Hello Rebecca,  I’m so sorry for your loss!.  I lost my mum on Wednesday.... She had Ovarian Cancer for 2 1/2 years and I’ve been so sad and upset for those years.  she went suddenly of cardiac arrest in an ambulance and it shocked us all.  My dad is in a depression but I feel stragely OK?  I thought I would be inconsolable and a mess.  but I wake up feeling ok and like you not feeling like she’s really gone.  Even though I’m sitting in her house with my dad and brother planning her funeral.  I can see her dead face in my mind and still I can’t compute.  I cleared all the medical stuff from her room, packed her revolting cancer clothes in bin bags, removed all evidence of her illness from the house.

her “real” clothes are still in her wardrobe.... maybe i feel like she’s just in hospital and will be back.. then suddenly I get a pain in my chest and I start to shake and cry.  then my dad walks in and asks what’s wrong, but I can’t scream “my mum is dead” at him because he lost his soulmate and his pain is worse.. I’m so confused about how I feel.

I’m waiting for the shoe to drop...

Hi Rebecca,

We have 'spoken' before.  I still feel like this 9 months later and am still waiting to fully collapse with knowing my mother is gone.  I still think I'm going to see her again it's crazy I know.  It still doesn't feel real and I have moments thinking did all of this really happen. It's hard to explain like living my life in a parrall universe.

I just wanted to reply to say please don't feel what you are feeling is wrong. I'm still looking for answers to why I'm not inconsolable every single day.  Like you loved your Dad I loved my mother wholeheartedly and saw her everyday, even on holidays I would ring her every day sometimes twice a day.  

I never thought I would be like this after losing my mother, my world has tipped off it's axis yet everything carries on. I feel guilty for not crying enough even though my mother would certainly not want us upset.  

I wanted to tell you that you're not alone in how you are feeling but I tell myself I know I loved my mother, she knew I loved her and be sure your Dad knew how much you loved him. 

As I may have said before I fully believe our loved ones send us strenght to carry on the best way we can

Take care

X x x x

I lost mum 3 weeks ago. Today is a weird day. I’m numb. I think of her then my brain shuts down. So I’m sitting here in my garden my brain is empty I feel nothing today.  I can’t believe she’s gone either. I moved away last year and I used to see her every 6 weeks. And we used to text all the time. And I would call regularly. Although mum wasn’t a phone person. I feel like she is still there back at home with dad. I sent her a text message yesterday. I have to say I did it because I thought it would help. But the no response killed me.    But today nothingness. 

Your ur not alone. It seems it’s part of the “process” 

Hi Beach and All, I think sometimes my brain refuses to believe it. When I do get emotional I feel I need to stop feeling it fully because it will be too much to bare so I shut a lot out. 

The amount of times I wanted to phone my mother or just drive to her house and walk in sit down and carry on as normal.  I mean she must still be here I know crazy.. I still think my mother is there in her house pottering around I think it's easier to pretend sometimes that she is still there. 

It's madness,  gulit for not feeling it every second and then too much pain for when you do feel it. I've forgotten what normal feels like.

It does help to know we're not alone x x x

hello fellow members of the dead mum and dad club... a club none of us want to be in.

your post resonates so well with me.  I feel liberated by the fact that my mum knew I adored her and I know she adored me.  I don’t feel I have anything to prove by crying all the time so I cry when I feel it and I, like you shut it down when I feel it may overwhelm me.  I did have a proper cry from the bottom of my soul the night she died. Lying on her bed.  I cried like I havent cried since I was a child, snot, dribble, hiccups the lot.  My husband found me there and he just lay on top of me and hugged me so tight.

God I felt so good after.  all cried out.  I’ve had a few moments since.  when I had to tell mums best friends and speak to my boss.

but all in all, I feel ok. I don’t feel the weight on my chest I had for the past 2 years since her diagnosis.  the pain of watching her suffer mentally and physically.  she was in so much mental pain and I couldnt do anything to help except sit and listen to her soul rip apart.

I started grieving when she was diagnosed.  I was very very depressed for about 6 months and not much better since.  I don’t feel like that now.  I feel relieved that she is free and I feel sad when I think of what she is missing out on, but so grateful she died quickly from a cardiac arrest in her own bed and we didnt have the long drawn out bedside vigil we were all dreading, including her,

hey,

i know how you feel,, i lost my grandma a year ago next month and it still doesn’t feel like she’s gone yet. i know that i didn’t speak to her every day but once a week at least and well i wish i did it more. idk wether this feeling ever goes away but i don’t really want it to, ik people always say the she’s in your heart even if she’s not here physically but idk sometimes it is this feeling that keeps me going. i get flashes sometimes and it’s like she’s really gone and not coming back and i just have to cry it out i guess until the feelings kind of gone but you just push through i guess you have to for them i think. i know that tears don’t mean anything unless you do something about it but once you’ve just about cried your eyes out it does feel better i feel like you can just about have the comfort in knowing that she’s in a much better place and that’s ok...

she gives me the strength to tackle everyday head on and i’m sure your mum does to

take care x

hello [@Cwtch]‍ 

And everyone else ...

Thankyou soo much for everyone commenting, it means soo much. And I genuinely don’t know where I’d be without you all . I’m so sorry for your losses, life is soo cruel and only the best ones go, I mean If I was to pick any flower in a garden of flowers I’d pick the best one of the lot.. wouldn’t you? 

Words just describe how we are all feeling, and I’m glad that I’m not alone. I feel emotionless, I’ve hardly cried since and If I do it’s only little out bursts. I seen an advert earlier and they were all singing the New Years song and I just Instantly started crying as this is something me and my family have done every New Years since I can first remember. 

I love my father with every bone in my body and I can’t stress how much he means to me and what I’d do for it to have been me rather than him. My father battled for 6 years, and I failed to see the determination until now, and this breaks me. 

I really do hope my dad and your loved ones are okay up there. And that one day we will all meet again. 

Sending all my love to you all 

becca xx

I just went to pick my son up from a friends. And I burst into tears briefly in the car. I had a flashback to when I walked into the hospital the first night she went in after she had collapsed.  She had a sippy cup with tea in it. That image of the sippy cup broke me. Before I moved away we used to see each other all the time.  But I moved away as I wanted my children to grow up near the beach as the town we lived in was getting more and more dangerous.  How I regret that I moved away from her in her last year of life will always hurt me. Even though we never knew she was ill.  We didn’t know she had cancer until 3 days before she died. And neither did she. I take some comfort in that I guess.  She was only truly ill for about a month 

I wish we had never known in a way. i wish she had not had chemo or any of the treatments because although she lived another 2 and a half years after diagnosis, the quality of life was not good.  She had good and bad days but the bad days were really bad and more often than the goood.  I would say that she was pretty normal for 6 months and it was downhill from after her surgery...

Laura