Just remember this - someone else's toothache doesn't make YOURS go away! Why do you have to pretend all is OK when it's not!! Allow yourself to 'let it out'. You deserve it.

hi Mariette  , Thank you, yes your right I need to let out all my feelings and grief and deal with everything, ive been bottling it all up for months now, practically living in denial, I need to face reality and deal with it head on

thank you so much for your reply

alanxxx

Hi Alan. Wow, you have been through a LOT! I think you're justified to have a few "head under the duvet" moments! Writing it all down is cathartic and here is a safe place to do that. Everyone's story is different and you are just as strong as anyone else. Only you live your life so don't make comparisons - you have enough to deal with. Someone told me when I was diagnosed with my cancer that my journey will be very personal to me and while it was OK to read or listen to others' stories, they weren't mine. As humans, we're all unique and so are our cancer stories.

Hang in there and do whatever makes you feel better at any given moment.

Hi Nikki  Thank you for your reply, 

everything you have said is so true, we are all unique, 

sometimes its so hard to cope with everything thats happening, but today I feel stronger 

and I am going to be more positive, and sort out my head . 

thank you so much for your help

alan 

Hi katie , thank you for your reply, yes im going to get some help im due to see a phyciatrist and 

a phycologist early next week, plus ive talked to a few friends that have come round yesterday and today and thats helped a lot.

I want to avoid being put on anti depressants they dont agree with me so im going to eat foods that boost the seratonin level , thats the happy chemical that the brain needs. 

thankj you again for your advise I really appreciate hearing from you 

tell me more about you, it would be good to keep in contact with you

alanxxx

Hi Katie , my goodness you have really been through the mill , so pleased you are doing well now.

Ive learnt not to look at statistics anymore, as everyone is individual (can you see a change in my outlook today, much more positive now)

This week has been totally horrible, I had my last scan in March , got an email on the monday all good 

see you thursday for a chat, 20 minutes into the chat, all good dont need another scan for 6 months, but by the way the pathologist highlighted possible folds in the rectum or it could be something else, recommends a colonoscopy, total knocked sideways, I sai OH wish youd mentioned this on monday, im flying back home tomorrow(I live in Gibraltar) .. Friday up early to drive from Norwich to Gatwick , called in at my nephews place, lots of calls to see an oncologist in Spain, Booked for the tuesday, spent teh whole weekend besides myself, Had the colonoscopy woke up oncologist just said all ok no cancer then I fell asleep again , when I woke up he was gone, asked nurses, they just said well all it says is follow up in 6 months.. by Friday I was going insane, couldnt speak to anyoneone, just got a message back look dont worry its all ok, just got to wait for biopsy results... then easter no one about, called on the Tuesday, assistant said cant find your results ill call you back.. sweating like mad, she called back, results all ok nothing to worry about .. congratulations everything is fine, come in on the 27th to see the oncologist he will explain your results .. OK Fine.. then from saturday this week I just went into one, Had to get a friend to come with me last night at 5 pm.. sat in reception until 6 pm then saw the oncologist,, yes everything is fine ... But I just had such a terrible time this week thinking about the appointment last night 

really did send me down hill big time. and yet id been told it was all ok... Why couldnt my brain just accept it.. if its ok why do I need to see him ... so now I know its ok, follow up in a year..

I guess I was afraid that Id get a repeat.. Oh the colons ok, but this or that .. thankfully that didnt happen and everythings all ok.

I do get out and about , wlaking my two dogs, gardening, im back at the gym now (not this week )

couldnt get motivated this week. 

So now im going to be more positive and crack on and beet this damn disease .. 

Your very strong , especially coping with breaking up with your partner a week before the surgery, 

that must have been so terrible to deal with...

Your a strong person dont look at statistics, they will do your head in totally, youve got the right attitude 

youll be at your daughters wedding thats for sure

please keep in contact with me, your an inspiration to me and everyone else on here

Alanxxxx

Hi Alan,

I can't add much to what others have said - everyone of us in the Stage 4 club have the right to have a good rant every now and again. Life is so unfair at times and this can be hard to accept.

I've gone the other way with statistics, though I have a working background in information management, and have reached the stage where I recognise that I am now a statistical outlier. Not a bad place to be. 

To quote John Lennon "Whatever gets you through the night 'salright, 'salright". 

Do whatever makes you happy, don't hesitate just enjoy your life.

Cheers

Dave

Hi Katie...I know I know I know.. I need to be my age and stop having the poor me's i should know better

I never thought that i would come across as a drama queen, especially as ive met quite a few when I was working, but your right ive presented myself as one... ive justed kicked myself for being so "Wet and whimpish"

Im going to take a feather out of your cap and start to do everything now, and stop having the poor me,s

in fact its totally throwing it down here right now, and im just saying sod it im off out for a walk with the dogs, we will all get soaking wet but at least they will enjoy it they love water 

alanxxxxx

Hi, well im just back totally soaked, the dogs look awefull, soaking wet, ive just tried to dry them off, but one thought they coud get dryer by rubbing themselves on my curtains and the window.. now ive got the windolene out. the curtains will be ok they are dark brown, they will dry.

Wisley gardens ive been there many times, they should be great now if the azaleas and rhodordendrums are out and the blue bells . the craft show sounds great.. I actually miss all that , we dont have much in Gibraltar except the botanical gardens and you cant go in with dogs so thats not any good for me.

tomorrows pants total rain again, but sundays looking good so ill have a walk over the border and into spain for some tappas and a bottle of water  and a nice strong spanish coffee, the dogs will enjoy the walk on the neach as well and a dip in the sea.

Have a fab weekend , enjoy your friends company and wisly

alanxxx

I've only visited Gib once when my brother was stationed there with the RAF. 

My predominent memory is of the rain - it was sunny everywhere else but the Rock seemed to generate its own micro-climate converting passing clouds into rain and drizzle. 

My own dog is glaring at me for being online and not walking her this afternoon. I've explained that we can't go out until I've taken a banana loaf out of the oven, but she isn't listening! 

Cheers

Dave