hi [@Justme774]‍ 

I am very sorry for you, your mum and everything you went through and are going through. Your mum's death to cancer reflects mine exactly. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March and died 5 weeks later in April. I was shocked by the diagnoses and deeply saddened and traumatised by what happened after. The cancer spread so quickly after the diagnoses that my once proud, stoical mum gave into it quickly whilst I, as her carer, had to be strong for her. We never got the chance to talk about things, and that haunts me.

Please do not be hard on yourself, what you are going through is a part of the grieving process. I know exactly how you are feeling, but there was nothing you could have done that would have saved your mum - cancer is a horrible, unrelenting disease.

I also did not have anyone to talk to, or at least there was no one (including my brother) I felt understood what I was going through when mum got sick, and after she died.

I did, however, reach out for bereavement counselling and was put on a 6-week programme. It helped tremendously with my mental health because we need someone to talk to and those people are professionals. May I suggest you contact your GP about counselling or/and contact the people at https://www.cruse.org.uk/.

Please do not feel 'ashamed' about what you are going through, you've been through a hell of a lot and it has turned your life upside down.

Stay strong - I and all the people here are here for you should you need to talk more.

xxx

Dan

Welcome to the Cancer Chat community Justme774 although I'm so sorry about your mum. You clearly had a very strong bond and to lose someone you were so close to just a few weeks after her diagnosis must have been very tough. 

Understandably, grief and loss can bring about many thoughts and feelings but if you ever find yourself becoming overwhelmed or struggling to cope, do try and reach out for some support. Your GP can offer a lot of help at this time and can help you work through your feelings of self harm. They may also suggest bereavement counselling. Some of our members - such as Dncinuk above - have found this to be a great source of comfort when working through their grief so if you feel this may help, do get in touch with Cruse to find out more. Also, for those times of the day or night when no-one is around and you just want to talk to someone about how you're feeling, do give the Samaritans a call on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and they will always be there to listen and offer support.

Grief is so complex and personal Justme774 so please try not to be so hard on yourself for how you're feeling or what you're going through and remember, you are not alone.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hey

I know exactly how you feel. My mum went into hospital last year in July with breathing problems and a week later we were told it was cancer. It took about another week until we found out it was pancreatic cancer. I live an 8 hour drive from home but drove off home pretty much immediately. I moved back home in September. She passed in March. My Mum had been a single parent from when I was 5 and was a fighter and just got everything done with a smile on her face. She was such a happy person. I miss her positive energy, in particular as I can be more on the negative side. All I ever wanted was to give back what she had given my brother and I during our childhood.

I'm 32 and pretty much lost now. I have tried speaking to friends, but they still all have both of their parents and don't seem to understand. I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago, but they all just got annoyed that I didn't call. I think the worst thing about the situation for me is knowing that I am no longer a priority for anyone. I could call my Mum day and night, but now I just have to deal with it on my own and it's pretty messed up!

I don't mean to burden you, but just show that I kind of understand that dreadful hole that you're feeling inside. I wish I could tell you how to feel better x

Hi, Dan  

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful message, especially when you must be in so much pain having lost your Mum so recently. It's hard losing your Mum under any circumstances but particularly to such a  horrible illness. I do really empathise with you and fell for you especially as you had to go on this journey alone. 
It's strange isn't it, the world carries in as normal whilst you are on this crazy inner rollercoaster of emotions. 
I'm glad you have been able to find help in counselling. I know friends think they are sparing you the heartache but really you just want someone to ask and just listen. 
To be honest, it's just helped to come here and write it down. I especially appreciate hearing from people with similar experiences, it makes you feel not so "alone". So, thank you so much.  
 

Thank you, Steph. 
I think at times I just feel so overwhelmed and still in shock even though it was some months ago. Then I will have quite normal days and feel myself again. 
I am really appreciative of forums such as this, as generally I'm quite a private person so would struggle with going to counselling. It's "comforting", if that's the right word, to know you're not alone. Thank you. 

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mum, she sounds an incredible person, and no, it's not a burden at all. I really feel quite privileged to read other people's stories.

Must be so very tough for you and I can understand you feeling so lost, especially as you were brought up by your Mum alone, so you must have been close. You certainly sound like you "gave back", moving back home and caring for her. I'm sure she was appreciative and deeply proud of you. 

Pancreatic cancer is such a cruel illness and seeing what it does to someone you love is incredibly heartbreaking. I think even the most well meaning friends don't really understand. Their lives move on whilst you are stuck in limbo trying to make sense of your life and what's happened. In all honesty, a year ago if this had happened to one of my friends, I wouldn't have really understood either so I try not to be too hard on them. 
I'm so sorry you feel so alone in this. I too, wish there was something more I could do to help. I must admit, just being "here" being able to talk to people with similar experiences has really helped me. 
 

Perhaps you are right and I shouldn't be too hard on them. I'm just havibg some issues showing them that I do not want to talk about my feelings with them without insulting anyone.

I have to say though that reading stories like yours has made me come closer to understanding my feelings. I believe I still have a long way to go and am just trying to get through the day. I do feel my limbo has been getting worse since being on antidepressants and will talk to my GP next week. I am grateful however that they have given me a chance to regain a sleep routine (or at least going to bed at a reasonable hour). I am considering seeing a therapist but am not sure whether I am quite ready just yet. It feels like the kind of commitment I might not be ready to make

I'm sure your true friends will understand. They probably want to help but just don't know how. 

It encouraged me that you said reading my story had helped in some way. I guess it just helps that other people understand the rollercoaster you are on and that it's normal to feel these feelings. Although, it can be scary at times to feel such an array of emotions. 

I think there a lot of counselling options, just do what you feel is right for you. Perhaps your GP can advise? 

The hardest part of grief I have found is feeling so alone and that people don't really understand. That's why chatting here is quite reassuring and comforting. Happy to listen.

I actually spoke to someone on another thread and they are doing therapy sessions online. I am going to have a look into that, as I am not quite sure, if I could even open up to a complete stranger. But perhaps having a virtual barrier will give me the safety I need. I have stopped seeing people in their homes or mine, as it's been making me feel trapped and have been trying to get people to grab a coffee and go for a walk. 

I read so much online about friendships and grieving. A lot of them do say that you will unfortunately realise that some friends just aren't the friends you thought they were and that other less significant friends may actually be really supportive. I have experienced both during the last few months. It's hard, but I guess this is just part of this terrible experience. I have started some kind of friendship with a few of my Mum's friends and yes it's hard, but I do enjoy being able to share memories with them, as they really knew her.

That’s very brave of you. It’s bound to feel awkward at first but maybe in some ways it’s easier to talk to a “stranger” than a friend. I suppose for me, I might have more expectations of a friend and that can be frustrating and hurtful if you feel like they are not really “listening”. Also, the counsellor will be a trained professional and will be more familiar with what you’re going through. I guess too, having the “barrier” of the screen can make you feel “safe” as you say and it’s not so intrusive as being face to face with someone in a strange place. 

I know what you’re saying about friends. I’ve had good and bad surprises. Some friends have really come through and I have been hurt by other's, what almost feels like, indifference after the funeral was over. I try not to dwell on it as I don’t want to get bitter. I find it helps to try to see it from where they are at and appreciate some people have busy lives. I am not making excuses for them, just trying to focus on the positive and appreciate those friends who have been supportive. 

I think that’s lovely that you’ve started to get to know some of your Mum’s fiends. My journey may be different to yours but for me personally I love to be able to talk about my Mum. I don’t want to forget her and it feels like she’s still here when I can remember her. What makes me sad is when people try and avoid talking about her, I guess they think they are sparing me the pain but I don’t want her to be “erased.”