Hello Candy. I am sorry for the reason that you are here but am glad that you have been able to write and offload a bit. It is hard as I know only too well, I lost my husband to lung cancer in July 2016 after a 6 month battle with this horrible disease. I used to get really fed up of people telling me to stay strong and remain positive. Well I had to stay strong to look after my dear husband but it is hard totry and stay positive when dealing with a terminal diagnosis, the only thing that you can hope for is that his journey is not too bad.

I just want to send you my kind thoughts and please keep offloading as there is always somebody here.

Lynne.

Stay strong; what does it mean exactly? Different things to different people, I suggest. 

I have myeloma. Incurable but treatable. While some have extended survivability of 15 years or more, it commonly relapses and death might happen in weeks or months. I've been very ill a couple of times and recently it was touch and go as to whether I'd survive an emergency op for sepsis. Cancer-wise, I'm in complete remission at present.

To me, when I try to look at it from the point of view of family/carers there are two options. To completely fold and have a breadvan, or to endure. To endure is to do what's necessary care-wise and attempt to live a life. To get quality of life in whatever measure you can.

It's not maintaining a stiff upper lip or being stoical when around the one with the illness.

If you feel sad, cry and express your feelings of sadness, or emptiness, or guilt, or grief, or whatever. Crying together and talking about everybody's feelings of the moment tends to make these episodes less frequent and less damaging to the individual and can often soon turn to laughter, mickey-taking and making light of a situation. Asking everybody about there emotional wellbeing is as important as asking about their physical wellbeing.

I frequent a military themed website. While supportive, there's absolutely no sympathy given and the mickey-taking is ruthless and in the worst possible taste. Black humour, a trait of the armed forces. And it's great.

'Stay strong' is a message of support, said by people who don't really understand and don't really know what to say and don't know how to help. We're often our own worst enemies in that we're unlikely to ask for help that they may be able and willing to give. In any case, they generally mean well.

And that's what I have to say on the matter. My best regards to everybody.

Taff

Hi Lynn

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, knowing people understand has helped me so much.  My thoughts are with you and your family, if you need to off load please do message me.

Cxx

Hi LC

So sorry to hear about your Dad. Thinking of you all at this devastating time.  I am sure you are all in the 'shocked' stage now and the disease consumes every thought!.  Please do message me, it is reassuring to know that the numbness is 'normal', thank you for sharing that with me.

C x

Hi Taff

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate your advice.

You write so honestly and openly with regards to your health, you have so much to contend with and have had to adapt to, thank you for sharing that with me.

You are so right, people do not know what to say sometimes and telling me to stay strong is actual words of kindness.

I shall definately be reading your threads, they are very inspirational.  Thank you

Candy 220,

Thank you, most kind.

I might add that, speaking as the one with cancer, I've no choice other than to just get on with whatever occurs day to day eg. this morning I woke up to find that one of my colostomy bags had leaked, soiling the bed. Choices - meltdown or sort things out calmly. I sorted myself and my wonderful wife sorted the bed. No drama.

My concern is for my wife and 6 children, all adults. Moments of joy for me are seeing them get on with their lives, the smile of a grandchild . . .Life and quality of life ongoing. 

We cry sometimes, laugh a lot and they'll all take the mickey out of each other and me. Quality of life.

It's not about bucket lists and hang-gliding, scuba-diving, mountain-climbing and such but the quality of each moment.

I'm thinking about them. They're thinking about me and each other.

And I ent ded yet, so it's all good.

Best Regards

Taff

Hi Taff

Yet again your positive words are very inspiring, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you and your family are all so close and embracing life. As a family we are all doing the same, my Dad jokes a lot too - this helps us immensely. Your mechanism of getting through the tough times indicates how your mind-set is to show this diesese how you do everything within your power to not let it ruin all the precious time with your lovely family!

Have a lovely day, thinking of you all.  Take care.

C

hi Candy

Like you I'm new on here too.  I'm also feeling a little bit same as yourself, my dad is ill with oes. cancer.  Was told he had 18/24 months last April, he had chemo, he can't have tumour removed as he also has heart conditions which make it impossible, otherwise he may have had a chance to beat it.  We're now into month 16 and it has been so hard watching him gradually decline.  My mind goes back to Christmas, when he was eating, now he is only eating soft food, but not lots and drinking sips of Fortisips.  He is in alot of pain.  I feel anxious and nauseous.  I work full time and am trying to be brave and carry on as normal and I thought I was doing okay but last few days I seem to have crashed and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.  First it came in waves.  Sometimes I can't get it out of my mind.  It is sheer hell watching someone you love just fade away.  My friends seem to have backed off they don't know what to say, Dad is the last member of my family alive.  My hubby is supportive but even he doesn't know how I feel as I try to be brave for him too.  My dad has 2 sisters and a brother, they are nowhere to be seen.  I lost my mum 19 yr ago to cancer also so this is especially hard as Dad and I went through losing her together, now I am going to lose him to the same disease.  

It does help that other people are going through it on here.  I am hoping that someone responds as I do feel alone at the moment.  

kind wishes and lots of hugs

love fer1 xx