Hi Liz, I'm so sorry your Mom is ill with this terrible disease. It sure doesn't pick favorites and the devastation it causes to loved ones is really hard. I hope you are able to see a counsellor real soon as I think it will help you to be able to talk with someone about all the thoughts and feelings that you struggle with. I know that you are dreading the day when your Mom will die, but on the other hand, you really don't want to see her continue to suffer. It really is a catch 22 situation. Try not to look too far ahead and just take each day as it comes. It really can be overwhelming if you try to think about what you have yet to face. Just be with her for as much time as you can manage. I'm sure she appreciates you being there for her. Come on to the forum and express your fears and frustrations in writing and before long someone will respond. People on here know and understand how hard this is as most of us have been through it.

Sending you a hug.

Lorraine  

Hi Liz

No one chooses tojoin this forum but it is a very supportive place to be when you are faced with such devasting news of losing a loved one to Cancer.  I am older than you but lost my Dad to cancer over 6 years ago so can understand some of your fears and frustratiions.  I am also going through the journey with my husband who is also terminally ill with cancer.  Lorraine has given some good advice in trying to cope on a day to day basis as I find looking ahead means I cannont 'make the most of today'.  It is very hard watching loved ones struggle with this rotten disease but just by being you are making her time special.  Words are not always necessary but a hug can bring comfort to you both.  Our children are a little older than you but still draw on friends and each other to find the strength to cope.  Sadly we all have to face this journey together.  If you Mum has a MacMillan nurse then she will be able to support the family as well and if not then seek help from  your own GP who will be able to put you in contact with counsellors if you think this would help you.  In the meantime the forum has many listening ears and you can speak freely which sometimes helps with the anxiety - I find writing it down is of great benefit and you do not feel so alone.  Jules - sending a virtual hug too

hi

Thank you for responding to my post. I defiantly feel the catch 22 situation as I never want her to go however I also don't want her to have a long drawn out few months where she is suffering. I know she is fed up and she tries to stay strong for us but I know she is really scared of what lies ahead for her. I sometimes wish it was over so she was at peace and that we don't have to be strong for her anymore. But then I feel guilty for thinking this. I sometimes just want to hide away from everyone but again feel guilty that I'm not there helping her and my dad. I guess you just have to do as much as you can but will always be left wondering if you did enough and if you did the right thing. When you are told the news no one tells you what you should feel or should do and I suppose that's because you just have to do the best you can do. I really hope I get to the top of the counselling list soon.

You are right though writing things down does help. I defiantly find it hard to look ahead and you have no way of planning anything in the future. I find it hard when friends and other family members talk about holidays and birthdays that are planning for later next year and I don't feel like a can make any plans even though mum has said she wants me to have things to look forward to.

Thanks again for posting to me :)

hello Jules thanks for replying to my post. Yes my mum has a McMillan nurse though I have never met her. She has helped my mum thou, she has got a wheelchair and things fitted in the house to help her out. I have been to my GP and currently on coping for cancers waiting list for counselling.  Have you been to counselling  or any support groups and if so did you feel that they have helped you?

I defiantly think the only way you can cope is just by taking each day as it comes as I really struggle to look forward.

thanks again liz :)

Hi Liz

I personally have not had specific counselling but my husband has a very good supportive palliative care team and GP whom we are in touch with regularly.  Its a little different for me as I have been fully involved since husband was first diagnosed in Feb 2012 and now feel extremely lucky that he is still with us though we do not have a definitive time line.  We have nurses visiting twice a week at present and see GP once a month as well as consultant every 2/3 months until situation changes.  I joined this forum some time ago and find it very supportive and in turn like to offer support to others where appropriate.  Just talking helps to 'sort the head out' during what is a very difficult journey.  We do still make plans in the future and have always said no one really knows when something may happen to them, so we do have outings/meals that we may or may not attend depending on circumstances but friends and relatives are fully aware of our journey and life cannot be put on hold indefinitely.  We have two children and two grandchildren and enjoy hearing and seeing what they are up to.  A phone call is all is takes if we need them and I am sure your Mum would love to hear what you are doing (my hubby is not a talker but continues to enjoy hearing everyone else's news (says its helps with 'normality').

Our local hospice offers support for sufferers, relatives and carers alike and have a drop in area where you can just relax and chat with very understanding staff - wonder if you might have something similar in your area? 

Sorry for the ramble but the forum is here if and when you want to express how you feel or just ask for information.  Virtual hugs  Jules x

Dear Liz, 

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I am 33 years old and lost my dad to cancer in July. It is such a tough journey and it sounds like you are doing everything to support your mum and dad. I felt everything you are feeling, as much as you want them to stay with you, you also don't want to see them suffer. I think it is good advice to not think too far ahead and take each day as it comes, it is very overwhelming and it feels like you have stepped out of your own life and wish that all was normal again. I too felt that everyone else was planning exciting things and all I wanted was to see my dad well again and not be going through such an awful time. All you can do is be there as much as you can but also don't feel that you are alone. 

Please get in touch if you have any questions or just want to off load. It is amazing how we cope at such a difficult time and you will find strength to get through it. 

Thinking of you and your family. 

Take care

Emma x

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I'm 25 and my mum was diagnosed two months ago with terminal cancer, stage 4 lung cancer spread to her brain and liver. She had a gene mutation test done which she has so is on a drug instead of chemo for her lungs and liver, the oncologist wasn't sure she would even be well enough for chemo so it's a blessing, she's completed radiotherapy on her brain, three weeks tomorrow she had her last bit. Her hairs starting to come out now in clumps, mentally she's doing and saying weird things due to the tumours on the brain. As they are (hopefully) shrinking she's becoming more aware of what's going on so crying more, a catch 22 of as she gets better emotionally it's harder for her. 

I've gone into a robot mode, the woman (I'm a single parent with a three year old, my sister lives in Australia, my parents are divorced dad in America) who picked me up when I left my daughters dad, she had my daughter when I went back to work so spent huge amounts of time with her, cared for my grandad with Alzheimer's and is my only immediate family who can help me is dying. I've cried a bit I've become emotionless mainly, I don't know how to feel I'm terrified. Your always too young to lose your mum but I still feel like a child in many ways. I don't want to see her suffer but I am so scared of losing her. I've quit work to look after her as she can't be left on her own as the brain tumours have a huge impact on her ability to function normally. With that and caring for my daughter and my grandad I feel like I'm staring into a black hole. I'm angry, sad, feel like giving up myself. But it's now down to me to hold the family I've got left together. Half of me wants it over quickly for her sake but I don't want her to go, every emotion I have I have another counter acting it. I hope you and your family get some comfort eventually. Life is cruel, I'm not usually religious, but this has made me question everything and the only comfort I can get in this is god or any higher being takes the best. It doesn't answer why my mum and not someone else or why let her suffer like this but it gives me some peace to think that. Take care xx

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to hear so many other people are affected by this cruel disease. I stumbled across this website the other day when looking things up about my dads cancer and it's only til today that I saw the first post and it sounded exactly like my life. It's difficult to imagine that there are people out there who are feeling the same way as me but it does help to know that everything I'm feeling is normal.

I'm nearly 25 and at the end of February we found out my dad has terminal cancer. It was a shock to the system but in some ways I was expecting it as much as you can when you hear them words. At the end of last year, around oct/nov he had being going through some health issues and told he had gall stones. He had an operation to remove these (him and my mum knew that there was a risk it could be cancer but remained hopeful and kept this to themselves). The operation went well, the infection from the gall bladder was bad and had spread to his liver, then a few weeks later he went back to the dr/surgeon for the results of the operation, it was after this meeting they told myself and my older brother and sister that the surgeon had found cancer cells but we're confident that they had got it all. They sent him for further tests to confirm this and just before Christmas he got the all clear. 

Then over the Christmas holidays and weeks after he developed a pain in his shoulder. Our local Dr didn't think much of it, he got put on different pain killers and then it got so bad he decided to speak to a private Dr feeling frustrated at not getting anywhere with our usual one. It was just after this and some tests that he got told he cancer had 'come back' (he obviously wasn't all clear) and had spread to his bone.

I'm quiet confused about the type of cancer but it's not as specific as liver and even the Drs don't seem clear on where it has spread to, being told it was in the bone, then his blood. I'm not too bothered about specifics all I know if they said he has months left and that's what matters to me. He had radiotherapy on his should to he the pain and started chemo. However he had one session of chemo and wasn't well enough of the next the following week. He then had another lot last week and again wasn't well enough for the following one. Does anyone know how this affects it?

He's a strong man and we are a strong family. He loves working and everyone has tried to keep as normal as we can. We are all scared, especially my mum. I don't really know how to carry on living my life without feeling selfish all the time or upsetting someone. I feel angry a lot of the time and sad. I have great friends and a fantastic boyfriend but I just feel like there's not way to plan from one day to the next. I was an ing on moving out and postponed this when we found out but it's something I want to do and want my dad to be around for but I feel like my parents won't understand this and that my dad will worry about my mum being on her own after he's gone (I'm the last child left living at home). I feel conflicted then stupid for spending time worrying about this when my dad must have a million things running through his mind.

Does anyone have any advice or understand. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Charlie

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry to hear how many of you are going through this pain. My wonderful mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in April 2010, just at the same time I found out I was pregnant with my first son. She underwent chemo and radiotherapy and did well with the treatment. She continued on as though it was normal and, to this day, I have never heard her complain or ask 'why me?' Once.  My father, who worked hard all his life took unwell very suddenly in Novemver 2012 and passed away within 5 days of being in hospital. It was such a shock to the whole family, here we were watching out for mum and dad passed so suddenly. Then, in July 2014, just after I had my 12 week scan with my second son, mum started coughing up blood.  To cut a long story short, the cancer was growing again and the subsequent chemo and radiotherapy hasn't worked. Mum is now getting palliative care and it breaks my heart to see my wonderful mum and best friend deteriorate before my eyes.  I have a great family and lots of support but I am just not coping well with this final stage. I try to be strong in front of mum but otherwise I am constantly bursting into tears, feel very scared and isolated. I dread what's coming next and just don't think I will be able to cope.  Thank you for listening 

Hello Maria

Its a very hard place you find  yourself in just now but I have found the forum a great place to share feelings especially when you are trying to be so strong for your Mum (I found it easier chatting here during my husband's cancer journey).  I do not think anyone knows where the strength comes from but somehow we do cope with what we are facing and your Mum, like  your late Dad, will live on in your heart when her time comes.  Crying is an emotion which gives us release and there is nothing wrong with being upset and I too have been overwhelmed by the support of family and friends during such difficult days. You have a lot going on with new family to care for as well as being there for your Mum who is receiving palliative care (my husband had this for nearly three  years as we knew from the beginning that it was terminal). If you feel you need extra help to cope then do see your GP and talk it through as there is support you can receive as a family member.  Nothing I can say can make it any easier but the forum does offer a place to offload amongst people who understand your feelings just now.  Sending a virtual hug.Jules