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Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

7 Dec 2021 16:33

Hi all, Please read as i am struggling so much :/

Yesterday was possibly the saddest day of my life, when my beautiful mommy passed away at age 56 from metastatic breast cancer to the lungs. She had been undergoing chemo since august 2020 after a mastectomy in june 2020, but had a recurrence at her mastectomy site which grew into another lump. Microscopic cancer cells were still left over from surgery even though they were confident they had taken it all out. 

We had found out that in july she had 5, 5mm lung nodules in each lobe, but oncologist was confident that the chemo would 'clear them up'. She underwent chemo of EC, Doxetaxel, Herceptin, Carboplatin, Kadcyla, Capecitabine and more but only had a breif response to Kadcyla and Capecitabine and then a massive flare up where the cancer cells built up resistance and stopped working. she had the most horrendous side effects from all her chemo, neuropathy, lost all her hair, bruises, constipation, exhaustion, oral thrush, couldnt eat, sleeping problems the whole lot. I feel my mom was never taken seriously enough by her oncologist when her lump starded growing out of control, she would always lack information, and just say we have to wait to see shrinkage, and couldnt do any type of surgery even to relieve her pain.

She struggled for so so long and eventually had to go into the hospice in october this year for pain releif with a syringe driver. The lump on her mastectomy site had grown so out of control, even along with radiotherpay that she had and a massive infection in it that antibiotics struggled to control . Whilst at the hospice she contracted sepsis and almost died and it was decided that she would no longer be able to have chemo as it was doing more damage than good and that it was not working. She also had cardiotoxicity. She came home for a week and a half in november over her birthday period and im so glad she did. She had to go back in on november 25th where they discovered she had pleural effusion and was struggling to breathe. They were adamant they could not drain her lungs as her body was alright fighting so much infection from the lump on her mastectomy line, and it also couldnt be surgically removed. She deteriorated very rapidly and on the 6th of December 2021 my angel smiled, and took her last breath with her fiance and my partner by her side. 

She fought so courageously for so long and i am ever so proud of her, but i am struggling to cope with her loss. I am 26 and an only child, me and my mom were SO close, she was my everything and i was hers. Even throughout her deterioration the only thing that was on her mind was me. I told her its okay now, she will be safe, she was not scared and i reasured her that i will be well looked after and that i am ok. But im far from ok. When she passed it did not hit me straight away, i only felt a strange sense of releif that she was no longer in pain and suffering or getting distressed. But ive woken up today with a whole array of emotions. Sadness, guilt ( could i have done more for her), survivors guilt, shock, numbness,a sense of it all not being real even. What makes it harder for me is that i lost my sweet grandma from pancreatic cancer on November 3rd 2020 at the same hospice, and their rooms were next door to eachother, My grandmas was 12 and moms 14. I am so broken and i dont feel or see any point in carrying on. I have no children, but i do have a brilliant partner who is so supportive, but i just feel so so empty and lost.

To anyone who reads this thank you, i really appreciate it and i would like to hear stories of others just so i feel like i am not alone in this awful war of cancer on my loved ones.

Thank you all,

Tee, xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

7 Dec 2021 18:27 in response to Babytee

Hello Babytee

I wanted to post a reply on behalf of the whole Cancer Chat team to offer our deepest condolences on the loss of your much loved Mum. 

Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating and I'm glad to hear that you have the support of your partner. Don't be afraid to lean on them in the coming days and weeks. 

All of the emotions and thoughts that you've described are a common part of the grieving process and undoubtedly it will be a rollercoaster for you. There are many people here who will understand some of what you're going through and hopefully they will post to share their experiences with you. 

In the meantime, be kind to yourself Tee. Take each day as it comes. If a day seems too much then take things hour by hour. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes and don't be afraid. When you feel ready there is an organisation called Cruse that is able to offer bereavement support and this may be something in the coming weeks that you might find helpful. 

Keep in touch with us here on the forum if it helps to have this space to write down how you're feeling. Know that you're not alone and we'll do our best to support you. 

Thinking of you at this difficult time. 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

7 Dec 2021 19:35 in response to Babytee

Hello Babytee

I know how you are feeling and your not alone  l lost my Dad on 5th Dec 2021  to metastasic oesophageal cancer 

He was diagnosed in Sept 2020 and had chemotherapy and radiotherapy and was  unable to have a operation to remove the tumour in Jan 2021 due to Covid pandemic the risks were deemed to high that he would catch Covid and the operation was cancelled 

Even though my Dad was 74 years old he was a deemed a very fit man and the surgeon was extremely disappointed he couldn't do the operation 

It's never good to get cancer but especially not during a pandemic!! 
Unfortunately despite chemo and radiotherapy the cancer had spread to his liver even though it had completely gone from his oesophagus and in May 2021  we were told 6-8 months without treatment and maybe 12 months with treatment 

My Dad was such a brave man and said he would try more chemo and do what ever he could to stay alive !!

Had further chemo and further scans showed it had little effect on the lesions in his liver and they had increased in size ( this was in October 2021) and he collapsed 11th Nov with right sided weakness of his arm and leg at home and was taken to hospital where he had a seizure and a CT head scan revealed that the cancer had metastasised to his brain ( 4cm tumour ) 

He never came back home and we witnessed my Dad slowly deteriorating becoming more agitated and in pain but he  did die peacefully in a hospice 

He never complained at all and always said he was okay and we know he was trying to protect us all even at the end especially my Mum who he was devoted to 

He was such a kind man and my heart is broken and like you Babytee  l felt numb the day he died glad he wasn't suffering anymore maybe it's shock 

Now l feel broken and l am struggling to believe l will never see or hear his voice again 

You are so young to lose your Mum l had 49 wonderful years with my Dad and it is so sad you didn't get that time too with your lovely Mum

It's a very difficult time of year with Xmas approaching and l am finding it very hard to cope with the thought of Xmas without my Dad .I just don't think l can do Xmas this year every thing feels so raw and sad  

So you are not alone Babytee x

 

 

 

 

 

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

7 Dec 2021 21:56 in response to Babytee

Oh you poor thing. My heart breaks for you and your words bring to the surface all my worst fears. I was diagnosed with breast cancer March 21 and, rightly or wrongly, took the decision to decline most of the treatment offered, preferring quality over quantity of life. My sweet boy (about your age) supported my decision but I cry every day at the thought of leaving him alone. He is an only child also and doesn't have a good relationship with his father. Like you and your Mum, we are so very close. Your Mum was so brave to go through everything she went through to try to stay with you but she also knew she had given you the tools you needed to survive and grow. She will be watching over you and the conversations you had together will be with you for the rest of your life. Don't let the horrendous events at the end of her life color all the wonderful moments you shared. My heart goes out to you. Xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

8 Dec 2021 01:14 in response to Babytee

Hey hun, 

Firstly, I want to say I'm so so to hear about your mum. I know no words will really make you feel better, because losing your mum is losing half of you, the person who carried you and gave birth to you, the love was unconditional. 
But I want you to know that you're not alone. 
Similar to you, I lost my mum in March 2021, I'm 27 and my mum was only 55. 8 months on and the pain is still indescribable, I'd honestly give anything just to see, hear and be with my mum again. But at the same time, I'm not where I was 8 months ago. When I first lost my mum, it felt like someone had physically ripped out a piece of me, and nothing and no-one could stop the bleeding. The pain was extremely intense, to the extent that I couldn't even look at a picture of my mum without feeling like I was being suffocated. This has eased, but I still have days where all I want and need is my mum. 
But what I've learnt is, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel lost, after all we have lost the most important person in the world to us, the person we love the most. It will take us years, or we may never heal such a loss. But we're lucky to experience that sort of love, and have the bond we did with our mum's, and one day, we will be reunited. 
 

I hope that gives you some comfort ( I know I've blabbered abit). I'm always a message away x sending you lots of love and prayers xxx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

8 Dec 2021 01:46 in response to Babytee

Hi,

I am so sorry for your pain. 

I lost my mum on 16th September, I am an only child, aged 26 and she raised me alone. 

I read these forums because I feel so alone, I miss her so very much. Other people are going through it but no one should be feeling this way. 

please get in touch if you'd like to chat.

 Emily xx

Edited on Wed, 08/12/2021 - 09:11 by emilymae45, Personal details removed in line with Cancer Chat's terms and conditions.

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

9 Dec 2021 17:58 in response to emilymae45

Hello my lovely

I read your post and I really wanted to reply. I'm just so sorry for the loss of your mum, and everything she went through. In sure you being with her and reassuring her you'd be okay meant more to her than you'll ever know 

I lost my mum very quickly in march, and she was also in a hospice with driver and high painkillers. She was only 55, I'm 33. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, probably an hour really. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it becomes different. There's nothing in this world j wouldnt do to just see my mum for ten minutes and hug her. 

All I can say, is you're not alone, even though I'm sure it feels like you are. I'm sending you a huge amount of strength and love to you xxxx

 

 

 

 

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

9 Dec 2021 18:55 in response to londongirl151

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I suppose yes that's the what worries me around will I ever feel any better? The pain feels endless. I understand what you mean by the fact it just feels different in time though as opposed to putting pressure on myself for it to become easier or less painful xxx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

30 Dec 2021 12:42 in response to Mimimoo

Hi @Mimimoo ‍ ,

thank you for your reply and im so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your precious dad went through so much and like you said, during a pandemic everything so so much more difficult!  and i know exactly how you feel as my mom went through so much too. 
Its honestly such a horrendous disease. This chirstmas just wasnt the same , felt so empty and hopless. I find that ive gotten worse since her cremation and although my family have collected her ashes, im just not ready to see them yet. I feel wrong and selfish for not doing so but i think seeing them just over confirms that its real and il never see her beautiful face again.
my depression and anxiety has flared through the roof and i was prescribed anxiety meds to try and keep me calm but everything just seems so so overwhelming. Thank you for reminding me i am not alone as sometimes it can feel so isolating in this 'cancer world'. Cant seem to shake myself out of it,and everyone around me i feel doesnt understand as theyve never had to go through something like this before.
Thinking of you and take care
Tee xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

30 Dec 2021 12:50 in response to Sandy456

Hi @Sandy456 ‍ thank you so much for your reply.
I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. When my mom was moved onto pallative care they mainly aimed for quailty of life with the hopes to extend her life as much as possible. I remember one of her nurses saying to her 'yeah you can live for 10 years with metastastic breast cancer you know'. 
Sadly wasnt the case as my mom suffered for 21 months with breast cancer. 
One can only imagine how it must feel discussing your decision with your son. As you said my mom had given me all the tools to survive without her and grow and I know you definetly would have done the same for your sweet boy. I hope you get to make the best memories with him and cherish every moment. Take so many pictures of everything ( thats what i found myself doing) and videos. They will be forever sacred to him and yourself. I hope you are feeling the best you can be at the present moment and keep your amazing strength. 
Take care and love to you and your boy
Tee xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

30 Dec 2021 12:54 in response to emilymae45

Hi @emilymae45 ‍ ,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. As you can imagine i know exactly how you are feeling right now. My mom also raised me alone too. She was the best mom to me ever can i still cant believe this cruel disease has taken her from me. I feel your pain, Sometimes i feel alone as everyone around me isnt going through the same thing i am so i feel they cant sympathise or empathise but coming on to these forums makes me realise im not actually alone and many people are going through the same type of pain as us.
I hope you are coping the best you can at this moment and I send my love to you.
Take care
Tee xxx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

30 Dec 2021 13:03 in response to londongirl151

Hi @londongirl151 ‍ Thank you so much for your reply.
Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. It feels so unfair that our moms were so young (55&56) and that theyve been taken from us in such a cruel way. I feel like i am very numb to my feelings at the moment, ive accepted whats happened but I feel completely numb. I hear my moms voice everyday in my head telling me that shes aboslutely fine where she is and that she likes it there. shes in no pain and shes at peace and is comfortable. Life just feels very empty without her. I miss her voice and her prescence around me all the time. 
Sometimes i just feel useless and hopeless as im confused over my feelings most times Sad
I hope you are coping as much as you can and sending all my love and best wishes to you.
Take care
Tee xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

30 Dec 2021 13:10 in response to RSxo

Hi @RSxo ‍ Thank you so much for your reply.
Thank you for reminding me that im not alone and i am ever so sorry to hear about the passing of your mom in march. It feels so horrendous that we are so young loosing the person that means so much to us. When my mom passed i felt a sense of releif (sounds so cruel ) but that she was not suffereing anymore and in no more pain. She struggled with so much pain with her illness and she would cry almost everyday with how bad it was and that would break my heart. I feel somewhat numb since she passed also and i kept wondering if this was the right response or it was just the wall id put up to protect myself and my feelings as my heart was well and truly shattered. I can only pray that i reunite with her one day and i just want her to be proud of me. I know its only been just over 3 weeks since she passed and im expecting an array of emotions to come within this next year but i wish to posses the strength that my mom did while battling breast cancer. she showed such bravery and courage and if i could be half the woman she was i know i will be just fine. She taught me so much over the years and instilled traits and qualities in me and i just pray i will do her proud. 
I hope you are well and coping the best that you can given these cruel circumstances.
Sending all my love to you and best wishes
Take care 
Tee xx

Just lost Mom to metastatic breast cancer. Please help x

1 Jan 2022 02:11 in response to Babytee

Hi sorry to hear about your mum passing, I too lost my mum last month on the 14th November 2021, her funeral was on 1st Dec ( she was 65years old)she had  lung cancer which had spread to her liver, she fought so hard and suffered so much after being diagnosed about 5 years ago, she had chemo, radiotherapy and immunotherapy, she also had a heart attack, superior vena cava, bilateral plueral effusions and was diagnosed with sarcoidosis in that time.

Mum and dad were also Foster carers when mum was diagnosed, I get so angry at times as she didn't deserve to have suffered so much. She was so brave, she knew she wasn't going to make it to Christmas and had all the presents, cards ect wrapped and written out ready for dad to pass out to everyone christmas morning.

Mum passed away at home with everyone around her, she fought up till the last hour the sedation she was having in the syringe driver wasn't really working as mum was agitated and had terminal restlessness she also had horrific lung secretions!, the nurses had to keep coming out to give stat doses to try and sedate her. The nurses couldn't understand why she wasn't settling, they even asked mum if she was holding on for anything? With Mum's reply being"no, I want to go to my final resting place,  heaven! ".

They gave her another dose then mum finally went to sleep and passed away within the hour. I miss her so much I can't believe that she is gone and I can't stop thinking about the last few nights I looked after her as she suffered so much. I can't stop reliving it, it's like a movie playing over and over. 

I was the one who moved in at the end and looked after her. I looked after her all the way through going her appts with her, shopping ect.

I can't believe she is gone my heart aches so much.

I'm back at work now as I took time off to look after mum but I feel wrong for carrying on without her I feel numb most of the time and then angry it's like these are the two emotions I only feel.

Sorry for rambling on.

Hope you are all well 

Laura x