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Life is ****

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Life is ****

4 Feb 2023 13:45

I am sorry to swear but this life is so beyond ****. I love my dad more than anything in the whole world and I need and want him more than anything to magically be healthy again but it's just so so so hard to be strong, I don't know how to do it. I am a 20 year old girl who has always been the biggest daddy's girl, he is my world. The thought of him not being here just doesn't make sense in my head, wherever he goes I am going with him. I know I need to seek some sort of help, I know I do but I am not priority. I can't even go to the shops with him without crying, he can hardly walk now or he chooses not to. I keep nagging at him to do these things because how will he ever get better sitting in front of a Tv and eating junk, he won't. I honestly wish I could take that tumour out of him and put it right into me, if I could do it I would I would take it in a heartbeat without a single second of doubt. I hate this life and I just want it to end, I've not felt any form of happiness in the past year. He was diagnosed on the 20th of January 2022 and I don't think I will ever forget that day. I feel so selfish for even feeling the way I do but I just don't know how to help myself so I can help my dad. I'm sorry I know no one can help here but sometimes it's just easier to put words on a page than speak to someone. It's tough, life is really tough I just wish things were different. That's all

Life is ****

4 Feb 2023 14:39 in response to savingmyfather

Hello Savingmyfather

I'm so very sorry to hear that your Dad's health is deteriorating. Undoubtedly this is an incredibly difficult time for you both and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and lost at the moment. 

You mention in your post that you know you need some sort of help but that you're not a priority. I think from the relationship that you've described having with your Dad that he would be upset to hear you describe yourself in this way. Yes, your Dad is the patient here and is the one who has this cancer diagnosis but you, and your health, are just as important and I'm sure that your Dad would want you to reach out and find some support to help you. 

I'd certainly recommend speaking with your GP about how you're feeling. I'm sure that they will be able to help but I also wanted to give you the link to an organisation called Maggie's that offers support to people who have a loved one affected by cancer. It may be that you have a centre local to where you live that you can reach out to for support. 

There are times when these thoughts and emotions can feel overwhelming and I wanted to remind you that if you ever feel this way you can contact the Samaritans 24/7 365 days a year. They are always available with a listening ear. 

You've taken the first step in asking for help and support by posting here on the forum today. Contact your GP and Maggie's next week. Take that next step in helping yourself manage all that you're going through at the moment. And if it helps to write things down in a safe space as well then keep in touch with the community here at Cancer Chat. 

Thinking of you, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Life is ****

7 Feb 2023 23:36 in response to savingmyfather

Hi savingmyfather,

I read your post and felt the need to respond. I very much relate to the pain that you feel about your dad's illness and the difficulty you are experiencing with being unable to fix the situation. 

I have posted quite a bit on here about my dad but we found out in September that my dad had a cancer reoccurance (we were told he was cured of the cancer he had in 2020) and he sadly passed away only 8 weeks later. 

My dad is my world, he is my heart and soul and the love I have for him is like no other. When we found out dad was ill I dropped everything to care for him and immediately went into fix it more. I had hope that dad would be able to have treatment to extend his life but he deteriorated too quickly. 

The 8 weeks from finding out dad was ill to him passing away was traumatic. Dad ended up confused, in the hospital and all this time I did everything I could to support him but I think I was just running on adrenaline. My dad lost his ability to walk and do basic things for himself but I was still trying desperately to find anything that might help him. I was constantly researching and getting him to try to eat and drink it was all consuming. There was no time to really think of the huge emotional impact this was having on myself and the anticipatory grief. 

Everything you have written about swapping places with your dad and life having no meaning are all things I have said myself. Although you are supporting your dad you also need to try and take care of yourself. I am saying this with hindsight and I know it is easier said than done. 

Do you have support from family and friends? Are services like district nurses and McMillan involved? You don't have to answer but these people and your GP may be able to also support you. 

The support that mum and I had with dad was limited up until the end and it very much felt like I was in an excruciating position. I was facing losing the person I love the most in the world and I also felt like I was drowning under the pressure. 

I love my dad so much that I honestly thought that if anything happened to him I would have a nervous breakdown, but I haven't. Losing him has been terrible, I miss him so much but I keep going a day at a time because he loved me so much that doing anything else would be a disservice to him.

It's a terrible situation to be in and one that no one talks about or prepears you for. It's normal to cry and feel scared. You may not see it right now but you are strong, you are supporting your dad and you are reaching out for support. I just wanted to say that I hear you and you are not alone. 

 

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