His reply and I will never forget this, was, why are you waiting to be told.... Just do it. 

When he died, I decided not to make any decisions about anything, I made no plans, no changes, I kept everything going and tried to carry on. 

My partner is another story and I can remember feeling such anger towards him, such hate and I planned my exit as soon as I could. As soon as I felt stronger and not when I felt quite vulnerable. Grief makes you vulnerable and scared. 

If he couldn't handle me at my worst, which by the way, I accepted my grief and knew I had to live with grief, he was rude about my dad, he even said at one point, that he didn't understand why I was so upset, as I knew he was ill....... His expectations of me, his constant moaning about rubbish that actually, none of it mattered got on my nerves and the worst of it, is I've been with my partner for years, and he knows how close I was with my dad. 

Little things like, and it seems silly, but the tap broke, my dad was a builder and he would have called immediately to fix it. 

My partner wouldn't do that, which became a bigger leak, which then resulted in the ceiling coming down which just made me feel alone and even more vulnerable. 

 Like you, I went back to work and the gym and I was sure he couldn't stand it, it was all just strange. 

One day, he even packed his things and left....... He actually left because 'he' couldn't cope? He came back but I'd already made up my mind and I had already emotionally detached from him. 

So my decision after about a year, and it's been the best I've ever made, was to leave him. 

I knew at that point, emotionally, I could not rely on him. 

I was in a position, financially that I could, something my dad always made sure I'd be OK. However, I would still have gone. 

We grieve on our own, we own our grief, nothing that anyone can do or say can help YOUR grief BUT you will never forget how people treated you when you needed them. 

I left my partner, it was the right decision too. I'm not saying it's what you do, but I'm just saying be gentle with yourself and try not to make decisions right now. 

Your partner has known you for 4 years, throughout this relationship, your mum has been poorly?. 

You need to think about things very carefully and if your decision is either staying or going. Whichever you decide, make sure its your choice. 

By the way, well done for going back to work, going to the gym and trying your best to carry on. 

Really should be proud of your strength and your mum will be proud of you, because it's what she would want for you. 

Im 43 and have children too, and I didn't leave from spite, I left because I wanted to live my life, just as my dad talked to me about. Life really is just too short. 

If you can, try to book in on your own to see  relate counselling service. They helped me get things straight in my mind and helped me how to talk about things with my partner too. 

I know our lives and relationships are different but that is my story and my dad will be proud of me, I'm living my life, with my children, my dogs, my family and I have no regrets of moving on at all. 

Xx

Hi Lancs1

I just came across this post and so glad I read your reply. I'm so sorry you've also lost your dad and had a tough time getting the support you need. 

I lost my dad in August this year, and he was both my mum and dad in one and I'm so lost and lonely without him, your reply has helped though. When my dad died, my partner (we are engaged) was amazing helping to sort some funeral arrangements etc and helping my brother clear some things from his house...it's now not even been 3 months since my lovely dad has gone, and whilst I think I've been coping well (I cry daily, obviously), doing the cooking, shopping, gone back to work, giving him all the time needed for his own mental health, today I was told I'm not emotionally supportive. I make everything about myself...all because I asked if he'd do the washing up. 
we have a 2 year old that's in nursery in the week so we get little time together but I truly believe I'm emotionally  Supportive to him. But today I was told during his list of things he's down about, that 'you're always upset'. Less than 3 months since my dad has gone. Right now I am overwhelmed in sorting my dads house for selling, have a child, two dogs, work, and I'm trying to process never seeing my amazing dad again, yet I'm told I'm basically an awful partner. 
I want to call off our wedding...my dad is no longer going to walk me down the aisle, I don't have a close family and it's basically a party for his friends and family...he says he doesn't care much for it (during this row today). I just feel like if someone can kick you when you're at your lowest (he was screaming in my ear today (literally) when I asked for him to explain how I don't emotionally support him) what is the point in carrying on. I love him but I'm now questioning his care for me and whether I can truly grieve when I'm with this guy. My dad meant (still does) the world to me and if I didn't have my daughter or his dog, I think I'd end it. 
 

anyway, your post resonated with me, my mum left my dad when I was 20 (I'm now 33) and it hurt us both like crazy. I don't have a relationship with her and my dad has never been someone to give up easily so I think he'd tell me to stick at it...but if he could see the upset my selfish fiancé has caused I think he'd also say like is short especially whilst my daughter is so young. X

Hi, 

I lost my mum approx same time as you. She was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma and died within 6 months. I went down home to her (3.5 hr drive) every 2 weeks. I explained to my hubby what was going on. On one occasion, England was playing in the World Cup. I had explained I needed to go home the same day of the match. He kicked off saying he needed to watch the match child free and that I had seen my mum recently. Another instance was when he wanted to visit his family, I explained I would be seeing mum, I had also explained this to my in Laws who were so understanding. However, my hubby kicked off saying I had seen my mum enough and that his family were mine as well. My mother died 2 months later. So I'm glad I argued against him but resent him so much.

I now have my dad to look after which I don't mind as I owe him so much. However, if I express my grief about mum he also dismisses it saying it's normal to lose a Parent but as a man he doesn't understand a mother and daughter bond. We were best friends and 2 peas in a pod. I'm lost without her. Time isn't healing ️‍