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I'm so sad

thereselynn
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I don't know how to feel or what to say to my husband. I don't want to go into details but he said he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I did take his meds that night to be safe and called his social worker the morning after. He's intensely into an online game and I feel so alone. I think I'm grieving cuz he was short with me today and I feel I'm alone. I dunno if I'm suppose to support him to maintain weight and health or back off. I'm upset too cuz I'm having to cover a coworkers' hrs caregiving and I got an extra categiver day for him while I'm gone so much this much. Because of my past treatment by a husband and bfs I am insecure and/or suspicious. So when he starts to pull away I get weird. This pisses him off. But he's so opposite I feel he doesn't really care.. I'm floundering. I've been so sad today. Crying. Having a white russian. My thoughts aren't healthy. I'm so confused. I feel alone. I don't know if his mindset is still the same or ok stable. I'm upet my work is preventing me to take him for his dr appt fri but he won't let me drop him off early. I feel I've let him down. Same with the PET scan appt. Maybe it's I'm too sensitive or he's not sensitive. Am i being selfish? I am alive and have feelings. I'm not sure how to feel. I've been there for all his appts, driven him, stood by him. Help me.

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    Hello thereselynn, welcome to Cancer Chat. 

    It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time with your husband so I wanted to reply to point you to some things that might help.

    As we're a UK-based community, the difference in our time zone to yours might mean that people are missing your posts. You are, of course, very welcome to continue posting here, but I'm also linking you to the American Cancer Society's forum, in case it's of interest. They have some good information and resources on Being a caregiver, which may be helpful, too. And, if you need to talk, you can call their helpline on 800.227.2345.

    Hopefully, someone will be along soon to chat, and that those links are helpful in the meantime. 

    Best wishes,

    Helen
    Cancer Chat moderator

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    Hello thereselynn and welcome to this forum.  You poor soul; you are having a rough time.  Playing online games may well be your husband's way of stopping himself thinking too much about his illness but I can understand - I too play online games - that it can seem as you are being shut out if you are unable to speak to him when he is playing.  I understand from having posted here and read the website that cancer patients are really diverting their anger with cancer onto their nearest and dearest.  I don't think anyone can say you are being selfish; you are doing your  best to care for your husband; this is never easy and even more difficult when you are having to juggle with your work.  I hope you have family and friends with whom you can talk.

    You don't say what the prognosis is for your husband; is his cancer treatable?  Do you manage to talk when he is not playing his online games? 

    I don't need to tell you how difficult life can be; especially when you are a bit insecure about relationships.  Please do come and post here whenever you would like to chat and you will find a friendly ear.    Best wishes.  Annie

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