Poor you. Let me offer you this in your deep berievement grief.  

May the sunshine warm you

May the birds sing for you

May the breeze stroke you. 

It must be so awful knowing they are gone - never talking to them again.  Yet they are at now and they want you to feel okay and able to  move to a new life.  Things will good again for you and one day you will able to look back at this time and see healing..

My heart goes out to you Gill and you're family

Steven xx

Hi Gill, I too am new to this forum and in a way I wish I didn't have to be as like you it means I have lost people very close to me. However saying that it has been a great source of support for me. I lost my mum to metastatic melanoma 16 months ago and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and miss her so much. My step-dad died 8 weeks before mum so a terrible time made even harder losing both parents so close. I was 38 when I lost them and feel like I was just too young to be alone. I don't have any grandparents as I only knew one grandad and he died when I was little. I have an auntie, brother and paternal father still alive but have no contact with them so that part is useless for any support to me so I do feel very alone too. I do have an amazingly supportive husband but he can't really know how I feel as thankfully he hasn't lost his parents so it is very lonely trying to cope everyday. I have this week just started some counselling and even after one session I feel more positive than I have done for a long time. I didn't think it was for me but eventually realised that I just couldn't carry on like I was anymore and decided to give it a try and if it helps then great but if not then at least I've given it a go. I don't think you can ever truly 'get over' losing someone close but I do now feel there is a way to learn to live and cope with it in more positive ways. I guess what I'm saying is you're not alone and just take each day as it comes, talk to them often as it helps me to think they are listening. xxxx

Hi Gill

Just wanted to add my welcome to the forum.  Whilst no one would choose to have to be here, it has been a rock for over two years for me.  I lost my Dad 7 years ago (never had living grandparents to talk to) and though considerably older than yourself still think of him often and wish I could 'run things by him' and seek advice.  My Mum lives in care for both physical and mental disorders (I visit weekly but its usually one way chat). 

You are never 'alone' on this site; as  you can see by the responses you have already received others do understand your feelings and you can offload here without embarrassment of anyone passing judgement. We all deal with grieving in different ways (am in early stages myself as lost hubby in January after a 3 year cancer  journey) and perhaps just talking through your feelings on 'paper' will help too. I am very happy to have my virtual buddies to chat to now that I live on my own (hence the rambling, sorry) but am blessed with two adult children, two beautiful grandchildren and a few close friends who help too 'show me there is life after bereavement'.  As much as you miss your loved ones, you carry the memories in your head and heart and no one can take those from you. Sending a virtual hug.Jules x

Thank you Steven for you touching post. It is so moving to know that there is another avenue of support. I even still find myself saying oh mum would like this or I should tell her, then I stop and come crashing to the ground. I really struggle especially near my birthday and christmas, I used to love christmas and get everywhere decorated but now I think why bother. 

Thank you so much and best wishes to you to 

Gill x x x

Hello jd, thank you so much for your lovely message, it really touched me and brougt a tear to my eye as it could have been written by me. My grandad lived to hid 100th birthday and thankfully they both saw it in together even though mum was really ill and had a wheelchair to get around in as she was frail. It was heartbreaking to see her like that as she had always been the rock in our family and now it had to be my turn to step up to the mark. I have like you a couple of aunties left and a brother (who I don't see any more) or have contact with. Again like you I have a very supportive partner of 14years who I love very dearly but doesn't understand as he still has both his parents alive, he says im sure I will find out sooner rather than later and I don't know how I'll cope. You just have to though and find something inside. When I was dealing with mums funeral arrangements I hadn't got a clue where to start, mum had told me what funeral directors she wanted and so I just went to them, the ladies there couldn't have been more lovely. They wrote down what I needed to do and what order. When we lost grandad 2 months later from old age (I think because mum wasn't around and she used to go every week and help him out) they took over and arranged it all as they said I had been through enough. 

Every day is a struggle at the moment x x 

Gill x x 

Hello Jules, thank you for my virtual hug. I send one back to you and send my deepest condolences to you after losing your husband.

Mum was our rock in the family and when she got diagnosed our world just collapsed. I felt so numb and just didn't know what to do, I had to be strong for mum as she needed me more than ever. When the doctors sat us down and said that she had got lung cancer, she just sat and said thats it, it's got me that's it. I gave her the biggest hug that I had in me and said I'll always be her and we will get through this, I love you so very much x x x I have never felt more determined to be the stronger person for her. It was heartbreaking to see her deteriorate infront of my eyes, it just wasn't her. Mum was always active out in the garden, walking most places. There are so many times I've thought mum would love this or I'll get that for her.

I have a few plants of hers as she loved being out in the garden and have kept them alive. 

I just find it so hard as I have a couple of aunties left and a brother who I don't see or have contact with. I miss my mum dad and grandad so much x x x 

Thank you for your lovely message

Hi Gill

Its so sad that you have had so much loss at such a young age.  There is nothing wrong in wishing you could share your life still with Mum Dad and Grandad but you were a wonderful support for your Mum which would have made her journey with cancer less lonely and then suddenly you had to adjust to loss and with no Dad  and your Grandad passing quickly afterwards there was little time for you to grieve as that time.My daughter was in her mid twenties when my Dad died and she misses him still (we were both closer to my Dad than Mum). She is  now 33 (son is 30) and we are struggling together to move through the grieving progress.  You would never want to forget but having to find acceptance has been the early part of the process for me. Personally I still ask (in my head) what hubby would have said/done when I need some answers and then, thinking back, reminds me he was hopeless at making decisions and usually left them to me  - somewhat ironic.

Talking of plants hubby loved dahlias (when younger and not travelling on business he would grow them very successfully) and I have planted some this year. If I am not lucky with them I will buy 'bedding' plants in a few weeks.

 Like you have said yourself watching a loved one suffering with life changing illness is devastating and during his three year journey with cancer of the lung linings (related to asbestos) he was a 'changed man' on the outside but on the inside he dealt with things with a dignity I admired(I was the frustrated and angry one!). Love does not stop because he has passed but the memory of him keeps me going in the knowledge I am doing it for him (as well as for those who love me). I owe him that much. 

Wishing you the strength to cope today (its a cliche but one day at a time is a target). I am working 10-5  and typically the weather in Middlesex is currently beautiful and I am going to be stuck inside grrrr.

Give youself some tlc, take care. Jules 

Hi Jules, it was lovely to see your post, thank you.

I send lots of best wishes to you and your daughter and son. I like you were always closer to my dad than my mum but when mum became ill we got so much closer. I can remember it all still so vividly, it all started when she tripped on a paving slab and broke her arm. They eventually had to pin it so mum had to go into hospital to have a pin and a plate put in, this meant that she would be in plaster and a sling! Oh dear I thought, mum had (I feel shamful for saying this) always been at home to cook for us and tea was always ready for us when we got home from school and then work. The thought of having to learn to cook frightened me as mum had always done it and I felt like I was treading on her toes but I had to learn very quickly. I started off doing very basic things but it brought us closer together. I figgered that she couldn't do anything so she would have to let it go.

It was after she had had it pinned and plated that they took an xray to check it had gone well and thats when they found the shadow on her lung. It was a friday morning and I had just popped in quickly to take some more clothes in before I started work, they asked me in the corridor if I could stay, I said I was supposed to be due at work but I could ring them and tell them that id be later so I stayed.

I was in there on my  own with mum and thats when we were told. It was horrifying to hear that your mum has cancer. After being in the side room for what seemed forever they said I could stay so said to mum I would be back as I had to ring work and let them now. I told the duty manager and broke down in tears, he said he didnt want to see me at work or hear from me until at least tues. The phonecall to my other half was really distressing, I sobbed and said mum and me have just been told she has lung cancer.  mum only had 6 months after that day. She passed away 9th sept 2012 a day before dads anniversary as we lost him on the 10th sept.

All I could think of then was grandad, how would he cope at 99 years of age after losing his son as a baby, his daughter, wife 10years ago and now his only daughter has cancer

I have never found so empty

x x x x I thank you for listening x x x x 

I hope you are doing ok, love gill

Hi Gill

Cannot believe it, just composed a reply and then lost it all for some reasons grrrrr. Here goes with second attempt.

I see  you were burning the midnight oil (remember doing that a lot!) when you posted but hope that in some small way it has helped to talk your feelings through.  I have found the form 'listens' well and there is a lot of understanding here. It must have been a considerable shock to learn about your Mum's cancer diagnosis in that way. My hubby's situation was different in that he had a persistent chest infection and his boss finally sent him for a private medical (he told me afterwards!!!) which led to referral. Three months of check ups, scans and biopsy followed by consultation (hubby would not let me go along so I waited at home -awful time) which revealed he had terminal Mesothelioma.  He was offered and accepted palliative chemotherapy and we had the emotional task as parents to break the  news to the family. Lots of tears, frustrations and anger (but quiet acceptance by hubby and the instructions that he would not talk about it and that I would act as go between for as long as it took). His journey with cancer took almost three years and it was not easy to observe and must have been even worse for him.

'Doing ok' is probably a good way to describe how I am just now. Grieving is so different for everyone and I do not think there is a right or wrong way to feel as its all very personal. I do find it more difficult to concentrate on things for any length of time (frustrating as I loved to read and have only managed one book in the last four months!) and emotions come and go at will (going with the flow has a whole new meaning).  Keeping busy helps day to day and hubby's GP has taken me under her wing (I had never seen her as its a group practice) and will see her this morning after a two month break (she has my blood results for cholesterol levels to discuss which I am dreading!!!) and its good to know the support is out there if required.

There is  no need to thank me for listening; its what the forum does best and you are, probably without even realising it, returning the favour. Somehow chatting to 'virtual strangers' makes it easier to express the feelings we go through. Please do not feel ashamed about how you have felt in the past (or n ow for that matter) your Mum would have totally understood and told you 'not to be silly' I am sure. You had been a wonderful help and support to  her and whatever you do, where-ever you are, you carry her love in your heart and no one can take that away.  Hoping you can find some peace within yourself in the days ahead but the forum is always here to listen and do n ot be afraid to ask for outside support to help you cope if needs be. Take care. Jules (with fingers crossed this post makes it through!)

Hi Jules, your message did come through.

I hope you are ok and your doctors appointment went well with no bad news, I have been keeping my fingers crossed. I have the day off today and thought id post in the daylight. I have evenings like that where I just lay awake and things just keep going round around in your head. I really do wish you good news.

Your husband was a very lucky man to have you, you sound very caring and did everything you could. 

Mum also had chemotherapy at the macmillian ward and then radiotherapy, it was so hard to see her go through it all, she just got weaker and weaker ending up a shadow of who she was. We had to make the dreadful dissision of getting mum into a care home as we just couldnt care anymore for her at home. We had carers coming in everyday but it was the inbetween times that I found the hardest, was she alright, had something happened, would I end up with a phone call saying they had to take her to hospital. It was such a worry, we did have marie curie nurses quite a few times in the evenings as they stayed over so I could get some sleep. It was so nice and comforting to now there was someone there to help if mum felt really bad as she never wanted to wake me up as she knew I had work even though I said it didnt matter, it did to her. The care home is where she passed away, it was 3.34am on the sunday morning. I had been to see her on the saturday (in fact I went twice that day) . She wasnt really with it but the nurses said that she knows you are there just talk to her, it felt so strage because she wasnt answering me but did grunt ad smile so I just kept going. We always had rabbits at home and when I stood at the window I told her what the rabbits were doing. I had verbal diarrhoea that day.  When the phone rang early hours of sunday my heart sank, I just knew it wasnt going to be good news, I sat bolt upright on the edge of my bed and just sobbed my heart out. It was awful as I was at home on my own, I lived there with my brother and mum and he had gone out for the evening, I just found myself running around the house shouting for him. I then phoned my partner (who didnt live very far away, we were saving for a house) he said to me he knew as soon as the phone rang what had happened as he answered very quickly. I couldnt say much to him, I felt frozen. I did finally get hold of my brother and spoke to him all the way on his way home. I rang our auntie and she came to pick us up, she had been great aswell as she had had mum on a couple of occasions when we needed sleep. We then went to see mum, she looked so peaceful with her favourite headscarf and pjamas. It was such a relief to see her free from pain.

The staff manager who I spoke to alot said that was a nurse with mum right up until she passed away so she wasnt alone, that made me happy. I didnt feel guilty I wasnt there because I had been there just the night before. That memory is always there.

I do think it helps talking to others who have been in the same situation.  

Thank you x x I wish you all the best and hope to hear that you are doing ok still soon

Gill