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Looking for advice to help brother understand dad is unwell

Midori134
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hi everyone, my dad was diagnosed about a year ago with stage four cancer. He is going strong after a round of chemo, he is now on his second round and things are going ok. My brother is 18 months older than me but insists that dad is okay. Our grandfather had the exact same cancer and unfortunately he died. My brother wasn’t around during dads first round of chemo which saw him being really unwell and having lost two stone, he is now back after being in england and he has seen dad at his best which I think is why he seems to think that dad is fine. It is although he is in denial and I don’t want him to struggle and deal with it on his own but I’m not sure if he understands that stage four is not good, our dad has even tried to tell him but again he insists dad is ok. 

Any help appreciated

Thanks

Midori

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    Hello midori and welcome to the forum.

    I am sorry that in addition to your own sorrow about your father's diagnosis you are also worrying about your brother's inability to accept the reality of what is happening.  I have attached a section of this website which deals with denial (forgive me if you have already seen this).

    If your father has not been able to get through to him and has told your brother how unhelpful it is for him to continue in denial there may not be a great deal you can do at present.  His fear has set up a big barrier against the knowledge of your father's condition.    MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) might be worth contacting as I am sure they have a great deal of experience with denial.  Also you can of course ring the nurses here (Freefone 0808 800 4040 - office hours).  Annie

    www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../shock-denial

  • Hello Midori,

    I belong to the nurse enquiry team and have been asked to take a look at your post.

    I am very sorry to hear that your dad is having treatment for advanced cancer.  I expect this is taking its toll on you.

    I think we all process things like this differently. Some people grasp the picture very quickly and it takes others a while to see what is happening and then come to terms with it, but they get there in the end. I am not sure if it will help, but there is a section about coping emotionally with cancer on our website at this link (this is where the page about denial sits). 

    There is so much uncertainty about what lies ahead for someone with an advanced cancer. Much depends on how well their cancer responds to treatment which isn’t possible to predict. I think the uncertainty can make it more difficult to understand what is going on.  Many people cope by taking a one day at a time approach and not looking too far ahead.

    In truth, I am not sure what else you can do other than try and explain things to your brother, be quite clear about what you are saying and let him know that you are there for him.

    Give us a call if you want a chat on 0808 800 4040. We are here from Monday to Friday from 9 am to 5pm.

    Best wishes,

    Julia

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