Hi there ...and welcome ...

I think you have to feel really low, at some point .. weather it's right away, a month, a year or more..  at some point you have to take stock of this rollercoaster journey we find our selfs on ..

You have by the sound of it, come through everything with a positive outlook, which must have helped you through .. but no one I have chatted to has gone through this without, feeling lost, angry or confused..   it's like grieving that once you have cancer, we stop looking ahead too far .. there's always a question mark over our heads ...

I've had very few hard days, but those I've had , I've let those thoughts and feelings all out (On my own) but said o.k I feel sad/angry/ lost/ confused or just plain needing a good cry .. and once I tell myself it's o.k to feel any thing .. it's o.k to want to cry, it's o.k to shut my self away (after explaining just need to do this and I'll be fine)  then I feel ready to take on whatever the next day has in store .. coz I let it out .. 

And I've got an amazing family and life too, but on a few occasions I need to think about how I feel, that's why l love this site, we've all been there at one time or another ..

So your are just being human, instead of trying to be superman ...  chrissie x

Hi 14Nmacp,

I too have myeloma, diagnosed in October 2016 and I can empathise entirely.

I'm fortunate that I have some cognitive impairment and this, combined with ongoing meds, in particular the anti-depressant duloxetine, has rendered me incapable of worry or any sort of pondering. I cannot hold a negative thought for more than a couple of seconds.

As such, I can observe things from a 'step back', almost unemotionally. Having said all that, I too have days, or parts of days, when I have low mood. A rare display of anger has triggerred it before but usually, I can see no trigger.

I recall when I was told that I was in remission; my daughter couldn't understand why my wife and I were not elated.

And so to your problem. It should be recognised that your body has been through a traumatic experience, an injury if you like, in having the recent operation. You have suffered physical and mental stress and your body will have altered its chemistry accordingly.

And having myeloma, there's always the knowledge that, at some point, it will return and we're likely to need treatment after treatment, procedure after procedure. The stress is cumulative.

All moods, emotions and thoughts are actually changed and changing brain chemistry.

I think that your low mood will either change over time or that it could be changed by taking a suitable ant-depressant.

I note that when I've had an operation, immediately post op, I have an 'ill' phase', where everything is about the op and immediate recovery; getting the bloods right, having fluids or antibiotics etc. And then one day, it's as if a switch has been turned on. On one occasion for me, it was a hospital dinner of liver and mashed potatoes. And it really was like a switch. I could suddenly mobilise better and immediately wanted to go home. I've noticed such 'switching' on other occasions but have not recognised the trigger.

You might find that forcing yourself to do stuff, such as seeing a grandkid or going out for a special meal might be the trigger. Something that you can find satisfying, above the norm.

If the feelings are becoming prolonged, then I think it's really worth it to pursue the line of anti-depressants. I consider mine a miracle drug. I really wish I could get over to people how helpful they can be and get rid of whatever stigma stops people from taking them. Remember, what you're feeling could actually be clinical depression, hopefully in mild form.

I hope some of that can be of help, even if it's only by someone being able to empathise. I wish you well.

Best Regards

Taff

Hi there,

You have been through the mill and sometimes it takes time to catch up with us, it can even take years especially when you have had so many positive things going on as well.  The hardest thing for our brain is actually the up and downs though, it can cope better just with downs than it can going from one extreme to the other so often.  Also, given how long you have fought for good health it is no wonder that at some points you might lose that fight for a while (I reckon you'll get it back given how you've coped so far).

Anyway, I hate to say it, but might it just be that you need something medical to help you through this?  i.e. have you considered that you could have depression?  It is common to get depression with regular and/or chronic illness and while I realise some people still have very outdated views on depression it is safe to say no-one is immune from it.  If it's mild then talking therapies and mindfulness can help but moderate to severe does usually require medication (save for being able to remove the cause which, in your case, you're working on).

Depression doesn't care what your life is like, it can kick in at its most extreme when your life is going great (as it did with me).  You can waste time trying to find reasoning behind it but there is none save for likely an accumulation of all the things you have been through over the years.

I know it's not easy to go onto medication for depression, it took me having a complete breakdown at 24 and becoming catatonic to accept pharmaceutical help.  However, I can honestly say I have never looked back.  I won't claim it's an easy ride, it takes a bit of time to find the right solution for each individual, but I know I wouldn't be here without them.

Please consider going to see your GP.

Best wishes,

LJ