Hi. 

I have been reading some of these online forums intently over the last 6 months and have found them both sad but also uplifting. My mum passed away in March of this year (2018) from a very nasty lung cancer. I was lucky (some would say unlucky) enough to be there when she went and keep my promise that I would stay with her right until the end. In a selfish way I was so glad that I was given that, but I also feel guilty because I’ve put myself first in what was a desperately sad situation for all of us, as a family. 

By the time we had found out what was causing such excruciating pain in her spine and ribs, it was too late. The tumour had spread from her lung and attached itself to the spinal column. I’ve never spoken about that day when I was told ‘were looking at managing symptoms now’...what that means is that there is no way back. Being in medical myself I knew full well what we were facing, perhaps I just didn’t want to admit it to myself or to my brother. 

I watched her deteriorate over the next 10-11 weeks into a shadow of her former self. And yet, she fought as hard as hard as she possibly could until almost only hour and were left. She was a very strong lady who had an awful upbringing in the industrial north of the 50s and 60s. She was your stereotypical working class Mum; hard-working, loved her boys, highly-principled and would never let me or my brother go without. And best of all, she never gave up. 

However, my experience of her passing was made somewhat more brutal by this very fact. She simply wouldn’t be told. To try and get her to understand that the cancer was causing her to lose her independence was ‘nonsense’. And she was losing it. There were days I would walk into her home and find her collapsed half on the floor, half on the commode, trying to salvage her dignity. That was tough watching her fighting the disease. I am scarred somewhat by the images of her final days, images which you will only ever see once for them but which will repeat on you for what I am presuming will be some years. 

I miss her dreadfully. I’m not a religious man by any means, however I do believe that she is there every day in some way, shape or form. I’ve read on these forums that people can just feel them there and Ive found that to be true; even in something as silly as making a brew and suddenly realising you’ve put the milk in before the hot water (big no no with northerners). 

I guess I just wanted to come on and share what I experienced and also give some insight as to what I’ve felt since she passed. There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, it just takes its natural course. I seemed to grieve very early on, and whilst I know that I will likely never get over it, I will learn to live with it. It’s okay to feel vulnerable some days, its okay to be okay. Don’t be feel guilty for the first smile, or the first happy thought after they’ve gone. They wouldn’t want you to be miserable your whole life, so just take your time. Go through the motions and feel the pain, feel the sadness, and then feel the happiness of the good times and remembering their laugh. It’s important. I still have a long way to go and I know that, but I also know that hiding away from it and pretending I have ‘moved on’ is perhaps the stupidest thing anyone can say in these situations. You move with them, and you move as fast or as slow as feels right. 

Im immensely proud of my mum for going through what she did and making it through to her passing. It’s a journey we all have to take eventually, and whilst it hurts us now they’re gone, I think its fair to say that once you’ve seen it for yourself, you are also happy for them knowing the suffering is over. 

As I said I have been reading up a lot and I’d like to hear back from others who have had a similar experience to myself. 

Remember; if we all have to walk that lonely path one day, that means we’re all together in that alone.