I've never really written this down before, always thought no one would want to hear it, didn't want to burden anyone else or feel like I was winging. Writing it down also makes it more real when all I want to do is push the pain away. I'm 32 now and I feel like since I was 7 years old my life as been just one long tale of loss. So much so I don't have any room left to grieve all my feelings have gone numb and I feel paralysed by them. I suppose I just want to know if anyone has been through the same and speak to ppl who understand. 

When I was 7 my godmother passed away from cancer, I remember going to see her, she had no hair. My mum was crying but back then I didn't understand I just remember going to her house and asking where she was, mum sitting me down and telling me she was with the angels. My mum was always able to comfort me, she had the most wicked laugh you could imagine which lit up the room. She would give anyone her last penny if she knew it would help them. She had a awful temper though! I think i got that bit from her!  When I was 9 my mum started getting migraines which slowly got worse until 2 years later she was finally diognosed with a brain tumor, a secondary to a very rare form of cancer to this day I still can't pronounce. I remember her telling me I didn't have to go to school that day, it was a hot sunny day so we sat out on the swinging chairs in her immaculate garden that she cherished. A nurse was there walking around at the top of the graden which i though was weird amd she asked me ti go and get the picture albulms. Me being 9 moaned at this but when we startes looking through she told me all the storys of when i was smaller which ive now forgotten. She then gave me a huge hug and said one day she wasnt going to be here but id alway be in her heart. Ill never forget that day because we bith cried together holding eachother for hours. This shook my world, to lose my mum at 9 when I was just becoming a young woman leaving me without a mother figure in my life  it made it so hard to integrate and relate to other girls, I felt different somehow because life to me was now so fragile. Things like boys and fashion held no meaning to me. I got bullied all through high school because I was different, rejected and excluded from love and friendship. From there my grandad died followed by my grandma then my other grandad, my boyfriend in a tragic accident the first love of my life or should I say school girl crush. He fell into water tower and knocked himself out. He was only 19 years old. Later my dad and i came to move in with my nan as she needed looking after which was not a good time for me, I used to consider myself Cinderella because that's the way she treated me. I was still close to my uncle and auntie and cousin who came to visit often and that gave me some solice. Some years later my uncle contracted cancer later dying in his 40's, my nan died and I moved out. My dad then moved away and I didn't see him for a long time. The only family members I had left were my auntie and brother. Looking for more family I got in touch with my uncle from my mum's side and used to go and visit him and my cousin often. My cousin was alot younger than me but he had such an old soul. We got on straight away and he promised to come a visit. We stayed up all night listening to music and putting the world to rights, I felt like I'd really found my people, until one day 3 days after I had seen them I heard the tragic news, that my cousin commited suicide by jumping off a cliff, he was only 16 years old! I didnt see it coming at all, i felt so guilty, maybe if i had noticed..... From there I found out my brother had pancreatic cancer and my auntie had breast cancer my world was crumbling around me. After 4 years and a long hard struggle my brother recently passed away at 45 2 months before my dad got back. Me and my brother had grown so close in the last 10 years he had finally began to feel like real family, we made plans together, partyed together oh and did he know how to party. I went and saw him a couple of hours after he passed seeing him lay there so still not breathing made me feel cold inside he wasn't in there anymore but he was finally free from pain. Later that week i heard my auntie had gone into remission however in the same week I heard my other uncle had died of heart attack. I was angry at my dad for leaving but that's a whole different story. But we became close again recently. He came back to England as he was getting stomach pains. I took him to the doctors who said it was acute pancreatitis. He recently had a bad attack leaving him severely dehydrated and in hospital where they ran more tests. I was called into a room when I came to see him my heart Pounding because I had been here before. "Your dad has pancreatic cancer" they told me. And that was 3 days ago. I don't know how to feel, angry, upset, sad, worried.....guilt. I feel everyone I get close too passes away. I can feel myself slowly clossing off from everything and everyone around me because I just don't want to be hurt anymore. Right now I just need to concentrate on my dad but it's terminal and I just don't know what I'm going to do as he has always been my rock. The only person after mum died that's loved me unconditionally, I feel so alone but somehow through all of this I've managed to stay strong, I've survived and I'll keep surviving