Hi harry your not alone your just by yorself 9 months isnt long you know bet it feels like yesterday yes your poor stepdad a double wammy we all feel loney as who love your mum like only you do your poor stepdad its a diffrent love . Have you had councilng it can help may just keep you going having someone to talk to about your grief no one else we need to grieve but it realy is a lonely road but trust me it does get eisier but how long depend on so many things dont be on your own all the time and you dont have to be you have loads of chums out there you just havnt met them yet there are social groups out there that you can join its like first day of school first time but they make you wellcome i joined one ime in my sixtys we go out for meals to theater .there will be one your age group shy introverted extroverted there all a missmash and in my case i can go out and not have to  cook lol there may be bereament groups to you go and people sit and chat and share there grief we need to its how we are made all these things you can google up . With your mum being your confidant and friend it makes it worse so just keep going it will get eisier how long is realy how you deal with it youself .paul

Thanks Paul, I love the first line of your post, "you're not alone just by yourself" thank you.  I think joining a group would be good for me.  I am having Cruse every other week, the last time I saw her I felt fine, it comes it waves like a rollercoaster.  I'll check out local groups, thank you fir your message, I wish you well x 

Hi harry,

I can completely relate to what you feel regarding your mum. I am also 48 and my mum who was 74 went into hospital 5 months ago for a routine op with an overnight stay. I was supposed to collect her the following day and bring her home. 15 minutes after her surgery my mum suffered a massive bleed on the brain. She died the next day.

I am so down all the time. I miss her so so much and just cannot believe she has gone. This sort of nightmare happens to other people, not my mum.

Like you, I'm just putting on a happy face and am sick of it. I want my mum, and nothing is going to cheer me up. Even worse that christmas is on the way.

Mum was also my best friend and she lived with my daughter, my partner and I.

Our home just will never be the same.

Cheryl x

Hi, I can totally relate. My mam went to a check up told she was terminally ill with secondary metastatic cancer and died 60 days later on 2nd September. I've gone back to work and act like everything is ok and I'm coping and people tell me how well I've done but it's all acting. I have utter panic at the thought of not seeing her or smelling her smell ever again. I feel like the world is just moving on and all the people who were around for her passing have just gone back to normal life now. I'm currently sitting in my town centre looking at older people trying to guess their age and jealous if someone looks like they are with their man. I just want her back. When she found out she was poorly she kept saying 'as long as I make Christmas' but she didn't and I can't stand it. I feel like I want to go with her but I have children and 2 sisters and a partner. I'm 44 my mam was 73. 

Hi sandra so sorry about your poor mum the thing is on the media it portrays everyone gets better i think they do a disservice to people suffering or have lost a loved one then when it happens to us we arnt prepared if thats possible .your pretty much grieving how we do so dont worry and try not do anything to hurt yourself please if it gets to bad go see your gp they can help short term .i lost mum and dad some years ago .but my partner 18 months ago i felt like you when i saw couples together with there familys i wouldnt say jelouse .so you see i might be in a shopping center feeling sad whatching you with your partner and kids so you see your doing ok .do see if you can get counciling local hospic i find are best .then you can sit and run all your thoughts past a counciler and get some answers if there is any with this rotton disease at moment you will be canstantly having these thought going round in you head like you have chatting to us and sharing your loss with us you sound like a very inteligent person to think this bu i can tell you it does get eisier. It dosnt rain everyday one day you will wake up and this horrid feeling will not hit you all you can do i just take one day at a time till it dose .best wishs paul

Sandra,

I do exactly the same as you! I look st people and try to guess if they were younger or older than my mum and feel bitter towards anyone who is older. I genuinely thought my mum would go on till 90 and I would be in my early 60s when I lost her.

I'm sorry you are in the same boat and have lost your mum.

Cheryl x

Hi Harry. I'm so sorry you are dealing wtih a set back. That's the thing with grief, we can feel quite decent one day and then rotten the next. As many have said on this forum, the first year is the hardest, it's filled with the most set backs in general - all the firsts - first Christmas, birthday, etc. without our mums. Every day is up and down to begin with, but then adding in extra set backs can be especially painful. On the one year anniversary of my mums passing, this past May, I was at my friends dads funeral who died of COPD - and my mum died of lung cancer and COPD. That was a huge trigger, and it took a while to heal from it. 

I helped my mum out a lot too, and for a long time I also felt the loss of not being in the caring role anymore. Almost like part of my identity went away too. But we didn't always have to care for our mums, so after a while I think we do go back to being the person we were before giving all the extra help.

Anyway, I hope your setback doesn't linger too long and I wish you all the best on your journey through the grief.