I lost my Mum in February to gall bladder Cancer. 1 month from diagnosis to death. The last few days are tough. When your Mum stops eating and finally stops drinking you know its 1 to 2 days. Then her breathing will change and you will know.  I was surprised that she waa conscious till the end. That was something I didn't expect and was quite traumatizing. She was in no pain and although a religious person, was still quite frightened. Sending you my love and take care of yourself. I have her service on Wednesday this week.

Sorry your going through this, I lost my mum to lung cancer in July and like yourself I wanted to know what to expect when the end was near as it is something you anticipate, everyone is different but in my experience my mum was unconscious but well aware of our presence, she had a lot of pain but that was controlled by palliative nurses at our request. 3 days she went on like this for, I nursed her by wetting her lips and just being there and when her time was up she was gasping for breath then there was a rattling sound followed by a few more gasps of breath then gone just like that, no more pain and suffering. What your going through now is really tough and no words can describe the pain you feel seeing the person you love suffering in this way, enjoy every last moment you have left with your lovely mum and hope everything goes as well as it can during this terrible time. Sending you all my love and more.

joanne. Xxx

Hi Flower,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and her lung cancer. I have lost a lot of relatives to lung cancer and, I am currently on my second bout of breast cancer in the past 9 years. I know only too well how upsetting it can be to watch someone who you love so dearly, fade before your very eyes.

Talldarkandhandsome and Josie have both had slightly different experiences and this is normal. We are all individuals and none of us die in exactly the same way. You will probably realize when she is nearing the end. She will not want food or drink. She will sleep a lot more. Her arms and legs will start to get colder from the extremities. She may become agitated and start seeing people who have already passed in the room. She may get a raspy sound in her throat. This is called the death rattle and comes pretty close to the end. These are a few of the main signs, but this should give you enough to recognize when you reach this stage.

I am thinking of you both and hope that your mum has a peaceful passing. Please remember that we are always here for you, so keep in touch.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 6 weeks ago. Last week she moved to a hospice as we were told she only has a few weeks left.

He breathing is under control with oxygen and morphine, and she's sat up talking, although sleepy. I just don't know what I should be looking out for. Mums not eaten or drunk for 6 weeks anyway, as the tumour has compressed on her esophagus. But apart from getting more drowsy, she seems stable (if you can use that term). I just think is today the last day, and don't really know what I should be looking for.

Hi Rich,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's lung cancer. This is such a devastating time for you. The three posts above this all give some tips to look out for. I am glad to hear that she is in the hospice and hope that she is getting first class care there. If you communicate with the staff in the hospice, they will usually tell you when the end is near. They will usually change to end of life medication as she approaches the end. This will make her much sleepier. One of the last senses to go is hearing, so even if she appears o be asleep, talk to her still. Chances are that she will still hear you.

Not eating or drinking often happens towards the end. Don't be tempted to force her to eat or drink,as this can go down the wrong way and cause her to choke. For as long as your mum is in the hospice, you will probably wonder whether or not each time is the last time you'll see her. This is something that nobody can predict.

If you want to be with her at the end, let the hospice staff know this and make sure that it is written in her notes. Just a warning though. If you've not witnessed someone dying before, you will find that some peolple get very agitated towards the end, whilst others pass peacefully. There is no way of knowing which way your mum will go, so you have to be prepared for this, if you want to be with her at the end.

I have been in your position when I lost my mum with secondary breast cancer,which had spread to her lungs, liver, brain, and bones. It is a hard road you are travelling and, I hope that you have the support of family and friends.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Thinking of you both and,I sincerely hope that your mum has a peaceful passing.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

hello , 

i used to google the final stages so i knew what to look out for when my dad was dying, we lost him on the 4th Dec, and in my dads case it was totally different he was drinking lots of milk id never known him drink pints of it, the day he died he was the same he drank 3 pints of milk, was slightly more agitated and in more pain, which we got controlled by the nurses.. i got a phone call at 4.50am from dads night nurse sitter to say he wasnt breathing .. i phoned my sisters to go confirm he had passed while i set off driving over myself, we all nursed him during the day until 10pm on a night then we had a night sitter nurse, anyways dad had passed he was smiling and looked so at peace, i dont think he would have let go with his kids round him he was a proud man, we had discussed with his doctor the day before his leg was sore and swollen, we think it was a clot and we think that was the cause of death along with lung cancer... dad was still very chatty but did sleep more, but other than having mottled skin on his legs and sleeping and not eating he had no other end of life signs.... we jut never know do we ?? its hard but i take great comfort that he passed quickly and in his sleep i just wish i was with him .. 

take care and take each hour as it comes x 

Hi Daddiesgirl,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. You have had a slightly different end of life experience than those above, which just goes to show how different this stage can be for different people.

It is not uncommon for someone who is dying to find a slot when nobody is around to pass quietly. As you rightly say, your dad wouldn't have wanted his family to witness his passing, peaceful though it was.

How are you coping with your loss?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

hello 

im not coping at all to be honest im blocking out all my feelings and thoughts on my dad, we lost dads wife my lovely step mum 7 weeks before my dads passing so its had been a terrible time, 

im sorting out the estate at the moment so cant start to grieve for my dad or step mum i just keep ignoring the feelings and thoughts .. but i know whats coming and am simply not ready yet .. im going for councelling once everything is sorted 

he was so much fun to be with and i feel i spent proper quaility time with him i was there from 6am every morning for the last 7 weeks of his life and helped the nurses clean him and i did eveything for my dad.. we would talk about everything and put the world to rights ... i just simply miss him 

L x 

Hi Daddiesgirl,

You must find that even harder than we do, as you had a week less to prepare. Losing both parents so close together is hard. We lost my mother-in-law at the end of last September and my father in law at the beginning of February. They died precisely 4 months apart to the day. My mother-in-law was bedbound for 3 years and my father-in –law did everything for her. He was a broken man when he lost his love of 80 years.

We got him into hospital for assessment at the end of January. He was diagnosed with cancer throughout his body that afternoon. Six days later he was dead. We are all still reeling from the speed with which it all happened. Like you, we are now trying to sort out his estate. He too was a fun man to be with and a much loved Grandpa of his many grandchildren. I have known them for nearly 50 years and, both were like parents to me.

I am glad to hear that you were able to spend so much time together in his final few weeks. It sounds as if you were very close and able to talk about anything. This will make it more difficult for you now that he is no longer there to converse with.

Do you have a nice photo of your dad and step-mum? I have one of my mum, who died from cancer 21 years ago. I have often found myself talking to her and find this a great solace. I find that I don’t speak to her as often nowadays as I used to, although I still miss her every day. You will always hold a place for them in your heart, but it does get easier with time.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

hi 

thank you for the reply .. my step mum was only 72 and she passed on my dads 69th birthday so that was even harder for us all and unexpected.. dad found her and called me straight away, i think they were both too young to go .. i had a lovely canvas of them both together and smiling which i talk to all the time, i tell dad im annoyed at him for now being organised cos ive had loads to sort out because he said he had plenty of time to sort it all out before he became too ill. 

i miss them both so much 

Lx